Lack of intimacy is getting me down....

[Kataly29]

I've been with my OH 2 years..I am 43 he is 47. I've got 3 kids all at home (10,18,21) so alone time is limited and he works shifts meaning only 1 week out of 3 we go to bed together which I think has made the situation worse. Basically we rarely have sex...when we met he was super keen and very into it and we were very experimental you might say but that honeymoon phase was over quite quickly....I don't know why? Don't get me wrong when we do have sex it's very good it's just not happening very often...we can easily go 4 weeks without. Its like he has no interest in that department and I have become to lose self confidence...well quite alot really to the point it's making me down and paranoid and insecure. I get that his shifts and just life in general has taken its toll and finding that we are knackered most days and sleeping is more important. I have tried talking to him but he takes it as an insult and instantly gets his back up thinking I'm comparing to past relationships....which I'm not. I'd just like more sex. Its like the only times we ever are intimate sexually now is when I've brought it up...and that upsets me and has started to have the opposite effect now that I try not to bring it up because I don't want to have sex just because I have...and so I just get wound up and frustrated. He is a very loving man and I dont miss out on affection at all....he is super loving and caring....just not sexually. Its only been 2 years...and this has been an issue for about 18 months. He does suffer from premature ejaculation at times but I've never made an issue of this and our sex life sort of works around this...but I do think it gets to him and he puts it off and we get into this cycle. I just crave intimacy with him and I miss it. I dont know what to do??

You're in a tough place. If he's still loving and supportive theres still hope.
The best tool I've learned from couples therapy is curiosity. If he's not motivated to have sex, make it your job to find out why in a non confrontational, supportive way that focuses on making you both happy because happy people have good sex.

Which part do you actually miss, the sex (actual intercourse ), the closeness it brings or the feelings of being desired and wanted by someone, or all 3

I posted this list on another thread. It's a list of reasons why I've gone off sex at various times.

• medication
• physical and / or emotional exhaustion
• DW and I had a fight
• depression
• stress at work
• bored with sex with DW
• something I'd rather do in evening
• other priorities taking up energy, e.g kids
• want time to myself

Take your pick. I mention it because porn often gets brought up as a reason. I reckon that porn is more likely to become a problem among men when sex has gone off the boil for some other reason.

To be perfectly honest @JustAnotherOldMan I miss all 3....the actual lack of sex is a big thing but I miss being wanted by him and the closeness it brings...I see difference between us in the days after we do...when we don't for weeks it's like we drift away from each other x

@Blokenamechangesexboard I'd say tiredness and work/life stress play a big part and like I mentioned he does suffer sometimes with premature ejaculation...not every time and he has bought tablets for this but he has told me in the past that he feels like he's a failure and so puts it off. Porn is a subject that's been brought up...hes always been honest with me and I know porn played a big part in his past and I've confronted him and asked if he's using that instead of me so to speak and he sais no...Im not saying he never does watch it but not to any level that would have this much effect on us...he wouldn't have the time to by himself.

I hear what you say about shifts, that’s a killer for sure, been there.

Not really sure what you do to help other than be there for each other, try a quick kiss a d cuddle as you cross paths,
I assume you know his shift patterns, so could you try a little gently sexting as his day shifts are due to ensure his ‘up for it’ (no pun intended)

@JustAnotherOldMan yeah his shifts are pretty set and regular...and as for sexting we used to do alot of that and now the way things have become I just don't feel confident to do so and the same as dressing up in sexy underwear and initiating...my confidence has just plummeted and that's hard to just get back and I feel so down by all of it. We kiss alot and we are always very tactile as in cuddles etc it just never goes any further and It's always the furthest thing from his mind...so it seems. I have gotten to the point that "I miss me" and how I used to be and feel as much as I miss having a healthy sex life. I have quite a high sex drive I'd happily have sex every day if it were on offer...but his has always been lower so in the beginning couple of times a week was fine...but now I am just so fed up x

That sounds tough, when I worked shifts it was
6 till 2, 2 till 10 & 10 till 6; 4 days on 3 days off did that for 3 years in my 20’s that was enough for me..bloody knackered

I no real advice other then stick with it and look for any time time to havw sen and don’t let the rejection get you down too much