Very unadventurous partner, what to do?

[CorsetLaces]

I got together with my ten years older husband when I was just 18. Both of us have never slept with anyone else.
I am quite a gregarious person and I want to spice up our sex life (currently missionary once a week, same routine every time, nice but... fairly dull). Spoke to him earlier about the possibility of doing other things, role play, toys, sex clubs (which I knew would be pushing it), dressing up, etc. He outright refused any of it. I feel disappointed and frankly bored. Anyone have any ideas on how to spice things up or what to do?!

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How old are you both now?

That's pretty selfish of him to just refuse point blank to try anything new, especially if you clearly stated that you find your current sex life lacking.

Would he be more amenable to something like the Monogamy board game..? Could be a way to inject a bit of fun into things without being too intimidating.

39 and 49.

Not heard of Monogamy, can't see him playing it but I'll take a look.

Wow. This is going to sound harsh and I don't mean it personally but having spent 10 years with my ex whom never made me orgasm and wasn't up for much, you need to get out there and explore. I've since had partners that have blown my mind! Was a wake up call. I guess it depends where you put sex on the relationship scale.

@CorsetLaces
Well to be fair you have made some fairly innocuous suggestions and he isn't interested. The only other option is to try some low level things without asking him and see how he reacts, for example some more risqué lingerie, ie open fronted knix etc? If he got into it then you could move on and try a vibe etc?

In reality it is difficult as neither of you have any other experience...so 10 years in it isn't easy to start trying different things, but it isn't too late.

I'm glad my first bf was a little older than me and very experienced. Not only was first time good, he taught me lots🥴🥴

I am in a similar position but haven't braved telling my DH yet. I have hinted at other things - he knows I have vibrators, etc but doesn't show a glimmer of interest. I asked him to hold my wrists down once and he did it but never again afterwards. I have had previous boyfriends who were much more adventurous so I know how good it can be and it's all very frustrating! I'm not quite sure how I ended up in this position but when I was younger I don't think sex seemed quite such a big deal when I was head over heels in love.

As I have quite only posted on here I am on the other side of the bed so to speak and can quite honestly say it’s no fun either.

My suggestion would be speak it out (I did and was shot down but at least I know where I stand) failing that look at was to gain your own satisfaction

If you husbands have not been with many other people, they simply might not know what to do or be a bit intimidated/ scared as don’t have that level of experience to understand what you are asking

It wasn’t until I was in my mid 40s that I meet, a much more experienced partner who showed what sex could really be like.

So if want to try something different or your get your partner to do something different, you will probably have to be quite specific as to what you want, we don’t pick up on subtle hints very well

So if want someone to spank you or hold your wrists or if you want go on top or whatever, you will probably have to ask in reasonably direct terms, but in small steps, but you may have to keep repeating the request to enforce the behaviour change

From my experience people are either interested in an adventurous sex life or they are not.

For those that are not they are not prepared to even try.

Stalemate.

Completely see your point. Bad sex is the worst.

However, I think it probably isn’t nice to have the pressure put on them to do anything sexually they don’t want to do or don’t feel comfortable with.

I would talk it out, either on your own or with a sex therapist, but if your partner isn’t keen to change you probably ought to just drop it and reside to a poor sex life or leave.

If someone was making me partake in things I told them I didn’t want to I would feel pretty rubbish.

Do you watch a lot of prom OP? One partner I had used to watch a lot of porn and always insist on the most absurd things.

I think suggesting to your very vanilla husband that you try sex clubs was a bit out there TBH. You’ve been together over 20 years - is this something you’ve mentioned before? Because if not, he was probably under the impression you were happy with your current sex life. He might be feeling shocked and hurt you’re feeling so unsatisfied, which is not great for his ego.

What do you actually want to achieve? I’m not trying to be combative, but I think it’s important to have an idea of where you’d like this to go. Would you, for example, be satisfied with more frequent sex, in more varied positions with perhaps the odd toy added in? If that’s what you want, you could try wearing more provocative lingerie, suggesting changes of position etc. This is all quite gentle stuff, really which could be introduced without putting pressure on him.

Or are you after a complete turn around in how you and your husband have sex? Role play/dressing up and sex clubs are not something everyone is going to be interested in. Sex clubs in particular are pretty niche! What kind on role play do you want? Is it a BDSM thing for you? If these things are what you want then you may have to face that fact that it’s not going to be possible to explore these things and stay married.

This is why I'm worried about telling my DH - he's bound to be upset that I'm dissatisfied. It's difficult to know now to approach it without completely destroying his ego.

Thanks for the comments here (and for the bloke who decided to PM me about this ) . I've decided to go for the Monogamy Game as recommend by Pinot Pony.

@nonflirtinghusband,
Try putting yourself in your husbands place, what if he said to you that he finds your cooking boring ?, that might be a bit of a disappointment to you, and maybe upsetting

The suggestions might have to come from you, maybe small changes such as different positions in different rooms, different times of day if that’s possible, to begin with, before you get the whips and chains out (just kidding)but as others say, if you husband is just not that interested it going to be an uphill battle.

However, to be blunt, you as the female in the relationship do have a level of control over sex lives that men don’t have, so you should be able to introduce small changes okay

But be prepared for you husband to be upset if you say “your shit in bed”, it’s like saying “your shit as being a man”

so it’s small changes and be be prepared to compromise

Just a personal viewpoint but, for me, there would have to be some give and take for the marriage to work.

A healthy sex life is about respecting, and indulging, each other's kinks and turn ons. Your partner may be more "vanilla", which is completely fine, but for every time you have "ordinary" sex for him, I'd suggest he should then be returning the favour the next time by doing accepting the type of sex you that prefer.

I can accept that there are limits to this - for instance, if you or your partner were seeking something that involved pain for the other, or which was massively degrading, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Your partner may not enjoy what you are suggesting but, out of respect for you, he should be indulging you when it's "your turn", just as you should be indulging him by catering to him perhaps half the time.

I have this to extent with my DP ( of 2 years). I put up with basically crap sex with no foreplay for a long time. I would make suggestions about different positions, different places but he never took me up on it. In the end I was very blunt- and quite frankly upset and angry that all my pleas had fallen on deaf ears for so long.. I told him that I don't orgasm from PIV and I had right to enjoy sex and orgasm-just like he does.

He agreed with me. I got out my vibrators and I know he was reluctant at first but enjoys it now. So even if it's hardly swinging from the chandeliers stuff it's better than it was.

I think you suggested 0-100, and got short shrift from him, so he rejected it all outright. Its a shame you blundered in there somewhat after the same thing for years, as it might be harder to open his mind to things now.
You're relationship is a long way off sex clubs, and basically to him, you were saying you don't want to be monogamous to him, which would understandably be a shock to anyone - personally, I'd dump any male for even suggesting it.
A change of position would of been the first gentle step before the rest gets blurted out, and are you sure some of it is not in your fantasy, rather than what you want in reality?
If he won't agree to position changes, you are at a brick wall, and may need to reconsider the relationship, however, if you could find a way to explore each others likes more, then you might actually find your partnership reaches a new fun lease of life and you won't be mulling over sex clubs as an idea.

I would have gone for a different position. Take charge woman!