Underage Sex with Older Man *sensitive topic*

[NotSureWhatToDoAboutIt]

I have name changed for this post. I am just looking for opinions about what I should do.
When I was 15, I was having a sexual relationship with a man 13 years my senior, no one knew about this at the time, apart from one of my friends. I was a pretty naive teenager and had a fairly dysfunctional upbringing but still a happy one. He took my virginity, which was consented, although he had pressured me into this, so I willingly agreed, we had sex a few more times after that on separate occasions but it was painful and I told him I didn’t want to have sex anymore, we eventually broke up with the occasional text message, I had told him I met someone else and he sent me numerous abusive messages and called me many times, which I subsequently ignored but at the time it was upsetting for me and made me feel bad. I am now in my 30’s, this happened 20 years ago, I have a child who is 15 and it’s dawned on me how wrong this was but also illegal and the thought of this happening to my own child, horrifies me. I’ve searched him on Facebook and he is a member, I don’t know if he’s married, or has a family, as it’s only a picture of him but I feel like messaging him and telling him how wrong he was to do what he did and that he should have known it wasn’t right to do what he did with a young girl who was underage (I was still at school!) but at the same time I just want to bury it and forget it happened.
What would you do?

An older man's view here.

It was abusive @NotSureWhatToDoAboutIt, and what made it abusive was the age difference. If he had been a boy the same age as you, or if it happened when you were the age you are now, your consent would have been genuinely given.

Your fresh perspective comes from maturity, and having a child the same age as you were then.

I don't think contacting him directly is wise, he might interpret it wrongly. Or it could end up in a messaging wangle.

I'd suggest contacting a specialist women's organisation for support and advice.

How did you know him?

I agree with the above poster that it might be helpful to talk to someone about it. It's not on that the onus is on you to recover from it though, he should not have been a vile piece of shit in the first place. It shouldn't have ever happened. Call him out if you want to. It may not get anywhere though, I imagine he'll either deny it or turn it round on you being the instigator.

But it might feel cathartic to have done it. A way of exorcising some of the negative feelings about it by verbalising your perspective. Even if he already knows (and he does) that it was wrong, you'll have said it.

He is a rapist, however. Statutory rapist. I dont think those kinds of people are ever remorseful. I highly doubt he'll hold his hands up to it. Sickeningly, he's probably worse now.

But do what you need to. It was wrong. You were a child. Have your say.

I think you’re both right, contacting him won’t achieve anything, especially after all this time. I think I just feel angry that he took advantage of me, I also feel a sense of shame that I allowed it to happen. He was an adult, I was a child, he would have known it was wrong surely. I can’t believe I didn’t see this myself, I didn’t see how wrong it all was at the time. Some of the comments he made about my body too, looking back the whole thing repulses me.

You should feel angry about it. As an adult you now appreciate how young and vulnerable you were at that time. That your inexperience (I mean emotional inexperience) meant that you were susceptible to manipulation. If you'd had sex with someone else of a similar age then they were just as young and impressionable. It would have been a similar situation for you both, more equal and less vulnerable. The older man knew you were vulnerable, as you now understand being older. He knew he had the advantage and understood the power balance. That is why it's classed as rape. It was rape. And you are right to be angry.

BUT!!!! not with yourself. What would you tell your own child if they told you this had happened to them. I highly doubt you'd encourage victim blaming. Please be kind to yourself. He was a nasty piece of crap, it wasn't you. Thecreason you didn't see it was because your were a child, you didn't have the tools!

@crackingcrackers - I don’t know why i feel ashamed, I know that I was vulnerable as a young girl but I still feel angry I allowed it to happen, even though I can see I was just a child with no life experience.

I'm sorry that it makes you feel ashamed. I understand those feelings too, but I think I've just gotten so bloody angry with men seeing women and girls as pieces of meat that it's helped me to shed the feelings of shame I felt and squarely place the blame on the arseholes who were responsible.

I was assaulted at 14, in school uniform and definitely shouting for it to stop, but for a very long time I felt shame. That I'd done something wrong and it was somehow my fault. I know it wasn't, but even now I think, "if only I'd tried x, y and z.. ". I think the reason we do that is to try to gain some control in a powerless situation so that we don't feel so vulnerable. But taking that on gives the possibility of us being complicit so we feel shame over something that we didn't want and did us harm. It's not right though.

No advice, just a reminder to block him now you're searched for him on Facebook - he will for sure get a prompt from Facebook to add you as a friend.

If he knows you looked at his profile he could get completely the wrong message.

An 18 year old and a 15 year old is maybe one thing, especially back then but a 28 year old is a full grown up and knows exactly what was going on.

Do not blame yourself in any way, shape or form. This is his fault and all on him.

I agree with the suggestion of seeking support and advice. Not contacting him.