Feeling fat, frumpy and unattractive

[sandwiches77]

DH and I have been together 30 years, each others first sexual partner. I am fast approaching 50, feeling fat, frumpy and unattractive. Feeling like we are heading for separate rooms as hardly ever have sex. When we do, it has always been the same, me on top, all over in a few minutes. I very rarely have an orgasm. DH does sometimes suffer with erectile dysfunction too.

Help, is the end of the road

OK, let's look at the positives: you are still having sex, so it isn't as though you have to relight the fire. The ember are still glowing, so the task is not as tough as it could be.

I think that you need to find yourself attractive before you can expect other people to want you. Your self-image needs to be worked on, and you must stop thinking of yourself as fat, frumpy, & fifty. Being attractive is mostly about what goes on in your head.

To give you an example, I can tell you about one of my most exciting lovers who was frankly clinically obese, even morbidly so. She was very body-confident, and incredibly sexy. If we were to spend an evening together there would be teasing texts all day, and I'd be greeted by her wearing nothing more than a dressing gown over a freshly showered, sweet-smelling body. We had immense fun in the bedroom, and I think that you need to think about how wonderful sex can be even if there are some extra pounds.

This is a job for a team and both of you must work together. Get his ED sorted. Does he tell you that he still finds you attractive? Does your marriage work well outside the bedroom? Do you actually know what turns each other on? There are so many aspects to this that need to be investigated, and I think we need more detail about what your relationship is like.

My body image definitely needs working on, even after this amount of time together I still can't comprend how DH can find me attractive let alone have sex with me. I just look in the mirror and see a whale. Trying to lose weight but not succeeding which makes me feel more fat and frumpy.

On the positive, watched Bridgerton on Netflix as I thought it was just going to be like Sense and Sensibility, oh my, watching that really turned me on Told DH and ignited the ember...

Happily married, works well outside of the bedroom

How do get his ED sorted? How do I feel more body confident? How do we get back in the saddle!?

Has your partner seen his GP about his ED? There are some health conditions that can lead to ED and they ought to be ruled out before doing anything else. I have been a Viagra user for years, and it works well for me, even if it is sometimes tiresome to have to take it on a stomach that is empty. Viagra is now available over the counter, but as it lowers blood pressure that needs to be checked before using it. If your partner's BP is already low, then Viagra can reduce it to a level whereby that becomes a problem.

Once you get the ED sorted then your partner is going to feel a lot better about himself and that can only lead to more, and better sex. That in turn will make you feel a lot better about your own self. Invest in some good sex toys if you don't have any. You need to have top-quality orgasms on a regular basis and a vibrator is a real help. You can both use it in foreplay; you can use it on your own. You need to take charge of your orgasms.

As to how to change your body confidence, well it is sort of chicken and egg really. You first have to tell yourself that you are still desirable. When you feel more desirable, you behave more desirably, that gets results in how you perceive yourself, and that in turn makes you feel more desirable. It is a kind of circular effect, and probably the exact opposite to the circular feelings that led you to where you now are. You gained some weight, felt fat & frumpy, acted fat & frumpy, got the feedback from feeling fat & frumpy, and that resulted in you feeling more fat & frumpy. Am I right? I am no therapist, but you have to break that cycle. Could you both do with some weight loss? If so, then work as a supportive team. Success in one area leads to gains in others, and you can soon see improvements. Pamper yourself. Pamper yourselves. Cook decent food and make meals at home an enjoyable event. There is no need to go to fancy restaurants to feel good. Make date nights to rekindle your relationship and invest time in each other. If you have pastimes that the other is not involved in, then do them so that when you are together you feel good about how you spend your time.

Visit the site I mention below and complete the questionnaire to find out more about what your partner might like to try. You could very easily surprise each other with what you might want.

old.mojoupgrade.com/

It is free to use, and is cleverly designed to avoid your partner thinking 'you'd like to try x,y, & z - how gross.'

Best wishes.

You are definitely right, thank you. I have tried every diet under the sun, but the key to the problem is body image, and because I'm not losing weight feel even worse about myself and so the cycle goes on.

I shall suggest vigara to DH, I think he will be willing to give it a try.

Forgot to say, bought naughty lingerie online yesterday... Hoping that will also help

I don’t see a problem with approach 50, I’m 51 & hopefully my sex life is not over yet, “fat & frumpy “ is how you see yourself, what does your husband think?
If you’re still having sex, then you are in a better place than lots of other people on this forum.
What do you think you actually want from your sex life, better sex, more sex, more regularly sex etc, also I assume your husband is 50ish, & not 25 anymore so he’s probably not up for twice a night any longer
If you want more regular sex then you may need to initiate it more often, if you’re husband has ED, then vigara as pp suggested might help
Maybe ask your husband to give you a bit of a spank, or try a toy to help yourself orgasm, sounds like you just need a bit of a helping hand (no pun intended) to get things moving along again

Yep, definitely see myself as fat and frumpy.

Just feel sex has got a bit stale and not that frequent... so more sex and better sex, but kinda difficult when I feel like a beached whale

And yes DH in his 50s too

Not sure about spanking, I'm not that adventurous do have toys though

@sandwiches77 "Not sure about spanking, I'm not that adventurous do have toys though "

Lol...it is probably a quick jump to go there. I only tried it....you watched Bridgerton,I read 50 shades and joked with DH I found it rather exciting and one night after a few drinks he playfully smacked my bum. I showed I rather liked it and he gradually tried a few things. Him seeing me enjoying what he did to me and encouraging him helped massively. He graduated to tying me to the bed...that was exciting

I've not read/watched 50 shades I didn't realise Bridgerton had so much sex, I thought it was going to be like Sense and Sensibility lol! Perhaps I shall watch 50 shades with DH

Do t be fooled...Bridgerton is a much better watch than 50 shades. Apparently they want more sex in the next series of Bridgerton😆😆

I read 50 shades but yes if you want to open your mind a bit in a fun way watching something like that together can be fun. When we tried a few things I found the helplessness of occasions very erotic when combined with him getting the confidence to talk a bit dirty to me.

Go for it

Ohhh can't wait for the second series then - had a talk with DH last night, he revealed that he has body issues too. He does have a bit of a belly but one of the things I love

@sandwiches77
Sounds like a good talk then
Bit of Bridgeton on the telly, glass or 2 of something and see what happens

It was a good talk, should have been more open ages ago.

@xpc316e I’ve considered doing the quiz before but terrified it will find us totally incompatible what kinds of things does it ask you about? what’s happens at the end- do you only get told about the things you both agree/share? X

Lifeispassingby, it is cleverly done and you answer the questions separately, in private. The questions are about a myriad of sexual practices and you can say there is no way you would do that, or that you'd absolutely love to try that, with other options in between the two extremes.

Your answers are collated and you only get to see the things that you'd either both be willing to try, or would dearly love to have a go at. If there was something perhaps that was a no-go area for you, but your partner would really like to do then neither of you gets to see how the other responded on that subject. That means that there can be no recriminations as a result of being entirely honest. The test can be done on one computer, or on two and then have the matching areas emailed to you.

Here are some of the topics on the first page:
have longer teasing and foreplay sessions with partner
give partner a sensual massage
have partner give me a sensual massage
take pictures of partner
have pictures taken by partner
take pictures of us having sex
strip or give a lap dance to partner
have partner strip or give me a lap dance
film ourselves having sex
use mirrors while having sex
wake partner up with sex or oral sex
be woken up with sex or oral sex by partner
watch partner masturbate
be watched by partner while I masturbate
shave partner
be shaven by partner
shave each other
watch porn together
show partner how I like something from porn scene
be shown what partner likes from porn

The topics are either basic, or advanced, and cover almost everything you can think of. I reckon that i would be fun to do the test now, explore for a few months, and return to do it again to see whether your horizons have become broader.

xpc316e pleased to report things have improved DH doesn't what has hit him!! Working on the body confidence and pampering, bought a load of naughty and everyday but still sexy lingerie and binned all my M&S big pants (think Bridget Jones). Limited budget, but what else do you suggest?

sandwiches77, that is so nice to hear. I would say that for the biggest results one does not need to spend any money at all; the best gains come from improved body confidence and one's general attitude. It sounds as though you have taken a turn for the better in those areas, so a huge well done to you. Confidence breeds even more confidence, so don't let it drop.

The lingerie sounds like a great start; us men are usually very visual creatures, so nice underwear can work wonders. I'd continue to work on the confidence by perhaps sending him some suggestive texts about what you would like to do to him (or want him to do to you). Having received such messages in the past, I can certainly say they work for me.

Have fun.