Non existent sex life

[Sadgirl23]

I've NC'd for this as I am absolutely mortified about the sorry state of our sex life and cannot bring myself to talk about this with anyone IRL. I am at my wits end, and am feeling very sorry for myself, so please bear with me.

Been with DP for seven years and at the start we had a normal sex life, but over the years, sex has dwindled to the point where we are not even necessarily intimate every year, although on average I'd say we have sex 2-3 times a year.

On the rare occasions we do have sex, there is no passion or excitement and is ways exactly the same. We undress ourselves, he works on getting an erection, I bend over, job done (sorry if TMI). Although it seems that now even this is too difficult for DP as he has has started having trouble keeping his erection. He seems to be lasting longer than usual and goes at it until he eventually goes soft, at which point he takes himself off to the bathroom to "sort himself out". Its mortifying for me. The only time we have had any success recently is when the lights were out and we had sex in the dark.

I am beginning to think I am the problem as after a long chat, DP went to the Dr who ruled out erectile dysfunction as he has no problem masturbating at all, which I know he does. He has also started sleeping in the spare bedroom as he comes to bed much later than me and doesn't want to disturb me. I know deep down this isn't helping matters.

DP has claimed he finds me atrractive and still loves me. We have talked a lot and he says its not me but doesnt elaborate further. My self esteem is in tatters and I'm so so sad about the mess we are in. We are very affectionate and cuddly and are so happy together aside from this. I really want to make this work and so would be grateful if anyone has any advice or who has worked through something similar. Apologies for the long post, I just needed to get it all out. Xx

How miserable for you. So you think you can put up with this indefinitely?
There will lots of reasons why he doesn’t want sex with you. Does he know how unhappy you are?
In your position, after this amount of time, I would consider ending things.

Oh gosh sadgirl this actually has tears spurting into my eyes.

I am so sorry for you and no no this isn't good. As you know and that's why you're here asking us.

Hmmmmmmm. My initial shot would be: he's dealing with his sexual drive himself - he's watching porn, probably. Also hence this 'coming to bed late', etc. bollocks. And/or he's avoiding the stressful situation of being in bed with you and not having sex with you.

He's gone to ground.

And you are left forlorn.

It's horrid for you. And he's just like an old dog wanting his basket and no hassle. Honestly, this can happen to men. They get comfy. You become home. Then you aren't compatible with an erection. : ((

How to fix it? Well. Let's look at the very good stuff you've got ,which is difficult to get again without a whole load of stress, anxiety, failed attempts and risk: a nice warm loving person who shares a home and life with you and hugs you.

What do you not have? Hot sex.

Tbh... I think the sex is easier to get than the hugs. And the hugs are super important. I would actually forgo sex for hugs (but maybe that's just me - I'm super tactile).

So in your situation, given how affectionate and close your relationship is, I would say you need to try to be inventive and active and work on things. This may mean going to a counsellor. This may mean PM-ing me and getting some serious advice. You love each other, you want to be together, you are physically close to each other. It's not a big step to getting back into real intimacy. I'm sure with a bit of help you can sort this out.

There's so much that can be done, but the main hurdle is accepting that something does have to be done. (We are not talking hard stuff here - we are talking finding half an hour and starting by just stroking each other's eyebrows - really - this is about simple reconnecting).

It's all possible.

Actually yes- I bet it’s porn use😢

Thanks both for your input. I must admit, I had naively never given porn a second thought. I think I'm going to check the laptop history and go from there xx

I may be missing something but it sounds like neither of you are putting in effort. You 'bend over' and it's done? Why are you just doing that?

@withmycoffeewithmycoffee I think it would be more helpful to ask what happened to make the sex life dwindle.
OP were you initiating and being turned down? Did you stop feeling like having sex? Were there big stressors in both of your lives?

I’m in the same position. (Ha, I wish!)

We haven’t had sex or any intimate touching in 6 months. I can count on one hand how many times we had it last year.
Been together 7 years, married 2.

we go bed at the same time etc so no idea when he would get time to watch porn, although he probably does.

I feel so unloved and unattractive. He’s such a good husband and dad though and I know I would never do better than him in what he provides for us etc but I’m so fed up. I want to be wanted.

We’ve spoken (or should I say tried!), he says he has no confidence and hates his body. He does have low confidence but I try and reassure him that I fancy him lots.

The thing is though, he tries it on when he’s asleep! Like he could be snoring, I turn over and he starts touching me up. The min I touch him (he’s not erect!) he wakes up and rolls over! If I don’t touch him he gives up after a few seconds.. it’s so strange!

@Sadgirl23 , that sounds terrible for you, I did reply on your other thread.
I think you need to press reset on your sex life, try to go to bed together (the same bed), and try to get used to “togetherness” again, and stop feeling sorry for yourself and take your sex life in hand (no pun intended), as sounds like your stuck in a rut

Thanks everyone for your replies.

At the start everything was amazing, as it should be. DP then started withdrawing from me and seemed to lose interest in sex. I initiated a lot and got turned down. He initially said it was stress at work, however, the problem has gotten worse since he moved to a job he is much happier in, so his excuse doesnt ring true. We have talked about it and he says things will improve but nothing changes.

I did manage to have a look at his laptop this afternoon and as previous posters suggest, porn did feature heavily on the history. Mostly when I am in bed, but sometimes first thing in the morning too.

I am at a loss as I really do love him, and he says he loves me. I know I need to speak to him about the porn, but part of me knows he'll try and brush it off. Do I raise it with him? Or should I let it go as his masturbation isn't really my business? I'm so confused

@Thedarksideofthemoon30 sorry to hear you are in a similar position. Its horrible isnt it? X

It is your business if it is affecting your relationship to this extent . Def talk to him .

@Sadgirl23 - I couldn’t be with a man who had a preference of porn over sex. I think you need to give him an ultimatum.

If his use of porn is affecting your sex life / relationship then you certainly can talk to him about it,
I would go with a direct but non confrontational approach, something along the lines of
“I couldn’t help but notice you have using porn, rather than having sex, can we talk about this please , and go form there,
Could be he has performance issues p, body issues, embarrassment issues, or may he’s gay if it’s gay porn - only he will know don’t let him brush you off and have the laptop ready if he denies it

I personally don't think porn is a big issue. But, as others have said, if he's actually choosing it over you than it is. Maybe address it with him from that angle so he's clear you arent being all preachy about porn per se (which is probably what he would first expect and would make him defensive), just that you want to understand why he's choosing that over to you and how to change that...otherwise you won't be continuing to play second best.

If he's choosing to wank to porn rather than make the effort with you, then maybe you're the problem - he's doesn't find the prospect of sex with you as attractive as knocking one out over some fantasy woman.

@Crepescular

If he's choosing to wank to porn rather than make the effort with you, then maybe you're the problem - he's doesn't find the prospect of sex with you as attractive as knocking one out over some fantasy woman.

That’s a disgusting thing to say. You should be ashamed. Are you bored or something?

@Sadgirl23

Thanks everyone for your replies.

At the start everything was amazing, as it should be. DP then started withdrawing from me and seemed to lose interest in sex. I initiated a lot and got turned down. He initially said it was stress at work, however, the problem has gotten worse since he moved to a job he is much happier in, so his excuse doesnt ring true. We have talked about it and he says things will improve but nothing changes.

I did manage to have a look at his laptop this afternoon and as previous posters suggest, porn did feature heavily on the history. Mostly when I am in bed, but sometimes first thing in the morning too.

I am at a loss as I really do love him, and he says he loves me. I know I need to speak to him about the porn, but part of me knows he'll try and brush it off. Do I raise it with him? Or should I let it go as his masturbation isn't really my business? I'm so confused

I've been in a very similar position to you and I can't promise you a panacea. We''ve been though several marriage / relationship counsellors / sex therapists and this is my take.

1. DO NOT tell your DP that you've been snooping through his browser history. IT WILL NOT HELP. The fact that you have done so shows that you don't trust him, and being confronted by something that he felt the need to hide from you (although not very well) could make things worse. It might make it better, but if you want to repair your situation, you're better starting from a point of trust.

2. Irrespective of your opinion on porn (love it or hate - it is your choice, and nobody else has a right to judge you for that) don't assume porn is the route of the problem. It is just as likely a symptom, and focussing on the porn will not address the problem. Also, don't judge your DP for it without understanding what's really going on.

3. Don't blame yourself. I totally understand what this sort of situation can do to your self esteem, but you have said nothing here to suggest there's anything wrong with you.

4. ED notwithstanding, don't assume there's anything wrong with your DP either. You're not in a good place as a couple, but that's a place to start finding solutions, not apportioning blame.

5. Communicate! Choose your moment sensitively, and sit him down and tell him your worried. Over supper is not a bad time, as you'd be sitting down together anyway, and he won't feel cornered. Don't start by telling him you're feeling crap about yourself, or that his ED is an issue. but rather ask him how he feels about your sex life and whether he would like it to be better. Contrary to what the world tells us, men are just as likely to have fears, shame, and insecurity about sex as women, and men are told they shouldn't be any of these things, so it is easy for them to feel threatened about their masculinity.

6. Once the two of you have started to engage in conversation, GET HELP.
   Most of us wouldn't ask an accountant why your car keeps stalling. Sex therapists are unshockable. compassionate, experienced, impartial, and actively want you to have good sex by helping you identify the real problems, and helping you find solutions.

7. As for finding a sex therapist, look for one that will talk to you and your DP both separately and together. You might not need it, but it might help, and a lot of sex therapists won't do it. (If they say they're not allowed to because of confidentiality, its BS!) And start by looking for sex positive therapists who belong to COSRT.

I wish you the best of luck. We all deserve a healthy sex life.

Doesn't matter how much you love each other op if nothing changes.

I'm also with my partner 7 years, sex life was great, lots of it but not anymore. I've tried to bring it up lol, but nothing changes.

We had sex twice in January and once in March. Used to bed a week went by, then two then it got to a month and for the first time it's got to 2 months. When we had sex in March he was spooning me, basically woke up, fumbled at my leggings and did it from behind, took about 3 minutes. Fuck that. He can roll his own from now on.

I feel like we have become friends now and I No longer look at him as a sexual partner.

I can't remember the last time he had sex with me facing me. It killed my confidence, killed it dead.

I'm a fairly attractive woman and get lots of attention.

I've distanced myself from him and not much has changed.

@MyBug that poster has it spot on with that comment!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, you have given me lots to think about. Have been a bit quiet for a few days as both me and DP have been quite ill with tummy bugs.

Porn really isnt an issue for me, I'd never given it much thought, the only thing that upset me was kind of like the realisation that he does have a sex drive, but doesn't want sex with me. I had another look at the search history earlier on and I was shocked to see adultwork on the history. I am being totally naive to think this could be a pop-up or given our situation, does anyone think its likely escorts are playing a part in this 😭

To make it clear, sex hasnt always been like this, it used to be frequent and adventurous. It was DP who suddenly changed. I assumed it was a temporary blip when he was suffering with stress. I never envisaged our sex life becoming what it is now. Thanks for everyones posts so far, it really is appreciated xx

(I predict your DP is about to get flamed on this thread.)
It's possible he's seeing escorts, or it's possible he's just window shopping.
All you know at the moment is that he's interested in sex.
If you want answers, stop snooping and start talking.

I am going to try and talk to him in a few days time when we are both well. DP is particularly unwell at the moment with this horrendous stomach bug we've had, so will attempt another conversation then. I will use the next few days to think in the meantime and prepare what to say. Thank you for all your advice and support, it's helped massively x

and I was shocked to see adultwork on the history. I am being totally naive to think this could be a pop-up or given our situation, does anyone think its likely escorts are playing a part in this

Tbh, every other possible cause is irrelevant if he's been seeing sex workers. You will have to get an answer out of him about this first.