DH unable to maintain an erection

[Sadgirl23]

I am so so embarrassed at mine and DH's non existent sex life and desperately need some advice as I am so frustrated and sad. I have posted about this before, however me and DH have now managed to talk and so there have been a few developments since my last post.

DH and I have sex 2-3 times per year and if that wasn't bad enough, he cannot maintain an erection a lot of the time. The only way he can maintain an erection is if I am in the bent over position or on all fours and even then this takes a lot of time and concentration on his part. This really is not doing it for me.

After a frank discussion, DH admitted sex is such a chore for him as all he thinks about is staying hard. Sex is very mechanical and passionless as he is concentrating so hard on this. Nine times out of ten he goes soft or is just unable to finish so sorts himself out afterwards which really annoys me. However I do not want to make an issue in case it makes things worse.

DH has no issue at all whilst masturbating and I know he does this. The GP did not think there was a medical reason for this either.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and fixed this? I have no idea what to do?

Sorry for the long post and thank you for getting this far xx

Hi, how long has it been like this between you both?

The fact that he can gain and maintain an erection for masturbation suggests it is psychological rather than physical and it is good that the GP has ruled out a physical cause. It could be that he struggled a few times initially during sex and then it became a ‘thing’ for him, a bit like when you can’t get to sleep and the more you try, the more difficult it is. Now he feels immense performance anxiety and it renders the whole experience miserable for the both of you.

Does he enjoy other aspects of sex? Is there the option of taking the pressure off the big ‘penetration finale’ by focusing more on getting your needs met in other ways (oral, toys, fingers, whatever floats your personal boat)? Then if he doesn’t want to go through the ‘chore’ of penetration, he doesn’t have to and you’ve still had the closeness and an orgasm or two.

Would he consider sex therapy?

For background, it's probably been like this for the last four years, but it wasn't always like this. I cannot remember anything specific that might have triggered this. He did go through a phase of being stressed at work but this has long since resolved.

I did ask him about performance anxiety but he brushed it off. We have made an appointment with a local sex therapist but he has a backlog due to lockdown and so there is a bit of a wait and I am struggling with the thought of waiting another few months to try and work on this

I will suggest maybe just foreplay and see if that makes a difference.

I'm finding it really tough to deal with that he stays up late and sees to himself most evenings yet we have no love life. I'm trying really hard not to police his wanking but I am feeling really quite low about it all xx

I remember your previous thread and I remember thinking that the reason was obvious enough: your DH had got used to using porn instead. You also thought he might have been unfaithful.

A short term solution is that he agrees to stop sorting himself out - completely- and that you do this for him. That will take the pressure off him and make him associate sex with you rather than with his computer and hand.

I can understand why you'd be worried about 'policing' his wanking as it's none of your business. But in this case it is absolutely your business because it's ruining your sex life.

I do think you need to make an issue of this, and you need to get a straight answer out of him about whether he's been unfaithful. Because if he has, that's the issue right there and you have bigger problems.

@catallus5 we have spoken since my last post and he assures me he's been faithful.

I don't know what to think with regards to porn. I have no issue with porn in general. I had never given it a second thought until recently. I am aware that he uses it, but I'm not sure if it's the cause of our problem or whether our issues have made him more reliant on porn. I know I need to have yet another chat but the thought of that at the moment is too much.

Thanks for the responses so far, its helpful getting my thoughts down xx

@Sadgirl23 did I read that right? 2-3 times a year? That is definitely a sexless relationship. (Similar to what I had with my XW before we split)

You don't say how old he is, but age can bring ED issues, but as a PP has said, if he can get & maintain an erection long enough to masturbate, then it's nothing physical.

He sees sex as a chore? what's wrong with him? Does he actually mean that he sees sex with you as a chore? (sorry!)

I suspect he no longer sees you as a person to have sex with. (sorry!) I'm afraid you may have moved from "wife" to "mum"... (I bet you do all the housework & chores)

I doubt a sex therapist will help at this late stage. If you had managed to see one early on, then maybe, but now? Plus, he has to want to have a sexual relationship with you, and it doesn't sound like he does. (sorry)

Maybe you need to ask him outright about that? Be prepared for an answer that you don't want to hear..

Start thinking about how you want things to progress. If DH isn't interested in you anymore, what then? If he is, then he needs to start proving it - doesn't need to be sex five times a week, but at least show you he actually wants you.

Hugs from someone that has been through this!

Echo everything that @averageguy said .

You are in a sexless marriage, no idea how old you are but you need to decide if you stay and live with it or if you go and have a relationship with someone who actually wants you.

About porn. Perhaps not on the sex board specifically, but on MN the received wisdom is that porn drives out sex. I don't think that's right. But if something else drives it out, among men porn use can prevent sex from returning. Perhaps this is what's going on here.

Which is why if I were him I'd be going cold turkey.

I think the sex therapist is well worth a try actually. If things were before they can be again. I absolutely believe couples can regain their spark. The bad news is that it's entirely dependent on him engaging. Do you think he wants to? Do you think he's going to be honest and open?

@AverageGuy I have taken your advice and asked him outright. We had a blazing row and DH stormed out and told me there was nothing wrong. He came back at tea time in a right state so I sent DC to my Mum's for a bit as I didnt want them to see him like that. He burst into tears and grabbed on to me sobbing uncontrollably. I was really worried by this point. Eventually he confessed that the problems were not to do with me and that his issues stem from the fact that he was sexually abused by his babysitter as a child. He said this is the first time he has ever told anyone ever as he is so ashamed. I feel devastated. Devastated that he has been abused and didnt feel able to speak out. Heartbroken that it has affected him so badly. Angry at myself for not noticing the signs. I just held him for a bit and cuddled him, but I have no idea what to do. He is going to seek therapy in the next few weeks when he is feeling better, but what can I do to help? I feel utterly useless. He said he supressed it and buried it for years and it didn't affect him but after our DCs were born it reared its head again. Sorry for the sinister turn of this post, I was not expecting this at all. I have no clue where to go from here. I feel heartbroken

@Sadgirl23
Hi, that’s tough stuff for you to go through, but you have some answers now and that can only be a good thing, all you can really do now is be there to support and help your partner as he works through this, good luck to the pair of you, and let him have a pint on me 🍻

@sadgirl23
Firstly, hugs & for what must have been a traumatic evening, but kudos to you for having the courage to confront him, and even more to him for having the courage to admit his issues.

He has obviously had a hell of a time as a child, and it has no doubt scarred him, and therapy is definitely the way forward.

Of course it's devastating, but you must not blame yourself How were you to know? All you knew was that DH (apparently) didn't want to have sex with you.

The hardest part of this was him admitting he has a problem. He has taken the first painful step on the road to recovery. It's likely to be a long journey, and it will bring up a lot of stuff that he won't want to face.

You obviously love him. All you can do is keep telling him that, be there for him, and support him on this journey (holding him, and cuddles are definitely a good start!). Be prepared for a bumpy ride.

Hugs!

Your poor DH.

Hopefully now he’s confided in you, he can make steps to deal with this. He’s already come a long way by talking to you about it. All you can do is support him in getting help to deal with his feelings. This is such a difficult situation. I feel for you.

I can understand having children bringing it all back. There are things from my childhood that I thought were normal that I have since realised were anything but normal since having a child.

Good luck to you both, I hope he can work through this.

I'm so sorry to read this. But while you may not yet know where to go from here, I think you have done all the right things so far.

Sorry to hear he went through such an experience, I hope he finds some therapy that will help with his mental health. He could improve his habits and that would help too though, maybe. All of thiis would be when he feels comfortable doing it.

he stays up late and sees to himself most evenings

That's not going to help then, is it? If he's serious about sorting the sex between you, he could try not wanking (usually using porn, perhaps?) as often. It does sound like he's hooked/it's a habit.

If you want penetrative sex (to me it's the best bit of sex- a lot of women prefer other activities but I don't, so sex without it wouldn't feel like a proper session to me) he could use something like a hollow strap on. You can get vibrating ones so it feels nice for the bloke too. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/strap-ons/hollow-strap-ons/