Not satisfied with sex life

[firehaven]

Hi please give me some opinions or maybe someone in similar situation.
I've been with my partner for 10 years. I've always had high sex drive and I've always initiated sex. I would be the one to talk about it, talk about fantasies, tell him what I would like to do try etc. Obviously it was more exciting at the beginning, but my husband does not try anymore. He watches porn and masturbates a lot, I've talked to him about this, Over the years I've cried, I've been mad, I tried to support him, I brought him to therapy. But nothing has worked. Now we have less sex than ever, yet he continues to watch porn. He never tells me when he is horny, every time I try to talk about sex he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so unhappy I've started fantasising about other men actually wanting me that way.
Apart from the sex life we are good friends, partners, we have a house, two year old daughter and another baby on the way. And no pregnancy has not made things worse, this has been going on for years. The only thing now I'm a bit less confident about my body after the first baby so I don't initiate as much but I'm also tired of it. Tired of being unwanted. Of always having to ask for it.

I was in the reverse situation, my ExW decided she didn’t want sex (with me at least) any more, destroyed my self esteem, broke our relationship.
Limped along for about 2 years, Before splitting….

For me, if my partner was wanking and watching porn instead of having sex with me, I’d end it.

That's tough, it's great that you've been communicating with your husband but the fact that he's not making an effort is quite sad. I'm the opposite to you, so my sex drive is lower than DH's, however sex is important to him, so I make an effort, listen to what he wants, and we settled on a balance of needs over the years.
Masturbation can be quite selfish/indulgent, especially when porn is involved IMO. In this situation, he's prioritising his own pleasure over yours, losing that connection a healthy sex life brings to a couple, I'm sorry he's being such an arse.

I'm not keen on my postnatal body either, so I know where you're coming from confidence-wise. The thing is, the right man wouldn't care, he'd want to make you feel good. It's so difficult to suggest anything because you've done everything right! Hopefully someone else might have some suggestions, you may find you get more responses if you post in relationships, the sex section of MN seems to be a bit quiet.

@BadgeronaMoped

That's tough, it's great that you've been communicating with your husband but the fact that he's not making an effort is quite sad. I'm the opposite to you, so my sex drive is lower than DH's, however sex is important to him, so I make an effort, listen to what he wants, and we settled on a balance of needs over the years. Masturbation can be quite selfish/indulgent, especially when porn is involved IMO. In this situation, he's prioritising his own pleasure over yours, losing that connection a healthy sex life brings to a couple, I'm sorry he's being such an arse.

I'm not keen on my postnatal body either, so I know where you're coming from confidence-wise. The thing is, the right man wouldn't care, he'd want to make you feel good. It's so difficult to suggest anything because you've done everything right! Hopefully someone else might have some suggestions, you may find you get more responses if you post in relationships, the sex section of MN seems to be a bit quiet.

Thank you, not looking for much advice just understanding.

Really sad to read through this type of post. The OP comes across as v patient and supportive and has put a lot of effort into the relationship. Her partner should be prepared to either take break from the porn and/or (depending on her boundaries) share with her - watching porn as couple is more exciting than doing it solo. His current porn/masturbation habits are v selfish.

Alternative radical solution could be the female led relationship/chastity/orgasm denial approach, quite a few blogs on this (e.g. Evolving Your Man) and whilst it seems a bit full on (it's a BDSM lifestyle) it sounds like the OP has exhausted virtually everything else with a somewhat uncooperative partner.

Thanks for the advice, I will check it out.

I do genuinely think that my partner has a problem with intimacy and connection, he escapes to porn because it's easy. He said himself he prefers to be "almost anonymous"
He doesn't ask for anything ever. He comes from very emotionally distant family, I think asking for your needs being met was not allowed, so he learnt to suppress them or just deal with them on his own. I think he needs therapy, I tried suggesting it but with lockdown it has been extremely difficult.