Performance problems with new boyfriend

[BobFlemingHere]

I wondered if anyone can give me any advice on this situation.

I'm (female) 50, he's 55 and we've known each other for 6 months. Only recently been intimate because of Covid. When we had sex, he got a decent erection but he didn't cum. I didn't worry about that. First times can be awkward.

The second time we went to bed a week later, he lost his erection before we managed to have sex. This made me feel awful! He was saying "it's not you, it's me". "Please can you be patient with me". Reassured me he fancies me etc.

But I'm terrified of trying again. I felt humiliated and hurt and deeply unattractive. I've not said any of that to him as I'm acutely aware that he will be upset about what happened and any pressure or disappointment from me will only make it worse.

I think he's had performance issues before as even before we had sex, he was saying how I would need to be patient and he can get "overwhelmed".

I'm now avoiding being alone in private with him.

Any tips or just anything that could help me please? Thanks

It is him and his age, not you. Just be sympathetic.

I must begin by saying that any emotions you experience about this situation are most likely to be insignificant in comparison to what he feels. Many men have performance anxiety in the intial stages of a sexual relationship and this, coupled with the fact that he is at an age when about 50% of men have erectile dysfunction to some degree, puts him in a most unenviable position.

There is far too much overemphasis on PIV as the only way to have 'real' sex. I suggest you lose that mindset and just get involved in having fun in whatever way you can. Preventing yourself from being alone with him is not going to help at all. He will undoubtedly sense your apprehension, and that will simply pile on more pressure.

It sounds to me as though you are having difficulty in empathising with him, and that is not a good sign at the start of a sexual relationship. If you cannot find it within yourself to help him, then it may be better to cut and run. I apologise for sounding harsh, but helping him is the best way to help yourself.

Thank you for the responses.

In my own way, I thought I was helping him by making sure we are having day trips out/keeping out of the house so he'd be able to relax more as sex isn't on the cards. I want him to know I love spending time with him. Then perhaps we could try again in a few weeks maybe. However, I can see how this might come across badly.

PIV is important to me. It makes me feel loved and connected.

I know he may be dealing with some complex emotions as he had a long marriage and is quite religious, although he has had another relationship after his divorce but before me. I don't know why that didn't work out.

For an older guy, not being able to ejaculate is not uncommon...(I’m older as well ), check out delayed Ejaculation
www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

The ED sounds more like performance anxiety based on the previous failure, especially if he had previously had an decent erection.

As PP says Try taking PIV of the table for a while and look at massage to get physically connected and comfortable

Don't focus on him ejaculating- you can enjoy sex without it.

What you've got is a classic spiral - he's got performance issues in his head and when sex starts so does the overthinking.

A penis has a mind of its own. Its not either you or him - it just is.

I'm not bothered about the ejaculation issue. I think men can enjoy sex without ejaculating, as women can enjoy it without an orgasm.

I worry about him fretting and me saying the wrong thing or it happening again and again.

I think we need a conversation to agree a way forward. I'm not doing us any favours by behaving how I am currently.

I'm 50's...I probably ejaculate 80% of the time....
If he can get an erection I would say the plumbing works so it is most likely nerves/performance anxiety. Take PIV off the table for a bit till you get to know one another better when being intimate....liked and dislikes....touch and caressing...oral and masturbate each other etc...If remaining erect continues to be an issue for penetration and there are no underlying health issues a low dose viagra tablet (available without prescription from boots etc) will ensure he remains hard and once he has satisfied you with PIV successfully a couple of times he won't need any pills. Good luck and enjoy

I can understand why you’d feel unattractive, when I was much younger (17) I had a bf who struggled to get an erection and it honestly made me feel like he didn’t like me enough, it was massively embarrassing, I wrongly told him this and he said it was because he was anxious, he’d also lose his erection mid-sex and he was never rock hard. Now I’m much more wiser and aware of this (it’s never happened since then with any partners!) I’d be much more gentle about it.

Thank you all for the level headed responses. I feel a lot better and am hopeful we can sort this out.

Bless him. It's not because he doesn't like you!!! In fact it's almost more because he does!

He's scared he'll lose his erection so he does. The only way forwards is to remove the pressure and reassure him you don't mind and you don't for a second think he doesn't like you.

And don't avoid sex. Make it a priority. But just do skin to skin contact and being next to each other. Tell him he's not allowed to have sex with you for now and he can just make you orgasm loads. Take the focus off him. And just tantalise him but don't go far. Brush your breasts in his face. Lick him. Then ask him to make you come with his tongue or fingers.

Could actually be quite a nice time for you!! 😉 and let him try not to join in ..... at some point he'll relax and his dick will come back. Just don't make the talk too explicit about the issue. Be happy and let him focus on you for as long as it takes.

Go back to teenage heavy petting.

Viagra would help - it sounds like he desires you & it'd make his erections more reliable until he feels more confident

The following may help: ignore if it doesn't.

Earlier this year I got put on antidepressants. I think I was at risk at burning out due to work. Until then I'd had very few 'performance' issues at all, certainly nothing that caused me any worry although my sex drive was being affected by exhaustion.

Once I was on the antidepressants I immediately lost sensation all over my body and could no longer orgasm.

I'm now off them, which I had hoped would mean everything got back to normal - but it absolutely hasn't. When DW and I have sex I still can't orgasm. The reason is that I now have a voice in my head repeating over and over that 'it isn't going to work' and so I can't relax and let things happen as they should.

The antidepressants aren't the issue: it's the inner voice.

My plan is quite different to yours. It's that DW and I will spend a lot of time naked in bed with no pressure and hopefully things will come right. I'm giving it two months and then I'm off to the GP.

In your case I suspect (and as others have said above) it's also his inner voice making sex in some way threatening. Experiences in his marriage, religious background - what is it - and antidepressants if he's taken them at some point - all of these things could have an effect.

Very helpful comments from all. Thank you again.

I do believe it's his 'inner voice'. He's told me before that he's suffered from anxiety due to workplace stress and he took anti depressants for a while. I think he's off them now but I'm guessing.

When we did have sex, he said he was close to orgasm but then just couldn't.

We both have teens at home so time alone is very very limited - another strain as alone time then turns into "this is the only time we've got to do it" time. Leisurely afternoons and nights in bed just aren't an option right now.

I'm not seeing him for about a week anyway as he's been ordered to isolate by the app 🙄. I'll reset my thinking and try to have an open chat when the time is right.

I really care about him and desperately want this to work out. He's kind, funny, attentive and simply wonderful. I am slightly ashamed of how I've reacted but it's not a situation I've ever encountered before.

When we did have sex, he said he was close to orgasm but then just couldn't

Yep, I can relate to this.

We both have teens at home so time alone is very very limited - another strain as alone time then turns into "this is the only time we've got to do it" time. Leisurely afternoons and nights in bed just aren't an option right now.

And this. But every little helps, even if time is limited. Even 20 minutes of doing nothing.

The AD I took was Fluoxetine and sexual dysfunction is a known side effect. It was a strange feeling taking it. It numbed my negative emotions but also my physical sensations too. I remember scratching my arm because it felt just like I had lost circulation in it.

I know you said you weren't concerned about him not ejaculating but it's almost certainly something that's got into his head and affected his ability to enjoy sex and keep his erection.

It's been a real eye opener to me how easily it can go wrong.

How do you think his marriage & religion is affecting this? Obvs don't answer if that's too identifying.

He's from a devout Catholic family and was a regular church goer until a few years ago when he struggled with keeping his faith.

He's made a few comments about the guilt he feels having gotten divorced. How his marriage should have been for life etc. He was married for 25+ years. He said he can no longer take communion "for obvious reasons". I'm not sure what he meant by that but it made me think his religious feelings are still very much on his mind.

I think there's a niggle somewhere about sleeping with someone who isn't his wife.

@BobFlemingHere

I think there's a niggle somewhere about sleeping with someone who isn't his wife.

Yes it sounds like it.

I think it's a combination of factors, but all mental (although also if antidepressants then physical).

The only way is as I described with zero pressure and going for sensual. BUT I think the Catholic guilt and you not his wife might be hard to dissolve. Talking might help?

I hope you get through to him as he sounds v much worth it.

Why did his marriage break down? May be a good place to start?

The Catholic Church states that, unless divorced Catholics receive an annulment, they are committing adultery in any new sexual relationship and therefore cannot receive communion. That will explain his 'obvious reasons'.

May I offer some advice on having teenagers at home and finding this a restriction? My partner and I had teenaged children living with us and our time together was limited as she worked nights, chiefly at weekends, and I did Mon-Fri 9-5. On many occasions we would retire to our room to make love when the children were around. Although we were not swinging from the chandeliers, screaming, and moaning out loud there was no doubt what we were doing. It caused no embarrassment, either on their or our behalf, and we simply made it plain we were not to be disturbed unless the house was on fire.

As adults your teens strongly suspect that your relationship is sexual, so why try and make out that it isn't? I am not saying that you need to tell them all about your sex life, but I do not consider that adults should pussyfoot around the subject of sex where teenagers are concerned. They are far more likely to have normal relationships of their own if you adopt a position that emphasises that sex is normal and not something to feel guilty about.

I had this with a new partner once and things just didn't get going at all due to nerves.

Soon passed though and things were fine the next time when I was more relaxed and over the initial first time hurdle.

@xpc316e my attitude to sex and teens at home is exactly as you describe, but further down the line. Priority right now needs to be us alone. It must be difficult enough for him at the moment without worrying about his adult children 'knowing' that we are having private time.

@HerHusband that's good to hear.

BobFlemingHere, it is good to know that you are coming from an honest, open place regarding sex. My partner is a Catholic from the Philippines, and she has struggled with her guilt over the years. With my help and encouragement she is now in a much less repressed state of mind. Her husband ran out on her 20 years ago, and she is still married to him. She goes to church occasionally and has managed to reconcile herself to the Catholic church's medieval attitude to relationships, divorce, sex, abuse, and homosexuality. It certainly isn't easy when the guilt has been fed to you from day #1.

I wish you, and your partner, all the very best on your journey.

My DW is a catholic who divorced her ex after he cheated on her, obviously we couldn't marry in a Catholic Church but we still take communion and our DC were baptised by the church. I think the church turns a blind eye most of the time, there would be very few Catholics left if it insisted on strict adherence to every detail of church teaching.

On the sex issue he's right, it's him. He obviously has deep-seated performance anxiety. And perhaps also physical issues though if he is healthy in other respects a 55 year old man should still be perfectly capable. But in his case there are major issues which I suggest are mostly psychological and not physical. He may be able to overcome them with time and sympathy but this is not certain. If an active sex life is important to you it may be that this relationship will not work. Perhaps give it, say, six months and if there is no improvement you will have a decision to make. At your age you don't have to accept a diminishing sex life, many couples continue to have active and fulfilling sex lives through their 50s and beyond. My DW and I are lucky enough to be one of them.

antidepressants destroyed my ability to maintain a decent erection, in my late 40s. Never the same even after stopping the ADs, 10 years ago now.

Viagra has been an absolute charm.

My 'performance' without a 'chemical advantage' would be very similar to what you describe of your partner OP. If you genuinely like the guy then talk to him about viagra

There are a couple of ways the Catholicism might play into this.

Guilt about the marriage breakdown, even if it wasn't his fault. That's because it was meant to be a promise for life that he was unable to keep.

Guilt about having a sex drive full stop. As far as I can tell, Catholics can only cope with this by simply accepting that they're being held to an impossible standard, one that gives every encouragement to a person just to repress their sex drive (I think this is true of Christianity generally tbh.

I think both things can put a pretty heavy 'brake' in a person's mind

I'm not a Catholic but the posts above this one seem very consistent with the impression I've got of it.