Is Monogamy Unsustainable

[Strawberriesandcream3]

I have been thinking about this for some time and wondered what others views were on this topic. Is monogamy becoming less common for modern day relationships/marriages? With the option of open relationships and the generally higher incidence of unfaithful partners, is polyamory a more sustainable solution to relationships/marriages?
I’ve often thought about sex out of my marriage but have never acted upon it because we both entered into a monogamy relationship.

@Catullus5 I agree about the connection between sex snd love but I think it's possible to love more than one person.

Jealousy is the killer. If you can get over that I think ethical non-monogamy is a valid relationship model.

The book Sex at Dawn is a good read.

@crapbuttrue

Does it even need to be as strong as love? I think sex at a fundamental level should be an expression of kindness towards another person and we should be kind to other people as well as our spouses.

It's just that sex involves complications, which in my view is why monogamy remains a sustainable model (and there are all sorts of other, less complicated ways to offer kindness to people). So my purpose is not to attack polyamory, only to defend monogamy. Reading how polyamorous partners deal with the issues just reminds me that it's not something I would be capable of myself.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I think it's about self-control, loyalty, honesty, love and respect.

In the past, people managed to commit to someone else and go without sex with anyone else, or abstain. I think people today are more hedonistic. They have different values.

People want a loyal, monogamous partner despite being promiscuous themselves.

You seem to be suggesting that in some mysterious past, people were faithful. Hate to break it to you but infidelity is as old as humanity

I think that infidelity is probably more common than it used to be, because relationships last such a long time, opportunities have increased and social penalties have changed. If you look at Victorian graves, you sometimes see men who've gone through three wives because they died in childbirth etc.

I've tried a bit of ethical non-monogamy and found it quite difficult, not because I was jealous exactly but because I found the ethical side hard - having one partner I was more emotionally tied to than the other. I ended up ranking them in terms of priority to me. I guess the point would be to move past that but I'm not sure it's that simple.

However, the idea of group sex, at least 2 couples in the same room, is a great one as far as I'm concerned. I've been in one threesome, which if you're a single woman are incredibly easy to get, and I would definitely do it again. My current partner might take some time to get into that though and of course I might find it more difficult than I think in reality.

By group sex, do you mean two couples having sex with each other and then mixing. I've done that and it is great fun. My first experience in that was when I was in my early 20s, no partner at the time and met two women who were friends and already had one man and I was the other. A great time.

I've since done this with my wife.

What's also great is watching my wife with an other man or woman having sex but not joining in.(sometimes anyway)

Talk to your current partner about you wanting a threesome, but only go ahead with it when you're both comfortable with it, and don't push him into it.

I'm not going to mention it yet, at all. I've made glancing references to a fantasy about an adult club - which Im not particularly keen to make a reality, actually - and he was slightly taken aback. I'm just going to see how we go, and enjoy the patch where you can't get enough of each other.

I have to say I didn't enjoy my experience in an adult club, even though I thought I really would.

I thought it would be a way of meeting like minded people but I just felt uneasy there.

If you're not keen I'd give it a miss, I don't regret it but I'm not keen to repeat it.

Oh that's interesting. I can just imagine from my own experience on hookup sites that someone I don't fancy at all will latch on really quickly and I will have trouble stepping away! I've looked at the Vanilla Alternative, don't think I'm hot enough for Killing Kittens and I just think I'm not likely to feel great if I ever actually did it.

Fortunately, my wife and I have never had a problem with someone who we didn't like not wanting to leave the arrangement.

We have used sites that didn't involve physical clubs and regular dating sites but we have built up a small group of singles and couples we meet up with. Some are partner swaps and some are threesomes and the very occasional foursome.

Never think you're not 'hot' enough for somewhere/someone in whichever way you mean that, whether you mean you don't think you've got a big enough sexual appetite or your looks. My wife's sexual needs are bigger than mine and one of the couples we meet match us insofar as the man's sexual needs are greater than his wife's as we leave them to it the nights we spend together.

If your partner is still unsure, maybe choose a friend of yours who may be up for it and just have a gentle evening/night together, maybe just being naked together without the sex and build up to it. It worked for me and a FwB's I have that we spent nights in bed but no actual sex, apart from a little oral or mutual masturbation, for quite a few months.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I think it's about self-control, loyalty, honesty, love and respect.

In the past, people managed to commit to someone else and go without sex with anyone else, or abstain. I think people today are more hedonistic. They have different values.

People want a loyal, monogamous partner despite being promiscuous themselves.

Yes, absolutely.

Although I believe it is some, not all. The media doesn’t help by portraying skewed norms.