DP and I are going through a dry spell and I'm looking for advice on how to fix it.
Before DC1 came along, everything was normal, plenty of holding hands, kissing, touching, in-out-in-out etc. We resumed sex pretty quickly after DC1 arrived but I soon realised it was always me initiating it. He was a willing participant but never did anything to make it happen. Even during the actual deed, he did very little, favouring the sack-of-potatoes approach to intimacy.
DP was ambivalent about having a second child, as DC1 was difficult and exhausting. He wanted to leave it to "chance", which, as he never initiated sex, meant that in practice it was down to me to decide/worry/obsess over whether/when to DTD to maximise/minimise the likelihood of getting pregnant. Once I was pregnant with DC2, he still didn't initiate sex.
I was halfway through an uncomfortable pregnancy when the pandemic struck. Lockdown with a tantrumming DC1 was extremely stressful, I had awful back pain and sex was the first thing to go. Didn't care, just in survival mode. We have both been very cautious during covid, probably overly so, which has kept us in that stressed out, hunkered down, survival mode longer than most other people.
Now, a year later, things are improving. DC1 has suddenly grown up and is much more pleasant to live with. I've just finished feeding DC2 so that commitment has lifted. And our closed, anxious little world is opening up - we have been meeting friends in the park and we went to eat out for the first time yesterday. We are agreed that DC2 is our last, so there are no tensions over that.
It feels like the right time to try to break the dry spell. I miss sex but mostly I just fear the status quo will become permanent and fatally damage our relationship. We hold hands, occasional hug or peck on the lips if I initiate it, but that's it.
How/when do I tackle this?! We might be less stressed, but we are tired and have no free time. DP has no energy in the mornings. During the week we WFH but his work is busy all day (mine less so atm). By the time the kids are in bed, we're both shattered. Middle of the night we both want to sleep. Weekends DC need constant supervision. A weekend away without the kids would be lovely but even if we managed to get childcare, it would be a lot of pressure and anyway, it would be one weekend, not a regular solution.
Besides, the elephant in the room is that DP hasn't initiated any kind of affection for so long that I suspect this may be a bigger issue than just stress, tiredness and time.
Any suggestions for how I can handle this gently?