Do you discuss previous partners?

[nonflirtinghusband]

Just wondering whether people normally discuss their sexual history with their current partner, or keep it private.
For context, my DH never talks much about his previous girlfriend even when I ask and doesn't seem to be comfortable with me talking about previous sexual experiences with exes.
I feel like my sexual history is part of me and feel a bit weird about it being 'secret' from him. Wondering if I am in the minority.

Bit odd to want to hear about a partners actual sexual experiences tbh.

We, years ago, revealed the number of previous partners but I’d be very put off by someone wanting to know the details.

What DH did and with whom is history as far as I’m concerned. I don’t feel my experiences with previous partners is a secret but it’s private between me and them, in the same way that what DH and myself get up to is private between us.

An ex would sometimes get mentioned in passing, maybe when discussing a holiday destination or something along those lines,
As in I went to Bognor Regis with ex wife and it as lovely/ shit

but no, not sexual experiences

For me (as a man) it’s difficult -yes I’d like to know, no I wouldn’t want to know a partner’s sexual history. And the problem is that once you know you can’t un-know.

Here’s some examples. One partner’s full first sexual experience was as a young teen, when she was raped. The same partner later as a young single adult had an affair with an older, high status, married man and became pregnant. She was white, he was black, living in very white country. She had an abortion.

Another partner, when married and mid-20s, had an affair with a married man. Her comment to me was “I couldn’t help myself, I fell in love”. It ended her marriage. The man’s marriage later ended, not because of the affair with her. He later re-married, and she had another affair with him.

That same partner had a married man who lived overseas and would visit her when travelling on business and stay over. He turned up once when my partner and I were a couple, and she didn’t see him because I was around.

I’m always open about my number of past partners, names and circumstances, but not sexual details. Knowledge can fester. I’m always discreet about what I reveal. Not knowing can’t hurt.

I don't go into loads of detail and neither does he but we have a laugh about some things that have gone wrong during sex with previous partners. For example, he knows I slept with someone with a very small penis and we will sometimes joke about it.

Interesting! Perhaps I am an over-sharer. There is a lot my DH doesn't know about me because he probably wouldn't approve.

I have never been one to share details, or even really general things. Nor have I ever asked about anything because I don't want to be in a position of not being able to un-know something.

My wife on the other hand is very much an over sharer as is her social circle. I have heard and overheard far more than I ever cared to know. Her over sharing got to a point where it almost broke us up right before we got married.

My partner has asked me once if I enjoyed my ex as much i enjoy him which I found touching as he rarely opens up emotions or insecurities to me . I told him the truth which was that I was far more attracted to and pleasured by him .

I haven’t discussed anything with my husband about previous sexual partners and neither has he, I don’t know what either of us would gain from it really. I can maybe understand mentioning that you’ve tried certain things with past partners but generally speaking, I wouldn’t want to know his, or discuss my past experiences.

We do when we are having a particularly intense session. Not in a ‘they were better than you way’ - more so that we are being completely open, and comfortable with each other

I made the mistake of asking my DH once when feeling insecure. He evaded answering yet I insisted, which was a mistake.
He told the truth and now I wish I hadn't, as I now know I'll never measure up and be as good as she was - not in the bedroom anyway.
Lesson learned - don't ask a question unless you are prepared for an answer you might not want to hear. This has stayed with me for years.

I suppose I'm thinking more along the lines of experiences you've had rather than who was better or doing some kind of comparison. Eg have you ever had a one night stand, or had sex in a car, etc.

@nonflirtinghusband

I suppose I'm thinking more along the lines of experiences you've had rather than who was better or doing some kind of comparison. Eg have you ever had a one night stand, or had sex in a car, etc.

Probably still a no from me, growing up in the countryside, I used to have sex in the back of my knackered old chevette as there was no other option really when your Gf lives 5 miles away with no public transport, it’s not fun.

My last partner liked a lot of sex and lots of different things, oral (a lot ), anal, toys, being tied etc, but I wouldn’t mention this to another partner as it feel like some kinda checklist that someone needs to measure up to, if that makes sense

I would never reveal my number of sexual partners, nor would I ever ask anyone their number. But I have had discussions along the lines of ‘have you ever tried x?’ ‘Yes, once, with an ex who was really into it, I didn’t like it though’ or so forth. I don’t see anything wrong with that kind of general discussion, as long as no names being mentioned etc

It entirely depends on the two partners involved. I love to discuss this with partners (or with anyone who is happy to talk about it) because I always find I learn a lot about sex, and I seem to be one of the few women to accept people have lives before meeting me.

Yeah, I had no desire or curiosity to know how much my wife enjoyed being bent over the balcony railing in Las Vegas by her ex husband...

I feel that disclosing my love life with a previous partner is unfair on that other partner. It then means my now partner knows things about them that they may not wish to have shared.
Personally I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what I’ve done and with whom in the past as long as it is legal and consensual.
If I wanted to try something with a current partner then I would suggest it, i would not feel I needed to discuss if I’d done that before.
I would also not want to know things about my partners previous love life as once told they cannot be untold and it may then I view them differently. Is it beneficial to know if they’ve had a one night stand, how would you feel if they’d had two, ten, twenty?
I can see nothing positive to come from this sort of discussion other than potential for hurt, shaming or something to be potentially thrown at someone during and argument.
In the same vein I never understand why people want to know how many previous partners someone has been with, as long as they have a clean Bill of sexual health and they practise safe sex for what purpose is it important.
Someone may have enjoyed lots of different partners in their youth but only had one other for sixteen years. As I said I don’t see who it helps by discussing these things. As you’ve said you discuss a previous partner who has a small penis, how would you feel if you thought he was discussing something like that about you with following partners?

Some do love stories, it can be a form of fetish. Obviously many enjoy reading erotic writing and storytelling can be a real-life parallel that can be very sexy. Some like to get creative and make up fictional stories, too.

Also, there is often an assumption that your OH was having wild, unbridled passionate sex when it might be that the reality was a very sporadic series of mediocre, disappointing partners. That can be a bedroom, and relationship, ego boost.

And there is also the connection that comes from knowing everything about someone, even there deepest secrets. It can help know what you both do and don’t want. Agreed though that there should be a respect for other’s privacy.

The big question is does your partner want to hear? If the answer is honestly “yes” than there is little harm. It might not be for you and your relationship, but that’s true of many indulgences people enjoy together.

Oh and you might want to edit down any hyper-amazing sex you did have in the past.

I really wouldn't go into it. Retrospective jealousy is a really strong feeling, but actually very stupid.

Better not go there. The only thing you need to know about an ex is that they are ex. : )

DP and I have an open relationship. We're very honest about the people we're fucking now so there's no problem talking about people we used to have sex with! 😂

I think you can be accepting of the different dynamics your partner had / has with other lovers without being threatened by that.

DP might comment on how I'm more responsive to g spot stimulation that his other partners. I might tell him that he's not as terrifying as a Dom I play with. In other words, you can compare and contrast the experiences without expressing that any particular one was "better" than the other... they're just "different" experiences because they were with different people.

Why would you do that? To get a better understanding of your partner's wants and desires, what makes them tick, what they've learnt about themselves during their journey. Plus it's sometimes quite a turn on!

@MightyFine79
I am with you on that!

Yes, it's the knowing everything about each other aspect of it I like @MightyFine79. But I think my DH would rather not so I guess I have to keep it to myself!

Dh and I talk very openly about sexual experiences and that was from the very start really, the intimacy of the ability to do that with him and I was immediate. Whereas with my exh and my ex DP before DH I would never have had these conversation and so the relationship probably suffered because of it tbh. It also turns me on quite a bit thinking (not fantasising about to be clear!! just knowing) that DH has had certain sexual encounters and experiences, whilst knowing that he's now with me and in love with me. I don't know why but it makes him more attractive to me to know about his sexual past.

This is one area that really shows just how differently individuals are wired. For some, it is a turn on, an intimacy builder, and for others it is a turn off and intimacy breaker. And depending on the visceral reaction one experiences, they will never truly be able to understand or feel the other.

My wife and I are very different in this regard, and also have very different sexual backgrounds. She is more the type to want to know it all, it excites her, and also gives her feelings of victory and specialness...the whole he's with me now thing. For me, it is almost the exact opposite.

Yes, I don't feel any victory, it's more an appreciation that this man has evolved into the man he now is including his sexual side and we both click so well together, because of our past experiences I suppose. This is not to say we are wildly experimental or anything like that, it's not that.

It's that we have a deeper intimacy for understanding our paths to each other, if that makes sense.

@Gilda152

Yes, I don't feel any victory, it's more an appreciation that this man has evolved into the man he now is including his sexual side and we both click so well together, because of our past experiences I suppose. This is not to say we are wildly experimental or anything like that, it's not that.

It's that we have a deeper intimacy for understanding our paths to each other, if that makes sense.

I get it, but at the same time, don't get it at all...if THAT makes sense :D

Knowing my wife's sexual past has led to a deeper understanding of how she views sex, that is true, but I can't say that has built any intimacy or made me feel any closer to her, rather more like there is nothing particularly special about what we share. I think we work sexually because we are very much on the same page, we just have very different sexual motivations.