Women Cum First!

[Ihadthistoo]

Not a dig at men but I’ve been enlightened recently by some posts about a woman’s lack of orgasm during sex. Something I could relate to as well.
Should the rule be, ‘Women cum first?’

I don't agree with the rule that women should come first. I do agree that both people should orgasm at some point during that moment of intimacy, if that's what they desire. For me it shouldn't be a selfish activity, but a giving one.

There’s a big orgasm gap between heterosexual couples. A number of woman don’t orgasm. Unless the male partner was willing to bring her to orgasm after sex, then it wouldn’t be an issue but there’s a good number of men who aren’t clued up on the female orgasm.

It’s not selfish though, it’s having an orgasm but also making sure you partner doesn’t go without, which in many cases, it’s the female who loses out.

It's how DW and I do things. The truth is, however, that it's been at my instigation and DW has never insisted on it. It's something I love to do and it's a big turn on for me.

On the other hand, it means quickies don't happen and there are times when I've found my enthusiasm waining.

One of the many reasons dh is the best sexual partner I've ever had, is that he always insists on him having 'silver medal sex'
In other words he comes second!!

Not necessarily. I've always tended to have my orgasm just after the guy ejaculates (if he's inside me) - that just does it for me. It would be different if I had issues with cumming though - then I think a considerate lover should be doing all he can to help his partner cum, before him or after him.

I'd want any partner to orgasm when we're together, and I make sure I spend time and effort on them, before, during and after PIV - it just seems a natural thing to do.

But then again, I'm a "more mature" man, so don't have the same drive as someone in there 20's, 30's or 40's...

I'm female .Find it hard to carry on if I've just orgasmed .Surely not that unusual?

@peridito - possibly. Maybe I've just been very lucky, but my latest partners have been / are multi-orgasmic, and definitely able to carry on.

I agree, sex should be about mutual pleasure, I have had quite a lot of not so good sex, mostly because the guys I have been with have either paid very little attention to the most orgasmic area for a woman, given very little foreplay and been more focused on their own orgasm. I know a lot of men aren’t like this but that gap needs to be closed, making both orgasms equal.

Not sure you can use that as hard and fast rule really as people/ couples are different, my ExW was more like @peridito, if she came first that was it really, she couldn’t really carry on (more like a man really I suppose)

Whereas my previous partner was multiple, she could cum via oral / fingers, then we could move to PIV and she could cum again ( and again, lucky duck )

But generally yes, both parties need to have a good experience

Whilst the woman coming first generally works v well for both partners it's nice to switch things up from time to time.

There is something particularly satisfying mentally as a man about getting your female partner to orgasm despite feeling satisfied yourself already. It can feel that we're conditioned to think it's all over when the guy comes, yet there's no reason not to carry on the fun for her.

Before, simultaneous or after, I don't think it matters too much as long as she gets an orgasm (or 2).

@JustAnotherOldMan - There are those that are an exception to the rule.

@Exiledmancguy - I would like to believe this to be true, that men genuinely want to satisfy their partners. However, I’ve read two threads recently both stating this not to be the case with other women saying the same. I have also never come across a guy who hasn’t made me cum after he’d cum, who has ensured I’ve orgasmed too.

Well, it's just being nice, isn't it? On one level it's no different to giving your partner a backscratch or a footrub or some flowers. I'd have thought doing nice things just because would be part of most good relationships regardless or whether or not they're sexual.

But I think it is different on another level because some people really just aren't into sex all that much and often they can't be 'fixed'. I don't like cheese. I just don't. If someone insisted that I try Gorgonzola I'd probably puke. I read a couple of threads on the topic too and thought a lot of the responses were horrible: he's lazy, he's got a madonna-whore complex, he's selfish but the image I got was a laid-back, safe person whose partner wanted him to be something else that he simply wasn't. And I guess that how it'll play out is that she'll leave him and five years later be missing the safe option.

I do think that if you're more into sex than your partner, it's your job to show them a good time and get them enthused, this takes time and lots of the right sort of talk, and no, it isn't easy.

@Catullus5 - Whilst I agree, some of the comments were a bit unpleasant, I do think he is selfish, the poster made it clear she wasn’t being satisfied and it seemed her partner made no attempt to rectify the situation, you don’t have to be a sex god and you can still be laid-back but sex should be equal for both partners. Also it seemed the OP was showing him a good time and he was having his orgasm but she wasn’t, quite hard to find enthusiasm when you’re the one that is always missing out.

I think there are a lot of people of both sexes who just don't have much appetite for sex. There might be all manner of reasons for this but one of them is that they just aren't made that way, they don't have the physical reaction or the feeling that makes sex so great. Just like plenty of people just aren't into food that much.

I think there is still a societal expectation that men are sex beasts naturally and, if they aren't, there must be some pathological explanation, e.g. deathgrip, porn use, stress, depression, ill health and so forth. But I say that sometimes it's that they just don't have the urge.

I've been though periods where I had little or no sex drive and there were times when sex felt like a faff or even a bit icky. I was still able to get erections and have orgasms even though I wasn't particularly turned on. In those times it was my memory of what good sex was like that kept me going. I'm not sure how I'd manage that with no memories to fall back on.

I would hesitate to call a person selfish if they have simply never felt that I feel and therefore cannot really understand how important it is to me.

@Catullus5 - and if that’s the case then you be honest with your partner. I’m talking about people who have a sex drive, will openly have and enjoy an orgasm themselves but will deny the needs of their partner. It’s really not hard to understand.
No one is expecting men to be sex beasts, it’s about mutual pleasure, a completely different thing.

@Catullus5, I read one of those threads and the guy got slaughtered (rightly or wrongly), but reading the updates on one of them, I got the impression that even if he could get her to orgasm their sexual tastes would have still been worlds apart, maybe he just didn’t like cheese either?

@Ihadthistoo yes everyone should get equal pleasure

We need to focus on closing the orgasm gap.

Women cumming first would be one way.

Along with better education of the female orgasm.

And not being afraid to express our preferences and needs, even if that includes highlighting that (for at least some of us) size does matter. After all I think most women would find less than 5" just too small!

@ScottishZoe

We need to focus on closing the orgasm gap.

Women cumming first would be one way.

Along with better education of the female orgasm.

And not being afraid to express our preferences and needs, even if that includes highlighting that (for at least some of us) size does matter. After all I think most women would find less than 5" just too small!

👏🏻

Ihadthistoo,

I certainly think someone who enjoys sex without giving a shit about their partner's pleasure is lazy and selfish, and that the laziness and selfishness will be apparent in other things they do or don't do.

I'm not defending such people. I'm defending people who are wrongly labelled that way and I think there is clearly a general denial that a man might just have a low sex drive.

My view is that people should have as much pleasure as they want and that means, as in all things, it's works best if the person who is more into it takes the initiative and doesn't expect their partner just to 'know'. Basically what ScottishZoe said.

@Catullus5 - I think you’re derailing a bit here, I’m not talking about men with low sex drives, that’s something that exists in both sexes and is an entirely different topic. This is about mutual pleasure and fairness within a sexual relationship, to ensure both partners have a fulfilling sex life. Also in agreement, these things need to be communicated.

Fair enough - I think I've made my point.

Sex education in schools has a lot to answer for here.

Because sex ed is taught 'morally', as a 'baby-producing mechanism between two married people', it deliberately avoids any notion that sex throughout a person's life as a whole wil 99 times out of 100 be for ENJOYMENT and not procreation, nor necessarily with a spouse or long-term partner.

Therefore the education focuses on male ejaculation to lead to baby production.

Is it any surprise that most young men are clueless about female orgasm or that they even enjoy sex at all?

@ordinaryman - That assumes all men rely on sex education at school as their basis throughout their entire sex life, when that’s not really what they base sex on, it’s mostly porn and learning through their partners. Also I have a teenage son and during their last sex education lesson, ‘pleasure’ (foreplay) was covered during his lesson.

I like the phrase 'silver medal sex'!