Mis matched sex drive or intimacy issue?

[RosesandPumpkins]

Just looking for some company or input really. I have a high sex drive and my DP less so. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a week on a good week. And 1-2 on a tired/busy week. We both acknowledge that going longer than a few days isn’t ideal for us.

But here’s the thing; It’s not so much about wanting more frequency of sex as me craving that intimacy that comes from sex. I feel sad after we’ve had sex because it’s over. And I feel I may be slightly addicted to that before and during feeling. The oxytocin I guess.

So I’m not sure if I want more sex or I just have issues with intimacy! And really I need to find other ways with DP to build on that intimacy. Or work on myself to stop the dependency on sex as intimacy.

Can anyone relate?

Is the build up feelings you crave, the excitement?
What happens if you have no sex for a week and just cuddle in bed,

@RosesandPumpkins - I am very much like you in that I associate intimacy with sex. It has caused issues within my marriage too, as I’m generally not a kiss/cuddle type person but will happily do it during sex, it’s obviously psychological but I can’t pinpoint why I’m like that.

I don’t think it’s the excitement I think it’s the love. The closeness, the being desired that I crave. My DP isn’t a kiss and cuddle type of person and rarely if ever seeks me out for physical affection. It’s always me seeking him out. He doesn’t refuse but I guess I like the ‘wantedness’ of presex and during sex that I don’t get in other settings.

If we didn’t have Alex and only cuddled I’d worry he’d gone off me. I probably associate sex with desire and love far too much.

Personally I can sleep in the same bed as my partner and go to sleep cuddling just her and neither of us would worry about it,

@RosesandPumpkins

I don’t think it’s the excitement I think it’s the love. The closeness, the being desired that I crave. My DP isn’t a kiss and cuddle type of person and rarely if ever seeks me out for physical affection. It’s always me seeking him out. He doesn’t refuse but I guess I like the ‘wantedness’ of presex and during sex that I don’t get in other settings.

If we didn’t have Alex and only cuddled I’d worry he’d gone off me. I probably associate sex with desire and love far too much.

I am exactly the same as you, and my partner is the same as your partner.

I feel like I'm always pestering my partner for a kiss, a cuddle. I'm always touching him or telling him I love him, or that he's gorgeous. He doesn't do the me for me. Which probably makes me feel more insecure and tell him these things even more! I wish it wasn't this way but I just need to feel loved and need to feel wanted. I'll always ask him for a cuddle or some attention. He just doesn't see things the same way as me. But then again, he doesn't need to ask me for a cuddle or kiss because he's always receiving them! I have found that when I purposely distance myself a bit, and stop approaching him, he will try to touch my leg while in the car, or stroke my arm while watching telly etc.

Never really been like this with other people before but still I love him so so much, and I know he loves me too. I'm pregnant at the moment and struggling with the lack of sex as it makes me feel distant from him. He says it will get back to normal when our baby arrives... here's hoping

Should have said, doesn't do the same for me*

@NoHeavenNoMore

Nice to know I’m not alone. I try to ease back every now and then but I don’t find he really approaches me for affection. But we have had conversations where he asks me to not become like him. So I think he acknowledges that I bring the affection and that if I didn’t then we wouldn’t! I wouldn’t want to be smothered either, that’s my idea of hell. Someone who sought affection as much as I do would drive me mad

we can't win can we!? To be honest, I'm pretty sure I'd love to be smothered (within reason). I love the feeling of being loved. Saying that though after a couple of days I'd be like right that's it, I need some space now!

It's weird cos I'm absolutely fine on my own, but as soon as he's here I just want to be with him all the time (sounds so lame....)

Anyway, what are you planning on doing? do you want to change anything? I think I need to change something for my own sanity

@RosesandPumpkins how are you doing?

OP. He says Don’t be like me. You wouldn’t want him to be like you

It could be that your relationship is quite well balanced with some pretty normal tensions that we all experience

My view (and that of many other people) is that we are attracted to people who are different from ourselves. We like people who are similar to us but they don’t provide the spark of attraction

It’s quite nice reflecting on this actually.

Yes doing ok. We’ve talked a lot more since I posted and I’ve observed some things about me too.

I definitely agree with AnotherOldGeezer and what you say about being balanced. And I think me and my partner are two halves of the same coin.

I have made a real effort to seek out the ways he loves me and shows affection. For example, he just took a sneaky photo of me on the train which shows me that he likes me because he wants a photo of me. No he hasn’t said ‘you look beautiful today’ or ‘I’m happy to be here today’ but his actions are proof of how he feels about me.

I say the above things and he doesn’t say them but he does things that are an out working of those feelings. The more I look for those things the more I see them. I am verbal but he is a doer.

I have also noticed that I reflect how I feel about myself on to him. So if I feel shit about myself then I will project that he doesn’t like me. Which is utter bullshit. So I’ve really been trying to believe that his feelings for me are constant (as are mine for him). He isn’t continuously weighing up how much he likes me or whether I am pretty enough today or good enough today or thin enough to be acceptable or deserving of love today.

This is really helping.

Great to hear that things are going well. Have you ever read about The Five Love Languages @RosesandPumpkins? Love Languages

Yea I have. My DP is very hard to read though and he doesn’t buy into the 5LLs!