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Reluctance to DTD on holidays or mini breaks

23 replies

Yeahreally · 11/07/2021 06:13

For context, we have 2 DCs under 10 and have been married for just over 10 years. When we first went on a fortnights holiday with 1st Dc a few years back it got towards the end of the holiday and we still hadn't DTD whilst away. I got frustrated, we had a big chat and DW said that she could not relax enough to get in the mood. It's been a thing on most holidays since then.
Previously I'd put this down to the exhaustion factor of young kids on hols but on a rare weekend away (kids at home) in a nice hotel, we've hit the same thing.
Has anyone else come across this or felt this? I'm struggling with it because a weekend like this is meant to be about getting closer - we've had a great time --some laughs, nice food, some deeper conversations but then ....this. Part of this is a bruised ego ( rejection feels a bit more raw in this circumstance compared to say to day life) but I'm also a bit worried in a general sense.

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peridito · 11/07/2021 09:19

I think some people just find it harder to relax and get in the groove .The only suggestion I can offer is some build up during the day/evening while you are out and about ,having dinner etc .Using moves you know she likes .Subtle ,hand on top of thigh sliding round to inner thigh and lingering ? A little brushing of the hair behind her ear .I'm sure more advice will be available from other more practised posters .

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 11/07/2021 09:58

It’s not clear if this is only not happening during weekends away, or whether your sex life is like this in general. If you still have an active sex life at home but it’s only really an issue on weekends away, I would try not to push it too much. As a female, I would love a child-free weekend away and that would include spending quality time together and lots of sex.

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Yeahreally · 11/07/2021 17:10

Thanks both for responding.
@peridito - I kinda did this (or thought i was doing it). We'd been holding hands during the weekend (something we rarely do when there' are kids to tend to) and I gave her a massage before we went out for dinner. You're right though, it does take her longer to get in the groove.

@Strawberriesandcream3 - When we do it, it's good (sometimes really good) in terms of pleasure and feeling close and part of me knows that's a good sign/could be worse. But while I expected that side of things to level off a bit after we had kids, I get frustrated it's only once (maybe twice) a month, it's always me that initiates, it's never spontaneous and we don't really change things that much.We talk about these things if I bring them up (we have done this morning) but nothing ever really changes or moves on. I'd love to know what makes her tick - what her fantisies are - but she just says she doesn't have any.
So as I think things through, I don't think it's the no-sex-on-a-romantic-getaway that's bothering me in isolation.
It's not all negative: we have a great relationship otherwise (we're a good team with the kids, there's trust, shared interests, we can/do talk about anything, we make each laugh, we're both affectionate people) plus when we dtd, we get each other off and we feel closer.
But for the last 7 years or so it feels like (at best we've been treading water) when we could have so much more.

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Yeahreally · 11/07/2021 17:37

By the way when I talk about treading water I just mean in the bedroom, not our relationship generally

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 11/07/2021 17:55

@Yeahreally - It’s great you’re able to talk about things together, as communication is key. I think the dynamics of a relationship often change after years of being together and having kids but they don’t have to change, it’s a case of keeping the spark alive and making sure you still have a fairly satisfactory sex life, you both need to want this though, it can’t be all on way. Once or twice a month isn’t a lot to be honest but this obviously suits your wife. As you would like it more frequently, I’d suggest sending the odd flirty and suggestive text, when you kiss, hold it for a little longer, it just adds that moment of passion, introduce sex toys (if she’s open to this!) and just generally make her feel good and sexy. If she doesn’t seem receptive to this, it may just be a case of settling with how things are. There will always be differences within a relationship with regards to sex, where one has a higher sex drive than the other, it may just be a case of accepting this, as all of the other aspects of your relationship are happy.

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JustAnotherOldMan · 11/07/2021 18:02

@Yeahreally
Don’t let the sex part of your relationship slip, I did this and ended up getting divorced, we (ex & I), went from a good sex life to weekly, every other week, monthly to nothing for 2 years, my Ex simply wouldn’t talk about it or even acknowledge it an issue (which was the real problem), the rejection was just soul destroying for me and we split.

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Yeahreally · 11/07/2021 18:22

@JustAnotherOldMan - I've had that "not talking about it" with an ex (not married but lived together) and it was the refusal to talk that caused the biggest resentment. So I know I'm already in a better place/relationship than I was then but I fo wonder if that's left me a bit more sensitive (overly) to see tailing off as my experience is that it's very hard to reverse. In addition, my parents divorced and although I don't know all the details (or want to!) my take is that the physical side withered and perhaps contributed to my dad having an affair (not excusing him though!)

@Strawberriesandcream3 - thanks again for the suggestions. At this moment I'm just tired (was awake most of last night mulling all this over) but I need to change tack a little and those are good suggestions

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 11/07/2021 19:12

@Yeahreally - The biggest mistake I think you can make is to allow it to slip to the point of no return, where sex becomes fortnightly, then weeks, months and years.
In my opinion, (I have worked with a lot of guys before!) there is often a lack of sex within a relationship/marriage and most often the men end up having flings, affairs on the side, I think men are good at separating sex and love, I don’t think it’s right but this is how a lot of sexless relationships and marriages end up. It could just mean you have to be a little more serious when you address this with your wife, so that she is taking your feelings on board. As @JustAnotherOldMan says, don’t let it fester.

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 11/07/2021 20:58

Sorry I should say a little more assertive, not serious.

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Yeahreally · 12/07/2021 11:55

Now I've had some time to think on this (and a bit more sleep) I think we actually need a bit of outside help like counselling. As a couple we've been here before (ie talking about it, things improving a little then slipping back) but this time it's really blown up and scrambled my head. Some of it might be overreaction on my part but if it is, counselling can pick that up as well.

The annoying bit is that my reaction is completely counterproductive. What I mean is, even if we do get it on, it's gonna feel massively awkward for both of us given the light I've just shone on it...

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peridito · 12/07/2021 12:23

You sound very thoughtful and proactive OP ,your wife is lucky to have you in your corner .

I wish I could offer useful advice .All I can think is that your now in a bit of a vicious circle .

Maybe you both need a good holiday ,spacious holiday home where the children are safely asleep in a distant bedroom .I think it's possible that your wife needs to get out of the mother role and that a mini break simply isn't long enough .Indeed she probably thinks "oh ,weekend away ,sex is going to be an expectation .And I can't meet it "

For me holding hands and a massage ,while lovely would be more comforting than arousing .I'd need subtle physical hints .

And thinking about it ,maybe your wife having time away alone ,or just some outings as an independent person on some evenings ,weekend days ,would help her recover her sense of self and desire to be intimate .I think it's so easy to loose that in being a mother . But of course that's just my take .

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 12/07/2021 15:10

@Yeahreally - That is a good idea, counselling will help your wife understand why you feel the way you do but you do both need to want to have a more fulfilling sex life though. Does your wife want sex to happen more often? There are also many helpful articles online which might help you understand your situation more and what may help move things forwards.

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Yeahreally · 12/07/2021 16:47

@peridito - as I think about this, the kind of physical or touching hints you're referring to fell away a couple of years ago. A while back, my wife said she wants to know in advance if I'm thinking about busting a move and I've therefore just got into the habit of just asking if she's up for it a few hours in advance. Who said the art of seduction is deadShock ? At that point in time it just seemed easier to avoid crossed wires and misplaced hopes. But maybe the earlier suggestion of flirty texts could Straddle both worlds of clear communication and seduction?

But this brings me back to one of my gripes that resurfaced which is why is it always me who is putting in all the thought etc? I'd love nothing better than for her to buy some lingerie she feels sexy in and surprise me (she's not owned any special knickers for years).
Or for her to whip out some toys she's bought. Anything, really. I've bought the odd toy or game (tamer end of the spectrum) over the years but it takes me to suggest using them (last one is still in its packaging).
The answer may be staring me in the face - I want it more and therefore it's my role to do it. But right now I feel a bit exhausted and resentful in which case we then drop down another rung on the ladder....

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Yeahreally · 12/07/2021 16:50

@Strawberriesandcream3 - "you do both need to want to". Spot on - I think that's really at the nub of it.

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Yeahreally · 12/07/2021 16:55

@peridito - just to answer your other point, this last year she has started to get more time to do her own thing (book clubs, meeting friends for drinks, volunteering etc), pre-lockdown she'd have one maybe two weekends a year visiting friends. But even so, I get your point about having an identity beyond being mum.

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IsItJustMeOrYou · 12/07/2021 17:53

Unfortunately resentment drops you down much more than one rung, and it is difficult to recover from.

The only solution is communication, either together or with a third party. If you find you are not compatible then you each have decisions to make.

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 12/07/2021 20:31

@Yeahreally - I think your post probably resonates with a lot of men in general. It seems a pattern that after marriage and kids, sex seems to dwindle. I really don’t think there is a magic cure and often men find different ways in which they cope with this, it is a shame that the sex part of relationships tails off after several years. I often wonder whether it’s just a case of accepting the changes, or whether it’s just a sign that you have outgrown the marriage and both now want different things from it and no longer see sex an important part of it.

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JustAnotherOldMan · 13/07/2021 10:42

@Strawberriesandcream3
I think that’s an interesting point, and not just for men, on this forum there seem to plenty of females for whom sex had dried up for them in a relationship leaving then ‘high and dry’ so to speak.
What I find really interesting is when people say things like “was in a sexless marriage for X years, and now with someone else and at it like teenagers again”, so the desire for sex is still there, but just not with a previous spouse, and I that speaks more about the relationship then the sex life.

When I read stuff on here from people saying “I’ve been with my husband/ wife / partner for 20 years and we still have regular sex”, makes me think how lucky those people are and did I really really do enough to save my own marriage when it became sexless..

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 13/07/2021 15:07

@JustAnotherOldMan - It is a difficult one, I guess when you’ve exhausted all avenues, it’s a case of accepting the situation, or parting ways.

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brittleheadgirl · 13/07/2021 17:17

@JustAnotherOldMan
You're spot on there, I thought I was literally dead below the waist during my first marriage and this was in my late 20s/early 30s!! I had literally zero desire to have sex with my ex dh and really thought it was my fault, particularly post having dc, breastfeeding etc
And then we separated and I met someone else and bingo, it turns out I'm very much into sex still and not just in the honeymoon phase either, dh & I have been together over 10 years now and are still going strong in that department!!

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JustAnotherOldMan · 13/07/2021 17:56

@brittleheadgirl
Sounds great 😊

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Catullus5 · 13/07/2021 19:48

[quote JustAnotherOldMan]@Strawberriesandcream3
I think that’s an interesting point, and not just for men, on this forum there seem to plenty of females for whom sex had dried up for them in a relationship leaving then ‘high and dry’ so to speak.
What I find really interesting is when people say things like “was in a sexless marriage for X years, and now with someone else and at it like teenagers again”, so the desire for sex is still there, but just not with a previous spouse, and I that speaks more about the relationship then the sex life.

When I read stuff on here from people saying “I’ve been with my husband/ wife / partner for 20 years and we still have regular sex”, makes me think how lucky those people are and did I really really do enough to save my own marriage when it became sexless..[/quote]
About your last sentence. You're best of accepting that there was nothing you could do. It's just not possible for one person to revive things if the other person just isn't interested and can't be made to be interested.

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Strawberriesandcream3 · 22/07/2021 10:17

@Yeahreally - Did you manage to speak to your wife about this? Or make any changes that may have helped with your situation?

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