ED and we are both gutted

[ghostmouse]

Been together with dp for 3 years now and suddenly he's lost his election
Doesn't even get hard in the mornings and I cant make him hard at all.

Over the past 1.5 years quite often doesn't have a hard on in the mornings but he's never really struggled to get a hard on for sex but sometimes would lose it if I'm on top but we got round that.

3 weeks ago he started having gall bladder issues and was in so much pain and was in hospital twice and thats ongoing, he also has indigestion which has suddenly started within the last few months. Plus he wasn't very well with the covid jab at the same time.

Hes admitted he's scared and worried about his health and he's tired a lot (his bloods are fine)

Hes gone from a fit and active man (albeit 1 stone overweight) with a good sex life with the odd ed issue to a worried, tired and inactive man who in his words the turn on function switch has been turned off.

I've done everything I can to turn him on and then he gets upset that he can't. He assures it isn't me but I worry it is.

Hes still up for pleasuring me and I adore him but its affecting his self esteem now and.mine too if im honest

Hes 50.

He doesn't smoke and he rarely drinks

My DH in his early 50's went through a period of ED/Not being able to stay hard. He does not drink or smoke. As you described it knocked him sideways as it had not happened before. That perpetuated a cycle of worry and ED. In his case it was clearly work stress which we did not work out for a while as he has always been in a stressful job. It was a bold decision but he left his job and almost immediately his ED went away. I am not saying it is the same with your DP but stress can do a lot of things to a person. No pressure and lots of support. Good luck

Hi op,
I’m a 52 year old man, reasonably fit and active, but I have had periods of ED, generally stress related, the 1st thing to realise it that is really not your fault, nothing you have done at all.

For a man not being able to get an erection somehow makes you feel like less of man and it really eats away at your self esteem and makes you embarrassed in front of your partner that you can’t’ ‘perform’.

The issue will either in be in his head or in the plumbing’,

If it head, just time and support and resolve by itself, and don’t try to turn him on, that will make is worse as will bring the issue back into focus.

If it’s in the plumbing, a chat with the GP and maybe some viagra might kick start things again.

Just relax and try not to worry
BTW kudos if he prop up a tent in the morning, it’s been years since I’ve been able to do that !

56 year old....it mostly gets hard on cue but not always. Be wise to check with the gp for circulation issues but it's probably stress and being under the weather. If it's in the mind its a viscous cycle. You don't get an erection so you worry next time and then you don't rise and so on. Lots of reassurance and maybe a kick start with low dose viagra as suggested will get things On track...

It is most certainly not you. From what you say, he seems to have had a really rough time of late with his health. That can easily lead to a physical problem with his achieving/maintaining an erection. Once that has happened there can then be a mental fear of not being able to get hard.

That nagging thought about not getting hard is the worst to deal with in my opinion. He absolutely must see his GP about this, if only to be cleared to use something like either Viagra, or Cialis. It might just be that ED has coincidentally arrived at the same time as his health issues, because about 50% of men of his age experience ED with no underlying direct cause. I am one of them and have used Viagra, or its generic equivalent, for years. It changes one's sex life, because of the loss of spontaneity, but that can be worked around.

Another thing you can do is not focus on PIV sex; there are so many things that we can do to bring sexual pleasure to our partner without there being penetrative sex. It may be that you have to change your sex life to suit the prevailing conditions.

Best wishes to the pair of you.

My boyfriend suffers from ED very badly, and has done since I met him. It’s partly psychological - he and his ex suffered from unexplained fertility and she put them on a sex schedule, which, although resulted in a child, also caused a lot of damage mentally and their sex life fizzled away. For him it’s also partly his weight I think; he has a gut which I think can put pressure on the nerves/muscles, and also suffers from terrible indigestion at night. He’s early 50s.

I don’t want to split up over it - he’s the loveliest man I’ve ever met. I don’t put any pressure on him to perform but I also don’t want us to lose sight of the intimacy we do have. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, and do other, non-penetrative stuff (which he is v good at). I can usually get him hard enough (although not rock hard) with my hand so that he can orgasm - it’s when he comes near me with it that there’s a problem! We do sometimes use Viagra - I’ll either suggest it on a weekend afternoon, or he’ll take one if he feels like it. It works to a certain extent so that he can get inside me but then sometimes he thinks about it too hard and it disappears before he ejaculates. It gets him down a bit but not as much as when we first met.

I do wish it worked better for us - for him more than me; I wish he got as much pleasure for himself as he gives me, but what we do have is really good. I know it’s not me that’s causing it, and he knows that I’m not going to leave him over it. Hopefully that lack of pressure and keeping on with intimacy will help us improve.

Thank you all so much for replying :)

The problem is I cant even get him hard at all and that has never ever happened before except in the last couple of weeks.

I also think he's worked himself up in his mind and that has an effect. I mean he was very good with me last night but his own arousal..there was nothing at all..and he was very upset. He says he finds me attractive, sexy etc but his body has other ideas.

Thank you to the men who have replied, its reassuring to know that he's not the only one out there and I think that his health worries are not.

We will look at viagra too, he's quite willing to do that but we will wait for a month or two to see if things improve. In the meantime he will try to see doctor

Sweatybetty. I hope things will improve for you also.