Date night?.... 😣

[Workinghardeveryday]

We have been together 13 years, 3 kids. Sex used to be very regular, always once a day up until about 5 years ago. Now it’s dwindled off to a quickie once a fortnight.
Every Friday night we have date night. Before Covid we always went out for a meal, now we have a meal at home at the table - candles, music etc. In all that time either going out or staying in have we never had sex!!!
Forgive me but surely date night is one of the times you would have sex?!!
Tonight after we ate I had to watch crap videos of ‘funny/silly things’ from his fb. Why would I want to do that on date night? I spend all week alone during the day. It’s nice to just chat about stuff.
Then as every other night I have come to bed alone because he isn’t ready to go to bed yet. Look at the time for goodness sake.
Maybe I should give up on ever having more than a quickie once a fortnight!!

I think he's gone into sleep mode.

He indeed just can't be arsed.

Horrid for you. Unfortunately, it is quite common with men, and even more so with women. It's a kind of slump where all the excitement and drive has gone. What's the point of another orgasm? He can't be bothered.

The sex in a relationship does very often need working at to keep alive. Because if you take someone for granted, it's easy (for some) to just get complacent then give up.

Does he orgasm on his own? Is he taking care of it himself? Watching porn? Or just pretty much totally stopped?

If he's dealing with himself separately on his own, you can use that as a way back in. Try to jump on the back of that wave as it were.

Otherwise (and anyhow), it's chat time. The problem with desire, though, is that it's a bit of a magical and fragile thing, and doesn't always respond very well to being told how it should behave, or that it should exist.

Start with checking his underpants for dry semen. ...

The only person who can help you change this is your DP/DH and you need to talk to him (and not creepily check his underpants for signs of masturbation -ew).

@Parkerwhereareyou
Thank you, I do agree he can’t be bothered!! I know he ‘sorts himself out’ a couple of times a week and I really hope not with porn. We had a huge falling out a couple of years ago about it and he promised he would never do it again.
I am just so fed up of being lonely! We get on well most of the time and he is very very lovely dovey, txts all day saying how in love with me he is etc. But sex.... when we do it it has to be quick because of the kids, 15 minutes start to finish including foreplay. I just think if he came to bed a couple of times a week we could do it the if we were very quiet!!
@Eleganz
thank you also. We have talked for hours in the past about it and it has made no difference. He ended up telling me about August time I was too thin and would look better with weight on, so I put a stone on which yes I probably look better for but makes me miserable and feeling even more less confident!

Eleganz: (and not creepily check his underpants for signs of masturbation -ew)

Not a very helpful comment?! Obviously (or I guess not) I made that comment in a slightly jokey way. But at the same time, now I'll defend it - if you are the one doing the washing, sometimes (whether you like it, or not) you'll notice what is in his underwear!! Anyhow, each to his own. I didn't mean it 'creepily', I was just lightly referring the fact that in trying to get the guy ejaculating into his wife, we might start by establishing whether he is ejaculating at all. Whether his sex drive is still there, the need to masturbate, but just side-tracked.

We are all just trying to help the OP here. If she could have sorted it out on her own just with him, she wouldn't have come on here asking for support and any helpful ideas about how she might go about making it better.

OP: feeling sexually forlorn, not touched, not embraced, and tbh let's say it, not fucked, is a sad feeling. It will deplete your confidence, and your happiness, your energy, everything. As you are feeling. So just to say yes, I'm certain you are right - positive, physical, sexual energy-exchange with your husband is crucial. Essential.

It's a pity he's not taking this properly on board. Maybe you should try talking again? Because there are only two further alternatives to that. Live sadly. Or find some other outlet or connection for that energy. Neither of which I imagine appeal, but you are going to be vulnerable certainly to the second - if a sexy guy came along, you might find him hard to resist (I'm not saying you would, but it's how a lot of affairs etc. happen - the neglected wife).

So talk to him. Even if you only let him know you'd be so turned on to see him please himself. (OK, that's my opinion ladies - please don't shoot me down for it!!)(just for clarity: I mean this as a way in to the OP being involved with her husband sexually, and then of course gradually to progress to him turning his now stoked-up attentions to her!)

Or make it super clear: you need to start trying, and taking this seriously, or I will fall out of love with you and run off with someone else and our lives will be ruined. ? It's a thought. I don't know you/him. It would work on some guys.

Sorry, OP.

@Parkerwhereareyou
Thank you for your post and advice and sorry for the delayed response.

I will try to talk again about it, he’s so defensive if we talk about sex unless it’s 100% positive! Then on the rare occasions we do do it he will loose it and then tell me it’s performance anxiety because of our conversation!!

I never say anything negative about the actual sex itself, only the amount of times we do it! He is the most sensitive person I have ever met though. Always have to be very careful how things are worded with him!!

We did end up doing it yesterday and it was good, then he ended up coming before me, apologised but never considered offering to ‘sort me out’. Can you imagine if that was the other way around!!

Hi OP, thx and actually I think there's some definitely progress possible here! So, here's some more thoughts that I hope might be of help:

I will try to talk again about it, he’s so defensive if we talk about sex unless it’s 100% positive! Then on the rare occasions we do do it he will loose it and then tell me it’s performance anxiety because of our conversation!!

Performance anxiety is pretty much certain to stop him dead in his tracks when he even thinks about having sex with you. It is a very real thing and can have a catastrophic effect on confidence about initiating and going through having sex with you. It needs to be taken super seriously.

The good news is, it can usually be fixed with a bit of time and patience, and understanding that the anxiety isn't a rejection of you - quite the opposite. You turn him on so much that he can't hold back. And it's a vicious circle. The less often he has sex with you, the more quickly he is likely to skip to the Happy Ending. ... Then he feels like a loser, bad lover, that he's let you down, that you hate him for not waiting, etc etc. He feels like one big sexual failure, and that is not at all the way you want him to be feeling. Not just because that's v sad for him, but also because it has a knock-on effect for you - he will avoid sex with you like the plague.

Which is what he's been doing. But he can't always hold out, sometimes his desire to try and make it ok and to love you gets the better of him. So he tries again:

We did end up doing it yesterday and it was good, then he ended up coming before me, apologised but never considered offering to ‘sort me out’.

... and he fails you again. He buries his head in the sand and pretends sex doesn't exist. Or not with you, anyhow, the live person next to him, all deflated and maybe quite cross and a bit tearful as she has to just make do with cuddling up to his back and then maybe giving herself pleasure while he dozes off. And probably to a fantasy of him lasting longer and being the guy you fell in love with.

So. This is all fixable, OP. : D

You need to see this as a moment, I think, where you are taking the reins a bit. I know that he could have felt responsibility for you too, not left you on your own with your desire, make an effort, etc. But think about it like this - the fact that he came before you when he didn't want to, made him feel bad - he said sorry for having an orgasm. Think. Do you want him to say sorry for having an orgasm with you? Do you want him to feel bad about that? Ashamed? Because let's face it, this is what it is - he feels ashamed. That he couldn't hold on and satisfy you.

If you have to not have an orgasm, or do it yourself, for a few weeks or months or however long it takes, then it will be worth it, to get him back in synch with you and feeling confident again.

I think the best way to dissolve his anxiety is to try to remove the obligation to last long enough to make you orgasm. Two basic choices:

1. While he is aroused, before he is inside you or too near you, say maybe the focus can be on you. Point him somehow in the right direction. Tease him but don't let him have sex with you. Tease him enough that he feels involved, but don't go so far that he is in danger of exploding, shall we say. Touch him a little bit, perhaps suck him or lick him a little bit (sorry if too much technical info! - just ideas!) ... but only enough to tantalise him. And instead, get him to focus that desire on you. And make you cum. Then - let him do whatever he likes, and orgasm absolutely as quickly as he likes. Even tell him that you WANT him to cum as quickly as possible (it is quite a turn-on, I have to say - but I need to calm down and focus on my writing, here! : )

2. Decide you actually aren't going to have an orgasm at all. Tell him you don't want one ... you just want to focus on him. Take all the pressure off entirely. Tell him how much you love him, love his body, love his ahem etc. and show him that love. Let him lie still and stroke and massage and kiss him all over. And keep teasing him but not letting him get too close to orgasm. Do this for however long you like ... it is actually very rewarding and a real turn-on to give like this ... well, I like it. And I'm sure he will! ... Basically, commandeer his body. Take charge of how he feels every warm touch from you. And take his yes cock as if you own it and make it cum when you want it to.

It might take a few gos to really feel this and see how nice it is, but I reckon if you have a try a few times, he should hopefully be eager for it and once a fortnight will not do ...

You both need to start enjoying sex again. Enjoying each other. Relaxing. He's so uptight and you feel so lost. So you take charge for a bit and try those ideas above. Don't feel sad when he doesn't make you cum because that wasn't the plan: you are deciding when you cum, and when he does. Just until he feels gradually more confident. Then he can start properly joining in.

Also, if he cums once, it doesn't mean to say he can't again. Maybe you need also to try to carve out some clear longer time for this. Look upon it as time well-spent on amateur sexual therapy!! (I'm a total amateur, by the way! Just saying what I think could work - take off the pressure, reassure him he's loved and you're happy and have all the time in the world).

Some MNetters may now say I'm a total idiot and that he's a selfish bastard and to chuck his things out in the rain in dustbin bags, and/or have an affair with the plumber, but ... I think this is all about communication between you two, but not talking - it's about the sexual feedback. He needs to know you still love and want him, even if he cums so quickly (because he likes you so much). See it as a compliment ... and take charge for a bit.

Hope that helps!

Ps a note on terminology:

I'm never quite sure how I feel about the word 'cum'.
If I write 'come', it makes me feel a bit too good.
If I write 'cum', it makes me feel a bit too bad.
And the technical term 'orgasm' is a bit clinical.

So ... please excuse any expressions that you don't like, but hopefully the message above is good! : )

I’m sorry but I disagree strongly with the previous poster. A man who genuinely feels bad that he finished too soon, or guilty that he hasn’t given you an orgasm, doesn’t turn on the emotional blackmail - they get to work finishing the job. Then there’s nothing to feel bad about, is there?

Premature ejaculation is no reason a woman should have to forego orgasms. They don’t require a penis, they require listening and effort, effort that he doesn’t want to put in. What could possibly give him more confidence sexually than actually pleasing his wife?