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Guilt about wanking and porn

20 replies

Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 08:44

I am a woman. I am worried that I am wanking too much. Well it's not how much really but it's that I've started watching porn. I have a loving partner and our sex life has actually improved a lot since I have been doing this. But I feel very guilty. He doesn't have any interest in porn.
Also the porn that I watch is only lesbian porn, mostly I think it's because I don't like the violence when men are in it.

Is this all sorts of fucked up?

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xpc316e · 18/03/2021 09:02

I would say that if you like it, if it has had a beneficial effect on your sex life, and your partner has no issue with it then what is the problem?

Your sexuality and situation are unique to you. If you are happy with things, and there are no negative consequences for anyone else, then just enjoy what you are doing without any guilt.

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Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 09:28

Thanks for the reply. I think it's because if he knew he might feel gutted. I masturbate at least once a day. Is that normal?
I wouldn't say he has no issue with it because he doesn't know. It feels like a betrayal but I feel like I don't know how to stop. I've tried making a resolution to stop but I break it after a few days.

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Parkerwhereareyou · 18/03/2021 10:30

Once a day?!!! That is on the light side ; )

FFS. Our bodies are made to be happy! Personally I think there should be an orgasm on waking, one on going to sleep, and one or two in the middle if time/work/etc. allows. It's so good for you and do NOT ever EVER feel guilty for loving to feel pleasure!

Victorians even had clinics for this ...

Come on. It's OK. Sometimes I've felt I'd like porn with men only because I don't like looking at women, I like looking at men. I'd prefer porn from the female POV, where you only see the man! Why the hell would I want to look at a woman with her legs open? I'd rather be trying to focus on something entirely different ... (crikey, it's 10:26 - might need to go and lie down soon ... this WFH is great : D) (joking, joking!)

No, once a day is not a sex addict.
Yes, it's good to have sex/feel pleasure.

My only note of advice would be:

I think you feel bad not because of the orgasms, but because it's looking at women on women porn that is getting you there.

It's very very possible to get addicted to porn and you probably would be better weaning yourself off it.

Some arousal feels bad because you don't like being turned on by that. It sounds like that's how you feel here. So just lie back, no porn, and fantasise about something you're happy about liking.

Just try it. Maybe you do indeed need to go cold turkey on the girl porn. Because you don't feel good about this.

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PinotPony · 18/03/2021 11:26

Masturbating once a day, or more, is perfectly "normal" and nothing to feel guilty about. It's certainly not a betrayal.

If you and your partner have a good relationship and a fulfilling sex life, then it's not an issue. If you feel like you're somehow hiding it from him, then just tell him! I'd be surprised if he thought you never wanked. Surely he dies too, even if he has no interest in porn..?

As far as the porn goes, some people will tell you that porn is vile and disgusting. Personally, I think it is fine but I tend to seek out ethical porn rather than the free sites like Pornhub. If watching women gets you off, then that's just how your mind works. Go with it, you're not hurting anyone.

I get the impression from your post that you might be questioning you're sexuality because you're watching lesbian porn. Is that why you're feeling bad about it..?

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PinotPony · 18/03/2021 11:27

*your sexuality 🙄

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Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 11:47

Thanks both of you. Yes perhaps the guilt lies with the type of porn but also just the watching of porn. I guess I have issues with porn and feel like a hypocrite.
I don't think the amount of wanking is a problem now, you've made me feel more normal about that! and he knows that I wank! I did tell him I occasionally watched porn but certainly not the genre and how frequently, he's be shocked.
We have been together for twenty years and I have no plans to leave him. Is it okay to often think about women when we have sex? I do find him sexually attractive and we have good sex, he's very attentive.

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Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 11:49

I'm probably bisexual rather than disliking the violence then perhaps. Or could it just be a fantasy thing that I'd hate in reality?? Oh well I'll never know!

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GentlemanJay · 18/03/2021 11:49

Violence?

I've never seen that type of porn in my life?

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Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 12:09

Is that a joke? Perhaps you'd refer to it as rough sex. I'm uncomfortable with all the strangling, slapping, degrading positions etc. Also the women don't seem to get much pleasure in the ones with men in, they're just using the women whereas when it's two woman they look like they're enjoying it and get actual clitoral stimulation. Perhaps you can tell me how to find ones that aren't what I'd call violent, I watch some and think it's okay then he will start slapping her breasts or something and it's horrible.
Anyway I think as PP said I should stop it with the porn.

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Violentfairy · 18/03/2021 12:18

Perhaps you were taking the piss out of me?

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Parkerwhereareyou · 18/03/2021 13:18

VFairy there is definitely heterosexual porn which is in no way at all violent. I don't think anyone's taking the p

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nonflirtinghusband · 18/03/2021 15:44

@Violentfairy I also wank daily - it's good for you!
I only started watching porn during the first lockdown but I like bellesa.co for more female-friendly porn.

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GeorgeOhWell · 18/03/2021 21:07

For female focussed porn have a look at XConfessions or FrolicMe. Both have a something for all tastes. XConfessions is a crowd funded site that makes erotic films based on personal confessions. More alt. lifestyle than a lot of "female friendly" websites.
The situation sounds perfectly healthy and nothing to feel guilty about. And your partner is benefitting as well.
Sounds like a win for both of you 👍

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PinotPony · 18/03/2021 21:11

Yes, it's ok to think about women whilst having sex with him. As long as you're actually present in the moment with him sometimes too!

I understand your point about "violence" towards women. Increasingly, mainstream porn seems to focus on choking, slapping and other acts that look like male aggression. Simple answer is to avoid it. There's lots of female friendly porn out there if you look for it.

Perhaps you're bi-curious.... but I wouldn't try to give it a label. If you decide later that you'd like to explore that side of your sexuality, then that's a conversation to have openly with your DH.

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Wherearemymarbles · 18/03/2021 21:40

problem with lesbian porn at lot of the women arnt lesbians or even bi so that would be a problem.

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DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/03/2021 20:13

There's nothing wrong with watching porn if it's decent, consensual porn. Have you looked up MLNP? I haven't joined but someone on here recommended it and it looks great.

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Bubbletea50 · 20/03/2021 21:20

I too love masturbation and porn, but to a wider set of niches than you. I long ago stopped worrying about trying to be guilty about it and just think of it as part of my body upkeep.

I sometimes read erotic fiction and imagine myself as different genders, or get off from different points of view. So what you describe to me as thinking about women when with your DH is totally fine for me.

You imply you are both committed to each other and that's all that matters.



But be honest with yourself. Sex is very powerful. If you find yourself fantasizing about women you know, your inner sexual primal self is telling you something.

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Parkerwhereareyou · 20/03/2021 21:31

I long ago stopped worrying about trying to be guilty about it and just think of it as part of my body upkeep.

Love this, Bubbletea. Yes, agree. And that so long as partners are committed to each other then anything they choose to do is immaterial.

But OP clearly feels bad about it, so she should just stop it, and focus on real sex with her partner, in my opinion.

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EarthSight · 21/03/2021 21:30

@GentlemanJay

Violence?

I've never seen that type of porn in my life?

@gentlemanJay

Do you smoke crack usually or is this just a one off?

I mean, what planet are you living on? Porn websites are full of violent porn. Rough anal, choking, gagging, hard slapping.....that's not violent? Then there's the videos that are titled with 'fucking slut' 'whore' (wow sexy). Porn that doesn't include that is either amateur or in the minority on most of the large websites.
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GentlemanJay · 21/03/2021 21:41

As I said. I've never watched that type of thing in my life. Others may have but not me. My taste is different.

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