The problem with having been tainted by the foul behaviour of someone else is just that. You feel tainted.
You know he's the vile one. This is his toxicity. But as you say, he's off laughing in the sunshine and you're all broken in a corner, crying and feeling dirty, still remembering how he might have been 'good looking', 'hot', had a great body and a flashy smile and been seen as something cool by the outside world, but actually he took the piss with that and used it to hurt you in one of the worst ways possible.
Whether he was ostensibly attractive or not, I'm sure he was the ugliest and most bestial creature on earth while he was hurting and forcing you, and his lust stank.
And that's just it. Now he's gliding around his jolly life, being successful and smug and happy and knowing he's got away with it. Maybe pretending it never happened. Or maybe still wanking over it.
I'm so sorry, love. What happened was atrocious. But there are some ways to make you feel better. And part of that way may be to take him down. Or it may be to decide not to go through the exposure and hate from him that will generate, but just to get some counselling for healing and cleansing yourself.
To help more will probably need some more details. Like how long ago this happened, what happened, how it was dealt with at the time.
You know, my love, that whatever he did to your body (and soul) is in the past. Even your cells will have regenerated by now. You need to wash this injury away.
I'm guessing it must hang over you psychologically when you now think of sex with others. I hope there was no permanent physical consequence/scarring.
So well done for asking for help here. I'm sure there will be a lot of people with very good, kind and practical advice.
Mine is:
It was not your fault.
There's no defence against straight abuse.
It's over now.
He's the plagued one.
You're completely clean and free.
This can only continue to hurt you if you give it oxygen. Cut off the supply (which will need help and advice from others on the most effective way to do this).
Do not let yourself suffer any more.
Allow others to know and possibly for him to be brought to account for his behaviour.
💐