Libido disappeared after giving birth!

[VapeVamp12]

I am really hoping to get some advice, I hope someone has been through something similar!

Been with DH 8 years, married for 2.5.

The last time we had sex was when I was about 7 months pregnant (Sept 2019).

Since having the baby, I literally have no sex drive. If anything, the thought of it makes me feel uncomfortable.

My husband has mentioned it a few times over the last few months and I'm starting to worry i'm just becoming a cliche of the sexless marriage. I just don't feel like it.

Previously we always had a good sex life. Now I feel it's been so long that it's been made into more a thing. I feel more nervous now than when I lost my virginity.

Does anyone have any advice to get my sex drive going again? I think about it a lot and feel guilty towards my husband now because we haven't done it for so long.

I think you just have to get on with it and have sex.

You may have hang-ups because of the kind of weird new feeling of actually having had a baby come out of you. It can make you feel a bit like the A1 - two-way traffic ... it's something you have to get your head around.

You may be scared. If you had a scary delivery, your brain is like whoah hold on no waaaaaaaay are we risking that again.

You might feel the virgin birth complex. Basically hard to reconcile your mother-self/breastfeeding/baby kind of owning your body with being sexual.

Or maybe you're just generally scared. Either way, you need to get back in the saddle.

Start with something simple. Start giving yourself an orgasm every day. If possible, do it while lying next to your husband.

After a few days, I reckon that should do the trick. You'll get back into it.

Sex needs to happen every day to self-perpetuate. It is really bad for you just to give up. The more orgasms you have, the more you will want. In the nicest possible way - get on with it : )

I think you need to talk but urgently try and get back into it...otherwise your relationship will eventually be one of friends and not husband and wife

A lot of people lose libido after having a baby but it does generally come back. I hope yours does, be gentle with each other.

I have really struggled with libido since having my kids. Mine are nearly 6 and 2.5yo. I really don't enjoy it on the whole especially as my hubby has no idea how to initiate it and just expects sex immediately. Out of the blue. If you can, try to get more sexual with him but don't put pressure on actually doing it, just trying cuddling and kissing, then taking more clothes off, ease in if need be.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Parker your comment "get back in the saddle" made me laugh! I really do though.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to try and talk to him about it later and then try and be more intimate.

Parkerwhereareyou's advice was spot on.

I'd also recommended some racy fiction (not Fifty Shades stuff) just some good old romantic smut that gets you in the right head space and puts you in the mood! It's amazing how much that can help your libido!

Hi

I don’t really get aroused anymore either (3 years post) and tbh I think it’s because of weak muscle from delivery.

The tighter your vagina is the more blood flow and stimulation you get. Some people say kegels help.

Thanks Cinderella

I ended up having a emergency C section so fortunately my vagina was fairly unscathed!

One thing Parker said above made me think as well, even though I am back on the contraceptive injection I am actually terrified of getting pregnant again, so some of my fear might be from that as well.

@Mapletreelane I have some Nancy Friday books somewhere so I'll try that too!

I emphatically disagree with the previous comments - if you do not have any libido, do not make yourself have sex. It’s absolutely awful and will do more harm than good. It’s very different from being too knackered / can’t be bothered but being fine with it if it starts. If you genuinely have no sex drive, don’t force yourself.

I have mostly had a completely absent sex drive for over ten years now thanks to side effects of a hormonal treatment I was on a long time ago, but this side effect never went away. Seems to be hormonal imbalance as it sometimes comes back mid cycle, but then disappears again. When it comes back we have amazing sex, but when I tried to make myself do it in the early days it affected me mentally really badly. When my libido is gone, sex isn’t just something I’m not in the mood for - it’s actually something I can’t do.

This is a common issue after you give birth and is a natural, evolutionary response. Doesn’t happen to everyone but does to many. Breastfeeding can exacerbate this. For me I breastfed until about six months, and by 10 or 11 months my drive was back to being on and off as it was before.

Try not to panic, pregnancy and breastfeeding cause extreme hormonal changes and this sort of thing happens to many of us, even without the additional issues I have. Just give it some time.

You mention you’re on Depo provera - for me, progesterone massively exacerbates loss of sex drive. If you’re not breastfeeding you might do better on a combined pill. If you are then just hold on, it will get better.