Reclaiming mojo

[headintheproverbial]

I often read threads about mismatched sex drives and the advice tends towards being pretty pessimistic.

I have almost no Sex drive and my DH does. He is sad and angry about how this makes him feel. Since kids I just don't think that way any more. I'm tired, I dislike the way my body looks intensely and frankly I have lost my mojo completely. Nothing physically wrong.

Things came to a head a few months ago and we agreed a schedule of getting back into it. We now aim for once per week. I actually dread this evening even tho I know my husband just loves me and fancies me.

I love him and find him attractive. I don't want to split up over this but I feel that over time resentment from him AND me could make things really hard. He resents me for not giving him enough sex and never instigating it. I resent him for guilting me into something I don't really want to do (but fundamentally agree is fair enough for a husband to want from his wife).

I want to want to. Any tips on how I can regain my mojo? I hoped that doing it a bit would make me want it more but honestly I lie back and think of England. Is there anything else I can try???

I found that exercising more and feeling better (both in myself and about how I looked) helped me.
I also started using a vibrator by myself and that helped my mojo restart.

Sex doesn't magically appear it happens throughout the day/week/month by being generous and kind to each other. Once you have this in place the sex will happen naturally.

@headintheproverbial look up www.jennykeane.com and she’s also on Instagram as @hellojennykeane
She does advice & online workshops on libido & mismatched sex drives. Apparently you don’t need to have your camera on to join in online & everyone keeps their knickers on 😂. She talks about how we feel about ourselves and expectations around sex.
Also look up the sex doctor on Instagram- she does a lot around desire/libido/sex drive etc.
I think @nonflirtinghusband is right too re: exercising.
Good luck OP - let us know how you get on.

You need to lose the negative mindset that you have and see having sex and a loving relationship with your husband as a positive thing.
Try and gain your self confidence, may be exercise will help you create a better self body image and hel the endorphins flow. He obviously still fancies the pants off you even if yo can't see it.
He also has to play his part and try to bring the spark back with compliments, and helping you by allowing you time to feel the moment so that you can confidently start to instigate more physical contact. It needn't always end in sex
If neither of you are prepared for a little give and take then it's unlikely to get back on track and you will both become dissatisfied with the situation.
I hope it works out for you both.

proverbial what is he doing to help you get your mojo back ?

@peridito

proverbial what is he doing to help you get your mojo back ?

Probably not enough. I'd say he is feeling pretty discouraged at this point tho.

I've actually asked him not to focus on me at all - and suspect this is a mistake. I just want to get on with it... whereas in the past I enjoyed foreplay and would typically orgasm. My head is just not there any more.

I'm so sorry ,it's hard I know . Sorry ,no pun intended .

If you want to want sex, and it sounds like you do, your half way there. If your husband knows that, that's good too. Work together remembering this isn't something that happened overnight and won't get fixed instantly.
Exercise might help you back to the body you liked. But there's nothing wrong with liking the shape your in. Which is quicker depends on what shape you're in mentally and physically.
Try taking sex off the table for the moment. Focus on intimacy - emotional and non sexual physical. You don't say what the rest of your relationship is like. Do you cuddle and kiss? Are there other pressures in your life like work or money? Do you feel fulfilled and happy in yourself? How old are the kids? Do you have time together without the kids around?
I'm a big fan of talking to a sex therapist. Find one who belongs to COSRT and will talk to you both together and separately.
Good luck.

I am pleased that you recognise this and you are trying to improve things. Please be warned that potentially, this situation could lead to the breakdown of your relationship. It does for many.

@Estherpologist

If you want to want sex, and it sounds like you do, your half way there. If your husband knows that, that's good too. Work together remembering this isn't something that happened overnight and won't get fixed instantly. Exercise might help you back to the body you liked. But there's nothing wrong with liking the shape your in. Which is quicker depends on what shape you're in mentally and physically. Try taking sex off the table for the moment. Focus on intimacy - emotional and non sexual physical. You don't say what the rest of your relationship is like. Do you cuddle and kiss? Are there other pressures in your life like work or money? Do you feel fulfilled and happy in yourself? How old are the kids? Do you have time together without the kids around? I'm a big fan of talking to a sex therapist. Find one who belongs to COSRT and will talk to you both together and separately. Good luck.

Thank you. I find the idea of a sex therapist excruciating. I would do it if i was confident it would work tho - willing to try anything.

In terms of pressure... our kids are 3 and 7, we both work and don't have any family nearby. Lockdown(s) were very very hard but at the same time we've been fortunate with no money or job worries. And the problems existed pre Covid for sure.

Don't force yourself to have sex when you don't want to! That'll just make you feel even more crap and resentful over time.

Have you tried taking sex off the table altogether and, instead, making it about physical intimacy..? It'll remove all the pressure and dread if you agree in advance that there's to be no penetrative sex, no orgasms.

Start with kisses and cuddles. Some massage. A bath together. Something you can both look forward to without any expectation of it going further. Get comfortable with physical closeness without a sexual element.

Once you both feel relaxed about doing that, progress to more sexual activity but, again, without full sex. Touching each other intimately... oral... more intimate massage... whatever you're comfortable with. There's lots of texts on intimate massage and tantra which are great for building a connection with your partner.

Perhaps take it in turns... so for one evening his focus will be on you and your pleasure with no expectation of you doing anything for him. Just him showing you that he appreciates you and your body... then the next time you do the same for him. I don't mean you lie back and think of England ... but rather you take time to make him feel appreciated. Compliment each other. Be generous.

Ideally you want to build up over several weeks or even months to a situation where you're both entirely relaxed and trust one another.

Getting your mojo back when sex drives are mismatched isn't about persevering in the hope that it'll magically reappear. It's about trying to rediscover what you once loved about each other's physical bodies. And I think that requires going back to basics and reconnecting emotionally with each other.

@headintheproverbial Talking to a sex therapist isn't nearly as bad as you'd imagine. It's their job to not make you uncomfortable. And what have you got to lose?

@headintheproverbial

I think you need to reconnect with yourself first. Gently and kindly. With zero pressure.

I'd start with your cycle. If you aren't on the pill or other hormonal control.

If you are, then this is why you aren't interested in sex. It switches off your hormones and makes everything monochrome instead of glorious technicolour. An effective contraceptive in more ways than one! 🤦‍♀️

So before I launch into how to reconnect ... say if you're on any birth control like that.

[quote Ponchek2]@headintheproverbial

I think you need to reconnect with yourself first. Gently and kindly. With zero pressure.

I'd start with your cycle. If you aren't on the pill or other hormonal control.

If you are, then this is why you aren't interested in sex. It switches off your hormones and makes everything monochrome instead of glorious technicolour. An effective contraceptive in more ways than one! 🤦‍♀️

So before I launch into how to reconnect ... say if you're on any birth control like that. [/quote]
I'm not on any form of birth control....

Perhaps before you can feel more sexual, you need to feel more like yourself? Are there things you used to do, pre-children, that you don't anymore? Hobbies, night out, friendships (obviously I know that some of these will have been impossible with a lockdown). I found I felt very much more sexual after each of my children as soon as I put aside any thoughts that it is selfish to do what I want. So, as lockdown eases, can you get together with friends more? Think of the things that you loved when you were younger, and do them. I know it sounds trite, but I have found that there is nothing like it. When you feel like a whole person with interests and joy in life, sex seems to just fall into place (unless there are medical reasons or your relationship is not satisfactory).

@headintheproverbial

I'm not on any form of birth control

So.

I don't know how conscious you are of your cycle. I don't just mean the obvious few days of having your period. I mean every day. Because for me, as an example, the cycle is so dominant that while there is about 2 days of libido going so through the roof I feel like nothing else matters, there are also days (many) where it drops right down to zero or almost in the negative.

It helps I think to know what's happening with your cycle. It's being carefully controlled by your sex hormones. And you actually have little to no choice over how this affects your user experience as the body/mind that's been taken over. ! Well, that's my conclusion.

My example - see if anything resonates:

Days 1-5 period
Apart from the physical side of it, a lifting sense of hope, of lightness, like after the rain

Up to Day 14
A rising sense of happiness, libido, love, creativity, feeling beautiful

From afternoon/evening of about day 13
Sudden surge in libido
Everything looks amazing if I try on clothes
Men look at me
Ex DP's body always knew and wanted me particularly at that time

Day 15
The feeling of euphoria starts to wear off and drops quite quickly

Week 3
Slight feeling of being in limbo
Everything feels a bit grey and boring
More prone to anxiety
Total plummet in libido

Week 4
5.5 days before period, physical symptoms like sore boobs
5-3.5 days before, v emotional - wake up and want to sob and cry for zero reason
Day 3.5-2 before period, cannot take important decisions now or will be wildly off key, cannot go shopping as will wildly over-spend
Afternoon of day 1 before period starts next day: suddenly extraordinary clearing of the mists and I feel completely normal and very sane. Surge in libido during the night. Period about 8 hours after that surge.

And off we go again.

I think start by learning your arc - maybe writing it down. Then you can really engage with what's happening with you. Then we can layer on other factors like sleeplessness, exhaustion, mental stress, emotional response/concerns around this issue of sex, etc.

Then you can start to be kind to yourself and think how you can work around it all 😘