HowToRestart

[HowToRestart]

Name changed for this. I have been a regular poster for years but only just found the sex thread.

Older MNers advice required. We are both in our seventies and haven't had sex for at least ten years. I would still like to, I am not sure about DH, but I think he would with a little encouragement, but last time he had some issues with erections.

So how do I (we) restart? I found the thread about the 70 year old discovering oral sex. I used to like receiving oral sex and think I probably still would. But we need to get back to the starting point. Despite being married for years, neither of us are good talking about sex - hangups from religious upbringings I think where sex was not nice and not talked about.

So advice please.

Hi, I’m 51, not sure if that’s older or not and my advice might not be of any use.
I think your starting point is going to be a full and frank discussion with your husband about your aims and expectations, and if he is onboard with that.
If your husband had ED a decade ago, he will certainly still have it now, even with pills may not be able to get an erection good enough for intercourse ( if that’s one of your aims), he also may be embarrassed about having ED., so maybe toys, fingers, oral will be an option.

Good luck with everything

I really do not think that it is either possible, or sensible, to jump straight in at the deep end and expect penetrative sex to happen. Your husband's ED is almost certainly still going to be there.

Sex does not have to be about PIV,; it can be all sorts of physically (and emotionally) pleasurable things with your partner, but you already know that as you talk about your wanting oral.

I would advise some oral first, and by that I mean talking about sex. You must be honest and totally frank with each other. Now that you are in your 70s, you can ditch the strict religious upbringing and start to live your lives as you wish. I would guess that in many ways your husband would feel boosted by the fact that you want to have sex with him, so start by telling him that.

Sex in many ways can be a 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours' arrangement, so I'd ask how you feel about giving oral as well as receiving it? Giving oral to a man does not rely on an erection on his part, so mutual oral might be a good way to rekindle your sex lives.

Best wishes.

Go tantric. Start with massages!

Like @xpc316e says, I do think a conversation is needed first. Talk to DH and say that you’ve missed the closeness/intimacy. How are you both in your day to day lives? I came across a phrase recently- sexual currency and it’s all about the small things we do with each other to show that we desire them & are interested in them sexually. It’s things like kissing, touching, being naked in bed together etc. I think a gradual build up like that might be useful after the gap you’ve had. I also agree with @xpc316e that taking PIV off the agenda for now might take the pressure of you both. Why not see what else you enjoy and go from there. You only have to please each other so don’t even think about all the sexual hang ups that we grew up with - they are no help to any of us. On another note, it might be worth buying some lube too. This is very commonly used now by all ages so you can buy it in all supermarkets/ chemists but you can also get it delivered via Amazon. Brands to look out for are YES, Durex etc.
Good luck @HowToRestart and enjoy yourselves. Let us know how you get on.