Tips for orgasm with new partner

[ElusiveBigO]

I’m early 50s and once lockdown rules allow am about to embark on sexual relationship with much younger guy. Not that that’s really relevant but I’m excited about it!

My problem is I’ve never orgasmed with a partner and I really really want to. Am out of a long marriage that was sexless for the last decade. Pre lockdown had sexual relationship with someone else which was lovely and enjoyable but I never had an orgasm.

I’ve never been able to make myself cum with fingers, it’s always with a toy. I also need to be watching porn or looking at erotic images these days.

Anyone ever been like this and overcome this issue? I guess I’m thinking in terms of unlearning my habits in the time I have before it’s going to be possible to have sex with new partner. The way he describes making love to me is beautiful and he clearly knows what he’s doing and is very focussed on my pleasure. But there in lies pressure. I don’t want to disappoint him.

Any tips gratefully received. I know I need to not put too much pressure on myself. I’m even thinking of hypnosis! That’ll be an interesting appointment

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If I were you I would not over think.....he obviously wants to make love...he won't be disappointed!....hopefully he will be as good in reality as he is on paper....relax....go with the flow....take things gently....most importantly....talk to him about what turns you on....listen to him about what turns him on....communication is everything when it comes to love making and sex...good luck...

I feel like we communicate brilliantly already in terms of what we each like. The messaging between us is incredibly detailed and really arouses me. But even when we’re in the middle of that end I’m totally tuned into him I still can’t get there till after with my usual toy and visuals! Feels a bit like the female equivalent of the male death grip often talked about on these boards.

Without being graphic it will be very different when he's there for real....real skin....real voice. Real lips...Real hands. Real fingers....real man...I'd imagine you will be just fine....even if the first time nerves get the better of you if the moment is right nature will sort things the next time...just relax

@ElusiveBigO it sounds like you are totally on the right track with your new man. A big part of sex is desire and anticipation and it already sounds like you have got that part sorted.

I think your concerns are totally understandable, given the experiences that you’ve had in a long term sexless relationship. This possibly explains why using a sex toy & porn work for you too and that’s great. At least you know what does work and there’s no shame in having an orgasm in this way. Would you consider taking both of these to your new relationship? Your new man might find these really exciting too.

I also agree with @Sparkybloke in that you might have a totally amazing experience in real life with your new man. It’s sounds like the desire is definitely there and you sound to be on the same page as him. There are lots of positives here in that you know what does work for you so I wouldn’t overthink the death grip thing. Don’t let that turn into a thing. The desire & feelings that you have for this new guy plus his “skills & abilities” when you get together could be enough all combined to bring about the orgasms that you want.

You mentioned hypnosis so you are obviously opened minded & willing to look for help with this, which is great. Have you come across the work of Dr Karen Gurney? I’ve recently seen her content on Instagram- she is @thesexdoctor She works privately & in the NHS as a Clinical Psychologist/Psychosexologist. She seems to speak a lot of sense & explains things in a really down to earth way. She does Q&As plus IG tv things where she talks about orgasms, desire, erections, sex drive, sex toys & porn. She’s a big advocate of all of them!

Good luck @ElusiveBigO. Let us know how you get on. Exciting times ahead for you 😁

OP, this is about you. If it turns out the best way forward is to introduce him to your toy, go for that option. And show Mr Newman exactly what you need. If you go for this option, it usually works best if someone holds you while you “drive”.

Finally, good luck and let us know how you get on. Few people ever do. 💥

Thank you for your lovely comments and encouragement. I guess the thing for me is wanting to switch from being able only to orgasm with my toy to being able to through other means. I was massively attracted and fancied the other guy but could just never get there. I’ve also not been honest with him about this and I’m not going to say anything unless I feel I need to. I don’t want to make it a thing in his head too.

I’ll look up Dr Gurney thanks for that recommendation.

And I did use my toy with the other guy too but to no avail.

Don't overthink it. Maybe in time you will. Maybe not. Enjoy your journey.

Sounds like a mental block when with another person, maybe unpick that with some counseling, as your past experiences may be having an impact.

@Opentooffers

Sounds like a mental block when with another person, maybe unpick that with some counseling, as your past experiences may be having an impact.

Yep I think it's a mental block. Well, it is - because you can physically orgasm. So it's all mental.

You need to remove the burden of having to orgasm. Remove the obligation. Remove the self-consciousness with another person.

You've been neglected and you've retreated and found that the only person you can trust enough to be totally relaxed with is yourself.

I feel like you're going to have to open up to him about this in order to get there. To let another person direct you to orgasm involves letting go. You have to let them take charge and take over. OK it helps if they're good at it. But as you no doubt know, if you're excited enough mentally then a feather duster would be enough physical stimulation. So it IS in the mind to start with.

Maybe start by imagining a scenario where this guy brings you to orgasm.

Imagine it a lot. Get used to the idea.

This is a new person, a new connection, a new world. Forget the bollocks of the past and just give yourself a chance. And him. You have to trust him. With yourself. It's the only way.

I was in a very similar situation with a new partner a few year ago (we are still together and so he's not new anymore ) and it took me a long while to be able to let go properly and enjoy our sex to the point of orgasm. The pressure of the big O was killing it. I still can't get there myself without a vibrator but am working on it.

What helped for me was:

1. Loads of foreplay (as in, a couple of hours. Think 8 course banquet not KFC)
2. Being blindfolded (this helped me to not worry about what he was thinking/doing/looking at and allowed me just to "feel" everything without my brain analysing it all)
3. Endless patience from him (he's a keeper, obvs)
4. Communication x 1000 (we'd already worked out what we both liked but needed to give it time to work)
5. His creativity (he's utterly filthy and very open to trying lots of things)
6. Backing off from my use of porn and vibrators for a while (say 3 months. I think I had female death grip too) It made everything more sensitive and bloody hell I was horny
7. Feeling safe and knowing that there was absolutely no judgement (no pressure, whatever happened happened and I trust him 100%)

I found that what really gets me there is having so much going on below the waist that I can't tell what it is he's doing- uber stimulation I suppose. So anal/vaginal/clitoral stimulation all at once after a long build up of foreplay hits all the spots. I have never orgasmed with a partner before and so when it happened with him (I was 43) I cried, the endorphins and relief and excitement were just monumental. Although I'm not sure who was more chuffed, him or me .

The most important thing though on the list was the last one. Being able to be open and honest about what I liked and not feel like I was weird for the first time in my life (think he was partner no.20) made all the difference.

Good luck, hopefully he will be one of the good eggs who truly wants to take time to learn how you work and not just be blinded by the filthy chat beforehand 😁.

@ArwenTheGreat @Parkerwhereareyou
Thank you so much for your replies. I’d missed them till now. I came back to this thread because I’d worked myself into such a state about this issue over the past couple of days that I’ve even been thinking of not moving things on to the next level with him. The fear of disappointing him is huge.

I’m an idiot but I’ve already told him I’ve cum a couple of times during sexting sessions when I haven’t so I’m compounding the problem.

I can’t decide whether to come clean about it now or whether just to go for it and discuss it with him if it doesn’t happen naturally. I don’t want to create an issue but it also feels like a ‘design flaw’ that I need to tell him about. He’s such a sensual person and my pleasure seems to be his main focus, the biggest thing that does it for him.

Some great advice in there thank you and I think I will lay off the vibes and the porn for a while. Keeping on with that is only compounding the issue. Feels like I’ve wired myself to only cum one way

I think I will lay off the vibes and the porn for a while. Keeping on with that is only compounding the issue. Feels like I’ve wired myself to only cum one way
Oh, sorry OP. Glad we are helping a bit. Yes lay right off that stuff.

The problem is that it's so intense, and gives such an uncontrollable result. Kind of dependable, but also mechanical. Switches are flicked, muscles spasm (including the brain).

Look, you're also scaring yourself here - you are worried now too that you can only orgasm with batteries/a screen.

I think you should do three things:
Totally ban the porn and toys.
Contemplate the wilderness for a bit and then realise you do still have a body and it does actually work with just your imagination and your fingers. And probably even better with his fingers, if he's good at it.
And start talking to him.

I know you'll feel pressure to be turned on and to orgasm in eg the texting. But honestly, I don't think it's a good path and you need to stop that too, right away. Tell him you need to go really very slowly and need to make sure your psyche and body don't get detached ... the whole of you needs to be on board.

Tell him. Tell him you're anxious about meeting. If he is in this with you, you need to start by giving him a chance to help you come to him. We all get scared or put off some time. If you don't let him know, cliche but he can't help you.

And yes, you are taking a risk: he might not know what to do. It might be bad. BUT, your only chance of relaxing enough to get turned on enough to finally have an orgasm in the presence of someone else is to ... open up. In more ways than one.

Personally I would be telling him straight up that you're so anxious about it and hmm what can he do to help?

Could be amazing. But you are going to have to trust.

Oh and by the way, very many of us I think are a little bit worried about the fragility of orgasm ... of it happening or not happening ... but he might be an amazing lover and you might have the decision taken out of your hands. Live in hope : )

Thanks @Parkerwhereareyou you talk a lot of sense. And calm me down. I think I will broach it at some point. Get it off my back so I can just look forward without fear!

OP, this sounds like a psychological block to me - one thing about the female orgasm, the harder you focus on it, the more elusive it becomes.

If I were you, I would sign up to OMGYes and experiment with new ways of touching yourself. Bin off the porn for sure (it does nothing good for our brains, and is so heightened that it makes actual sex less arousing) and put the toys away for a bit. Try out new things with no expectation of orgasm. Practice a lot of edging and enjoy the anticipation. If you find things that work for you, you can share them with him. I thought I had pretty spectacular orgasms before, but I’ve learnt a lot from this site and it has definitely improved my sex life

If you desperately need a toy, try a womaniser - extremely intense but doesn’t seem to lead to the same kind of desensitisation.

Be upfront with him. Tell him you’ve never had an orgasm with a partner - he should be excited by the challenge and also there’ll be no expectation on you to finish. Do not fake it! Slippery slope.