He wants me to feel sexy and I just don't

[Libidoless40]

NC'd for this.

Gave birth (C section, emergency, pretty rough) 18 months ago. I'm late 30s. Had a hormonal coil put in afterwards.

Sex drive has gone AWOL. Partner has a high sex drive and extremely disappointed. This is with me still "making the effort" 1-2 times a week but he wants way more, wants me to initiate the sex, to have more orgasms, to let him touch/lick me more (my compromise has been I don't mind having sex with him but I am often protective of my clit as has become sore/oversensitive).

This has become stressful on both sides, he feels frustrated, I feel pressured.

We both work full time; aside from our toddler, his teen and pre teen are here a lot, and his elderly parents come over. It's a 2 bed flat constantly full of the mess of 3 kids, struggling to move house. Thanks to covid we haven't gone out as a couple since DC was born. I find it hard to flip into sexy mode amid all this, but I'm also wondering if something has happened hormonally or physically as I feel so little desire. Wondering if anyone has had the same and recovered their sex life. DP said yesterday our sex life is "on the verge of extinction!" ... feels a bit dramatic to me on the basis of sex at least weekly, but has piled on more feelings of guilt/pressure. Made a GP appointment. Not sure what they can do.

If you're still having sex once or twice a week then I think hes being unreasonable. When we have young children it can be so hard to get in the mood, at the end of the day you just want to sleep not be groped ! Hes still having a sex life, hes being a bit of a knob I think. He can always have a wank.

1-2 times a week is quite good, especially with the demands of a family and work. He should not be pushing you into doing things you’re not comfortable with, also he certainly should not be coercing you into having sex. I don’t know what a GP would suggest, especially as you’re still having sex. My husband would have sex every day but we have sex twice a week and he’s never pressured me into having sex more than that.

Sorry but he sounds like a completely ignorant prick! You must be exhausted and he needs a reality check! If you are still managing 1-2 times a week you are doing amazing. I’m guessing there is a reason why he has been separated prior with those kind of ridiculously ignorant demands? 🤔 no advice just commiserations your poor thing. Also think your coil could be having an impact for sure, but regardless where is the respect?! Xx

Thanks everyone for your kind replies.

@Vegiepatch I know that it was an issue between him and ex.
Out of interest do you know any more about the coil thing? I wasn't aware that it could impact sexual function but something is definitely physically different. It would be a shame to have it out (ouch) and that isn't the issue though as it is really convenient.

So ive never had the mirena but I know its a progesterone hormone driven coil. When I was on the progesterone only pill my previously rampant sex drive dried up overnight and never raised its head in 2 years. Came back like a roaring lion after i stopped taking it!! BIG HOWEVER.....sorry honey your man is a prize turnip. You are not a sex doll there just to please him. 1-2 a week is amazing ( and more than he deserves) you need a tough talk. Tell him as this issue has happened before its his issue not yours. He needs to back off and give you space otherwise you will end up hating him. Do NOT tell him it may be the coil as its his get out of jail free card. If he keeps pressurising you show him the door sharpish. Good luck.

Man here. I agree with all the previous contributors. He is being very selfish; once or twice a week when you work and have a small child is incredible and he should consider himself very lucky. Don't feel pressured into "making an effort", he needs to make the effort to be a more understanding partner.

@Libidoless40 I think any hormonal contraceptive has potential to impact in some way. There is also a risk of breast cancer as well so just be aware of that too. Have you been checked for other conditions like thyroid? As that’s a very common condition that can affect libido.

@Vegiepatch thank you, I will mention thyroid to the GP though don't have other symptoms. She is fairly certain a lot is lifestyle (job/kids/sleep) and maybe progesterone not helping.

I found the combined pill OK in the past.

@Libidoless40 A lot of women have too much oestrogen which can lead to low libido too but yeh working and parenting is stressful and exhausting so could be just that plus the pressure he is putting you under.

Makes sense. He's been asking for sex almost every night this week and if I'm too tired then he asks as soon as I'm awake. it seems hard to find a compromise where either of us is happy at the moment!

Gosh sorry @Libidoless40 he sounds like such a bore... that pressure wld be so tedious I would want to shut shop too. Tell him he has a hand ffs. Is he REALLY that oblivious to everyone and everything else in his life?

More tired than him, are you doing more parenting than him, or does he pull his weight? Nothing less sexy than a man who leaves too much house and child rearing to their partner. Sounds like he's got plenty of energy to do more during the day.

Tell him, clearly and firmly, to fuck off. He is asking you to do sexual things he knows you don't want to do, and pressuring and badgering you to do them more than you are able to bring yourself to do. There is a word for that kind of person, and it is not a good word. Tell him you don't want to be married to a sex pest, and he can either leave you the fuck alone and wait for you to initiate sex or take a running jump because you will not accede to rape for his convenience.

Also ffs he's getting it once/twice a week with a child under 2 (presumably not sleeping through)? He's in fucking clover the twat.

I'm actually particularly angry about him wanting to "touch/lick you more" and for you to "have more orgasms". Some might see this as a wish to "pleasure you" and this redeeming. Quite the opposite imo, he wants you to provide the backing track to his porny little fantasy fuck, and you dutifully having sex he knows you're not keen on because you love him and want to make him happy is killing that for him. A decent reaction would be to not get off on having sex with you until you are keen again; his reaction is for you to give him unwelcome access to parts of your body and to "perform" on cue. Which I think tells you all you need to know about him.

OP he's being totally unreasonable. I also have a 18mo and had a c section. We've only just started having sex and DH would punch the air if he had it twice a week.
Fwiw I was also on progesterone only pill from 16-30 when we were ttc. I actually thought I was asexual for 95% of it because I didn't want sex EVER. And I mean literally Zero sex drive. Came off the pill and it went through the roof. Same happens when pregnant or bfeeding, I literally couldn't give a damn about sex. Husband wants me to go back on the pill now as its easy contraception (been using condoms since dc2 which neither of us like) but I've had to remind him if I do, the reason we don't have babies is because we don't have sex!!