Non existent sex life

[DaisyDoll778]

I've NC'd for this as I am absolutely mortified at the state of our sex life and I cannot bring myself to talk to anyone about this IRL.

Been with DP seven years and at the start had a normal sex life. As the years have gone on, sex has dwindled to the point where we are not even necessarily intimate every year, although I suppose, on average, we have sex 2-3 times a year.

On the rare occasions we do have sex, there is no passion or excitement and is always the same routine. We undress ourselves and he works on getting an erection, I bend over, job done (sorry if TMI). Although recently, even this has become too much for DP as he has started to frequently lose his erection. He seems to be lasting longer than usual and goes at it until he eventually goes soft, and at this point he goes to the bathroom to sort himself out. The only time we have any success is if we have sex in the dark, all lights out.

We have talked about this and DP agreed to see his Dr. The Dr has ruled out ED as he has no issue at all when he masturbates, which I know he does. I now think that the problem must be me and my self esteem is in tatters. DP assures me that this is not the case and that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. We are affectionate and cuddle loads and are so happy in every other way so I really want to try and make this work. DP has recently taken to sleeping in the spare bedroom as he comes to bed loads later than me and doesnt want to wake me. I am worried this is making things worse.

I apologise for the long post, has anyone else been through anything similar? I am desperate to make this work and fix things. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Xxx

First of all he needs to stop the masturbation. Second stop any expectation of sex...go back to basic, cuddle etc and perhaps graduate to massage.

Raise your own self confidence...some nice lingerie that you feel comfy and sexy in and stop both getting undressed...try undressing each other and spend time on foreplay.

You need to start really wanting each other and not seeing it as a functional performance

I’m sorry that this is happening for you @DaisyDoll778. I think @Namechanged1010 is right in that you almost need a “reset” but you both probably need to sit down & discuss things. On the positive side, your OH has been checked & erectile dysfunction has been ruled out & he is still getting erections when he masturbates. Instead of him going to the bathroom to finish off, could he stay in bed with you & you help him with that? I do think we are programmed to think that sex is based all around PIV but are there other things that you can both do together that you enjoy? It sounds like you need to work on getting the desire back into your relationship where you tease/talk/text each other through the day about what you might want to do later. Personally I feel desire is a big part of sex and it makes a huge difference in terms of what you end up doing.
On another note, I would actively try to avoid the coming to bed at different times & having the separate beds if you are trying to work on this. Both of these factors reduce the chances of getting your sex life back on track and it’s easy for divisions to start in this way.
Finally, does sex always have to happen in the bedroom for you? If you were to stay downstairs at night time & approach him there, would that change things? Explain/ show him what you want in terms of foreplay & ask him what he wants. Does he have any fantasies, do you? Good luck OP.

Sounds like you have both turned sex into something to be endured rather then enjoyed.
As others suggest, stop intercourse as that’s clearly causing an issue, how about trying some mutual massage, and general touching.
Also go to bed at the same time and sleep in the bed and get used to having some non sex “togetherness” again