@StuckInThisPlace
Hey hey hey ....... just slow down here.
You are in your late thirties, and you are a size 8-10. You're living the dream : )
... Really. I have done the same. Analysed every bit of myself and thought omg this and that and everything isn't perfect. Gone in close with photos to examine my imperfections. But apart from the fact that you are a perfectly fine and good size and age, you need to remember always that:
You aren't disparate constituent parts. You are a whole body and a whole person. With your own special energy.
And, in your case, very important:
You were in a situation for a long time where the feedback about your self, and your body perhaps, was very negative.
And (this is the worst bit) - because you were in a situation where you had to go along with what was effectively non-consensual sex (if we say consensual is where you actually are turned on and want it, not where you just agree to it and don't say no) - then you had to switch off your body.
In order to go through with it, you had to keep your mind alert, and switch your body off.
You are used to being used. (Sorry OP as this will not sound good but) you are used to being used as a receptacle. As an object, a physical thing which can be moved and positioned and manipulated and perhaps shoved and roughly pushed where the other person wanted and needed it. You may have also been forced to cum but by the sounds of it not (if you don't cum now).
Oh just writing this makes me feel v sorry for you and I am sending such a virtual hug to you. X
You have been through one of the most extreme assaults on your person/psyche that there is. And it doesn't have to be dramatic - it can be quiet, in private, in the dark, every night, and cumulative. Chronic erosion of you. Of your free will. Of your understanding that you even have free will, and a right to prioritise your own feelings and pleasure.
There are so many lovely men who would not even understand what it is to do this to another person. You need and will find one like that - a real person.
In practical terms:
Can you orgasm on your own?
Do you masturbate?
Do you have fantasies?
Your sexual ego sounds very down. : (
You need cheering up, big time. It might take the first encounter or so to just gently shove you out into the sunshine.
BUT. I think that hook-ups with strangers may not be the way to go. You might feel huge pressure to perform, and look perfect (which you do). And the person won't be emotionally invested and attached to you - he will presumably be polite enough, but it could be a situation where you bare your soul and they just say ok thanks bye. Which won't help you as you are at the moment.
I think the one nice person is who you need. And honestly although you don't want to go on about what's happened, they might need at some point to know about it, so they can get where your insecurities come from (layered over with the natural insecurities we all have).
All bodies are perfectly imperfect. Ok some might be super hard/toned/young/etc. - but that doesn't really mean anything. I had a literal god fuck me. He was better than photoshopped, and in real life. Like a work of art, one might think from the outside. But he was coercive and cruel and to me a cardboard cut-out with no intrinsic attraction at all. He could not believe that I didn't want him. He was outraged. Didn't believe it. But I didn't. He was actually repellent to me. I'm like omg, do you honestly, honestly think that having a good body is going to make me want you? Is that all you've got? You need so much more if you want me.
Real people, the ones you need to be around, don't just look at the outside of you. Your body is an expression of you, the person. If they love you, they love your body. OK we can refine ourselves, but the core energy and person is always the same. And anyhow your body sounds great so you really have nothing to worry about! : )
Shaving/waxing the most delicate and precious area of your body? .... where does that pressure/idea come from? Yes, as you've found - it's actually quite nice when just done but then hairs start growing back, etc, and it can be really uncomfortable. Why would you want to, even? Because you're worried a guy will not like your hair, will find your scent too strong maybe, will get hairs in their mouth, will just hate it? You need a guy who loves that, loves you. Embraces you in every way.
Don't fall into the trap of compromising yourself here. You need to be brave and just reveal yourself as you are. Obviously clean and looked after etc. But not hung up over every perceived imperfection and trying to second guess what the other person wants.
Have you ever been in a situation with a guy you love and noticed how sort of from one remove you think hmm yes that bit of him isn't perfect but omg that makes me love him even more?
I don't think just women do that.
Don't worry.