Felt pressured into unprotected sex annoyed at myself..

[Failing366]

So after seeing a new guy for a while we've started having sex, the first 3 times protection was used, last night we'd had sex once using protection but a short while later things heated up again and he obviously wanted to have sex again but we were out of condoms, I said I didnt want to without protection as I'd only recently started on the pill, yesterday was day 7 so I knew that was risky as well as being worried about std's, anyway we carried on for a bit, heavy foreplay, he made me come a few times and was very into having sex without a condom, saying he was clean and had never had any std's, anyway in the end I agreed, in that moment I did want too, have to say I didn't really enjoy it and was about to tell him I wanted to stop as he came, the first thing he said to me was 'you really wasn't sure about that was you' and I said no I wasn't, things were a bit awkward with him saying he felt bad and me reassuring him it was ok, I absolutely consented but I just felt a bit pressured by him but I did want to, I also feel upset the he instantly knew I didn't really enjoy it..

I just feel a bit pathetic that I got in that situation, I just always seem to put everyone else first and not stand up for myself, I'm annoyed at myself that I wasn't firmer and now things are just awkward with the new guy, I don't even know what to say to him... And I'm freaking out about only being on the pill for 7 days, I started taking it before my period so it isn't straight away protection, I am 10 days after ovulation so I think I'm ok pregnancy wise but I just feel worried about that, std's and just even how to live forward with this guy, I just feel I've shown myself so little respect and just did something because someone's else wanted to..

I hope you had a good wash afterwards, swilling it all out. I doubt you will be pregnant so no point worrying until you have cause to be worried but don't take any more risks. Buy some spermicidal pessaries as an extra precaution.

Why could not have had non-penetrative sex? Plenty of people do and enjoy it.

Bloke here. Not sure what to advise....if you are still seeing your new man then one...get a stash of condoms in. He should be the one to supply but if you have a few in case of emergency then there is no excuse. Two....have the conversation "no condom equals no sex". He should understand and respect that without question. If not I'd be seriously asking if he is suitable. Three...what happened happened and there is not much can be done to change it. Being in the moment brings its own pressures. Really he should have resisted intercourse but there we are...if he is Mr right agree boundaries, don't beat yourself up and move forward together but make sure you communicate with each other when it comes to intimacy and agree on boundaries that cannot be crossed...

This happened to me once, new fwb was trying to persuade me to have sex with no condom. He was telling me he 100% had no STIs etc and it would be fine. I said to him, well how do you know i don't have one? And why do you trust I'm on contraception? We don't know each other! I could be lying. Why don't you want to protect yourself? Safe to say it killed the mood, and we stopped seeing each other. I find it a big turn off when the guy is trying to talk you out of safe sex. I also think if that's what he's like, he's probably persuaded the last women (or women) he's slept with to not use condoms, which makes his risk of having an sti even higher.

Woman or women i mean :)

@jessstan2

I hope you had a good wash afterwards, swilling it all out. I doubt you will be pregnant so no point worrying until you have cause to be worried but don't take any more risks. Buy some spermicidal pessaries as an extra precaution.

Why could not have had non-penetrative sex? Plenty of people do and enjoy it.

Swilling it out ? 😂 Does that protect against pregnancy or STIs ?

Well, you can't undo what's happened. Would suggest a STI test just in case.

The bloke sounds like a bit of a knob. But if you really like him perhaps give him another chance. If he does it again, ditch him.

Go and get the morning after pill asap.

Please also develop sone boundaries, its perfectly acceptable to say no to unprotected sex.

@jessstan2

I hope you had a good wash afterwards, swilling it all out. I doubt you will be pregnant so no point worrying until you have cause to be worried but don't take any more risks. Buy some spermicidal pessaries as an extra precaution.

Why could not have had non-penetrative sex? Plenty of people do and enjoy it.

This is perhaps some of the worst advice that I've ever read on Mumsnet!

It certainly helps, JSL, but the op is unlikely to be pregnant from what she says. This wasn't the first time with boyfriend, she says she's been with him a while and she's had no previous worries about catching anything from him.

I think he has let you down badly and this would be a total deal breaker for me. I’d be off!! There are plenty of people who would treat you with more respect on a one off!

And please disregard any comments about washing afterwards etc.

Sexual health is important. I Unashamedly buy condoms from the supermarket with my groceries. I keep a well maintained supply in my bedside drawer and always carry some in my makeup bag/handbag. And I’ve been called names because of this! Bring on the name calling! Condoms are more than just a male thing.

@Failing366 - No one should be convincing you to have unprotected sex, regardless of what's going on in the moment.

Consider a morning after pill.

So, he ran out of condoms - boo hoo. He needs to be better prepared.

Like @StarlightLady (Hi Star! (waves) ), I have a stock in my bedside table, and carry some around - ok, they haven't been used for some time , so I need to check the dates (yes, they do go off!), but I have them.

If the situation arose where I was in the moment, but had no protection, and neither did she, then I'd suggest other ways to, er, deal with things - no way would I go "bareback" unless we had discussed and agreed on it in calmer times.

Ignore guys who say it "feels different" or anything similar - the guy you are with should respect your body, and your wishes - if they don't, it's time to move on!

@StarlightLady - You’ve been called names for carrying and keeping condoms?
Sexual health is a must, especially since STD’s are on the rise, also there is a risk of pregnancy, even contraception isn’t full proof, I fell pregnant after having a coil for nearly 3 years.

Safe sex is so so important, it is your duty to protect yourself. He should respect you, he sounds like a knob

the first thing he said to me was 'you really wasn't sure about that was you' and I said no I wasn't, things were a bit awkward with him saying he felt bad and me reassuring him it was ok, I absolutely consented but I just felt a bit pressured by him but I did want to, I also feel upset the he instantly knew I didn't really enjoy it.

Would you carry on having sex with a man who obviously “wasn’t really sure about it”? Then he emotionally manipulated you into apologising to him. So many red flags here - I would run a mile and get an STD check ASAP.

@StarlightLady In my single days I started off just expecting the guy to have condoms, but after a couple of occasions when they didn't (and when I made it VERY clear they weren't going inside me without one) I started carrying my own. I'd still just let the guy use his own if he produced one, but there were occasions when a guy was condomless when I was really glad that I was able to offer mine and have sex. Got a few surprised looks and 'good girl guide' once, but no nasty names, not to my face anyway. I'd advise any woman who's dating to carry her own protection, just in case.

@Annwen - Exactly. Smart women carry condoms! 💐

...the first thing he said to me was 'you really wasn't sure about that was you'

Apart from the already discussed risks, his grammar would put me off.

Please get support in real life. You can contact rape crisis or women's aid. Pressurised consent is not consent, consent is something which should be given freely. He raped you. And he knows it. I'm sorry, please get help and support. It's not your fault and it's a very confusing situation as you feel like you gave your consent, but you didn't. Don't carry on seeing a man like this, it's not healthy

He raped you.

He did not. Read the OP's post & don't bandy something so serious around.

@EarringsandLipstick

He raped you.

He did not. Read the OP's post & don't bandy something so serious around.

You must have read a different OP to me then. Coercing or pressuring consent from someone is not consent. Most sexual assaults that happen occur in this exactly this “grey area” where there’s plausible deniability.

Use whatever term you want, it’s not acceptable behaviour and he can’t say he was unaware that she wasn’t into it - he acknowledged this immediately, after he was finished of course. Disgusting behaviour but all too common.

@EarringsandLipstick how can you know what was in his mind? It sounds as though he knew that she had doubts even as he pumped away and came.

OP ultimately, you said yes and I think that was your decision, but what he said gives you an insight into how his mind works.

how can you know what was in his mind?

How can you?

OP said this:

anyway in the end I agreed, in that moment I did want too,

No, it wasn't a respectful sexual encounter, he put her under pressure, none of this is acceptable.

It wasn't rape. It was unpleasant and wrong on his part, and immature on OP's.

It diminishes what rape is to call every unpleasant incidence of sex, rape.

@EarringsandLipstick

how can you know what was in his mind?

How can you?

I think my post explained it pretty well.

More needs to be done around educating people around sexual coercion. Unpleasant incident is minimising. The answer isn't for women to carry condoms to avoid sexual assault either.