Partner and I have differing opinions on sex

[andie17]

Hi everyone. Hope you don't mind me asking, but I just need some advice please.
My partner and I are in disagreement about sex and orgasms.
My opinion is when you have sex the objective is for both people to have an orgasm. I want him to be happy, but equally so do I.
His opinion is that that is not always the case. Sometimes I get to have one, sometimes he does.
Don't get me wrong, he will quite often give me an orgasm randomly by stimulation, but doesn't want sex in return. I will often say I'd rather he didn't do that because part of the intimacy for me is physically 'being' with him, he will say to not worry and go ahead and do it anyway. (I don't mind it, but it doesn't make me feel connected to him at all).
However, he feels when having sex if he orgasms and I don't, that's fine. He doesn't think about it, it doesn't even register. I then hate it as feel frustrated and left out, I thought it was a 'together thing'.
Anyway, having spoken about it, he says he's never heard of somebody thinking that's how sex works or it hasn't been in his experience, but I also have never been in a relationship with someone and you have sex but they don't care if you orgasm or not.
Are there any opinions on this? I know it's not a black and white answer, but I'm very confused as we clearly have two very different experiences of a sex life??
Thanks in advance for any advice!

I normally have my orgasm first from clitoral stimulation and then when we have sex dh can have his. Then we are both getting what we want

There are various ways to answer your question. If it's purely about both of you having orgasms then I'm actually on your partner's side. But the issue is bigger than that.

If he doesn't want one, that's his prerogative. Having said that, I'm curious about why he wouldn't want one if you'd just had one, as men orgasm more easily than women, generally speaking. Perhaps there is a way of changing that.

As for you not getting one: he should care about this, however, the better question is why aren't you getting one and what could you do or help him so to change this?

Orgasms are great, but your can turn them into a burden if you both have to have them every time.

I used to mind very much whether DW orgasmed, more than she did, and I don't think that made me a better lover.

I'm with your DP on this one. You can still have intimacy and be "together" without anyone cumming. It's about the journey, not the destination!

My partner and I sometimes have sex where he doesn't cum. He doesn't mind and I don't feel like his lack of orgasm is any kind of failure on my part. Equally, I'm not always able to achieve orgasm but I still have a bloody great time with him.

As long as we are both satisfied with our sex life and the attention we are receiving from the other, there's no problem. I've never understood all the fuss about "finishing".

@dementedpixie this is kind of what I always thought was supposed to be the case.

@catullus5 it would seem he finds it harder to orgasm than I do and loses interest for a significant period of time if he does have one. I have quite a high sex drive so I think he struggles with the frequency in which I like to be active. Therefore he will offer to do things for me without wanting anything to be done to him, which whilst I appreciate, I actually find less of a turn on as I don't feel any connection to him. It feels more like a chore he completes so that I don't feel put out we can't have sex.

In respect of me not getting one sometimes when we have intercourse, it's not done maliciously on his part (he says), but I'm not even given the option. There's no foreplay or forewarning it's all for him, he just gets straight on with it without really touching me, has his ending and that's it, we're done. I find that frustrating, humiliating and embarrassing. Everytime he asks to do it just for me, I question it, often say, no, not if you're not actually getting anything from it and it's very open. When we have sex and I don't get given the option of an orgasm without discussion, I find it unfeeling and degrading.

@PinotPony I guess that says an awful lot then. I don't particularly enjoy our sex life and I don't think he does any more either.

I think he perhaps feels pressured for sex because we only see each other a couple of times a week and yes, I do want sex everytime we see each other because it could be over a week before our next opportunity.
I would love to be able to turn him on by foreplay and just being with him, but he doesn't get turned on by any outside stimulation like stroking, kissing his body etc. He only gets turned on by being touched down there or intercourse, so it's not usually a lengthy process.
The actual act of sex is very quick so there's not alot I can do except let what happens happen but it leaves us very disconnected.

So have you talked to him about all that? It sounds like you're not proper communicating about your wants and needs. The issue about orgasms is part of a bigger problem if you're both dissatisfied with your sex life and feeling unconnected.

What would happen if you took penetrative sex off the table for a while? I mean just touching and kissing each other, really looking at each other's reactions to different stimulus, massage and stroking, bathing together, actually communicating about how you both like to be touched, talking dirty to tease each other... it's a cliche but going back to basics and taking all the pressure off often helps.

It's unusual that he doesn't get turned on by anything other than you actually playing with his cock. I'm not sure I buy that... that sounds like a selfish partner who just wants you to make him cum sooner rather than later.

@PinotPony yes, we've talked about it lots, but he says just sometimes he gets an orgasm, sometimes I do, sometimes we both do and that's just the way it is.
He feels I'm selfish because I like to have an orgasm everytime we have sex, but it's not like I just want to, I'm also invested in him having one.

We've tried all the stoking and touching business, but he doesn't like massages and he is quite hairy and says he feels nothing on his body as the hair gets in the way. We can do the talking stuff, but that only leads to him wanting to go in straight away.

I don't know what more I can do. Is it selfish to want an orgasm everytime? When we do it and only he has an orgasm, I literally just feel like a sex dummy.

*stroking

We, well, he's a lot selfish and crap in bed and just covering. Gets on with no foreplay, does his thing, then that's it . Not acceptable at all, in no way should you stand for that! I'm with you OP, I'd always expect a man to at least try his best to get you to orgasm - though, nobody's under obligation, and rare occasions have occurred where it's just not going to happen. But not to even bother trying? That's just wrong.
Now, if as a woman you happen to be in the mood for a quickie jump on, ok if ok with them. So likewise, if that's what they are in the mood for, they'd better make it clear from the off and check it's fine by you, but also expect that if you then require some after playing it's part of the deal. Especially if you don't come by PIV alone.

My DH has never left me without an orgasm. I usually finish first, but if I don’t he’ll ensure I get there. So in our relationship at least, it’s important to both of us that we each have an orgasm. There have been times when he hasn’t, but I always do.

Have you been together very long? You might just be incompatible in the long run, but I honestly can’t see many women being happy with his approach!

Wow, honestly OP I'd bin him off. There are so many people out there who will actually give a shit about your orgasm!

loses interest for a significant period of time if he does have one

This is what I call a "come and done". Most men feel sleepy after they come, which is why most men make sure their partner comes first.

If I'm reading you right, you don't live together and only meet a couple of times a week? In which case you should be shagging each others brains out when you do meet! I mean what's the point otherwise? You watch TV together and then help him have a wank?!

I sort of understand some what he is saying, as an older man, sometimes I can’t always cum but hopefully a partner would understand that and not be upset, and I would expect the same if a partner could not get there from time to time, but to not care is a bit shit TBH.