Sexless Marriages!

[LipstickOnYourCollar5]

It seems reading through various threads on Mumsnet, that there are a lot of sexless marriages. Some people stating they haven’t had sex for years, some even 10 years.

Why do people suddenly give up having sex and why do so many settle for sexless marriages? Is it a case of hoping your partner will change, financial implications, if one of the marital partners decides to leave?

For me, I’ve always thought that sex within a marriage/relationship is important, yes you don’t have to have sex every day, you can still be affectionate and share intimacy in other ways but for me, you can’t replace that for sex.

What are everyone’s thoughts and maybe experiences of those who have been in this situation?

I was married in my 20’s and divorced in my 30’s,

The last couple of years were probably pretty sexless, but it’s not a decision you just take one day, the sex just kinda gets pushed out of the way with work worries, money worries, mortgages, relocation, redundancy and all other 101 life events,

weekly becomes fortnightly, and before you know it a month or 2 has gone by and you haven’t DTD,
Once it gets to about 6 months it becomes the elephant in the (bed) room and neither person wants to initiate, and that’s pretty much the end of it.

By any definition I am in a sexless marriage and really don't want to be. Unfortunately the decision was taken unilaterally by my DW and I no longer even try. More than sex I miss the small intimacies in a relationship such as the touch of a hand, a hug or a quick kiss. Why do I stay? Partly financial, partly because there are still (adult) children living at home who I would miss terribly. Mainly I think I am just scared to move out and am not sure I would be very good living on my own. I have tried to talk about these issues but the usual reply is "don't keep going on about it, let's see where we end up".

It's been nearly two years for us. Due almost entirely to my dh's chronic pain condition. I don't want to split up because of that - if it were the other way round I would be very upset if he left me because I couldn't have sex for some reason - but unfortunately things have deteriorated as George describes above, and there's no physical intimacy which is just awful. I miss it so much and don't understand why everything stopped at once. And the emotional intimacy has faded with it. Have recently said to him that things need to change and we need to make more of an effort - even just a five minute conversation each day, but I don't feel like he's even trying to do that, so we may well end up separating.

@GeorgeOhWell - It must be hard without any affection too, would you say it affects your relationship to the point you become more like friends, as opposed to a married couple?

@PaulRevere - I can completely understand in those circumstances but I can also understand the need to still want to be intimate with your partner.

Main reasons are that I do love my DW and it would be financially crippling to do anything else. I'm the sole earner and don't want to give up the house or split our retirement savings. Together we can have a nice house and a comfortable (early) retirement in maybe 5/6 years. Splitting up would see me needing to work for 10-15 years.

I think she would be understanding if I had a FWB arrangement on the side (she was polyamorous when we met) - but given COVID I have not put any effort into exploring that.

@LipstickOnYourCollar5 - more like housemates than friends TBH

@macshoto - am in exactly the same situation financially. Sole earner supporting DW through a degree although she hadn't worked for a number of years before that. Comfortable but loveless life or work until I drop? Despite not wanting to sleep with me DW has made it clear that a FWB situation is not acceptable.

A sexless marriage is a friendship at best. And often not even that. It creates instability in a relationship that fundamentally undermines long term success - basically as soon as a marriage becomes sexless I think the writing is on the wall in the vast majority of cases, though it might take years for the inevitable split to occur

@Guavaf1sh

A sexless marriage is a friendship at best. And often not even that. It creates instability in a relationship that fundamentally undermines long term success - basically as soon as a marriage becomes sexless I think the writing is on the wall in the vast majority of cases, though it might take years for the inevitable split to occur

Absolutely this, once the sex dries up the marriage dynamic changes.

Sometimes I wished I had tried harder in my marriage and done something before the sex dried up.

I am in sexless marriage have been for a while once in the last 3 years and 2 years before that getting to the stage now where want to call it a day trouble is been together a long time mind all over the place

I’ve been married 17 years nearly - now 36 - and DH is 10 years older.
Sex has been hit and miss from very early on. Over 17 years we’ve regularly gone years without sex, we didn’t have sex on our honeymoon. I don’t think we had sex added we got married until we tried for dc1 which was several years later. It’s now been over six years since we last had sex. The trouble is I don’t want to have sex - I can’t imagine ever wanting to with DH. I feel it’s too intimate and weird. We don’t kiss or anything. I would like a sex life but it’s selfish to break up over that imo. It’s just a case of putting up with it.

All relationships slowly deteriorate and when sex stops the deterioration speeds up significantly. If we all had more sex the world would be a far happier place

People often say that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is the glue that holds it together. Once you lose that close bond, problems in the marriage are magnified.
I don't have a sexless marriage (twice a month) but it feels affectionless as apart from the sex there is no physical contact. If I move for a hug or kiss, I get pushed away or she raises her arms in a defensive motion. That is almost as bad as sexless!

@FinnGermey - I agree, for it to work, both parties need to have an understanding of how important sex is within a marriage.
I’m sure there are many men/women who bring up the subject and push for change within a sexless marriage but unless the partner is onboard, there will be very little change, you both need to want it to happen. Also with the added factor the partner will feel unwanted and resentful and that will just lead to a downhill spiral. I’m sure in many cases, this is why so many affairs end up happening, although, not in all cases (I’m not saying I agree with affairs here!)

You’re actually right lipstick. Those threads that are all ‘my partner and I hardly have sex and now I’ve found out they’re having an affair I just can’t believe it’ always strike me as very odd

@Magictoothfairy

I’ve been married 17 years nearly - now 36 - and DH is 10 years older. Sex has been hit and miss from very early on. Over 17 years we’ve regularly gone years without sex, we didn’t have sex on our honeymoon. I don’t think we had sex added we got married until we tried for dc1 which was several years later. It’s now been over six years since we last had sex. The trouble is I don’t want to have sex - I can’t imagine ever wanting to with DH. I feel it’s too intimate and weird. We don’t kiss or anything. I would like a sex life but it’s selfish to break up over that imo. It’s just a case of putting up with it.

So who is the one not wanting sex? Are you both not very interested or is one of you less interested than the other? Is your DH gay but not accepting of it? What's going on?

I suppose it’s mainly me who doesn’t want it, I want it - just not with him.
I was railroaded into the marriage a bit and I think had I been older I wouldn’t have done it, but various circumstances meant I was slightly vulnerable around the time we got together and before I knew it we were married and it was a done deal. 19 to 29 is very different imo looking back.

I've been with my DW for more than 30 years. We have always had an active and fulfilling sex life and still DTD at least once a week. I doubt we would have survived the ups and downs had it not been for our sexual connection. It has certainly been the glue in our relationship.

Well thank you for that Anothernick, very supportive and helpful.

Firstpost666 it’s very difficult knowing when to make that final decision. Have you been able to talk to your spouse about it at all?

Magictoothfairy I don’t think it’s selfish. Are you partly waiting for your child(ren) to grow up do you think?

My youngest is about to finish school and dh just got a substantial inheritance, so I feel like we could split up without too much hassle at the moment, which is making it seem quite appealing!

Paulrevere yeah I have tried over the years but nothing changes at all