10 years ago I had a termination of pregnancy. It was the right thing for us at the time. I have had counselling - I have talked about it but the trauma is still so great, i can’t really get into it.
I have since married the man and we have had children.
But sex is so traumatic for me. It basically hit home to me that sex was not for fun. Sex was for making babies. Obviously the time I conceived (the termination), sex was fun. I enjoyed it. Hell, I instigated it. And now I am just disgusted with myself for wanting and enjoying sex, because it led to an unwanted pregnancy and an unwanted termination. I never thought I’d be in that position. For those of you curious, we used protection. It failed. I used back up contraception. That failed too. I know there will be people out there thinking I’ve made that up to make myself feel better but I haven’t. I genuinely did everything ‘right’. It is another thing for me to get over, and I can’t. I still can’t believe it happened to me.
Anyway. Sex is traumatic for me. I can only handle it if we do doggy position and it’s quick. I disappear into another place and do it to keep my husband happy. Obviously he isn’t as happy as he could be. He would like sex more often than a couple of times a month and he misses our old sex life where we both enjoyed it and could spend hours in bed. The guilt adds to it for me. I feel pressure to have sex. I don’t know what to do with feelings of arousal if I do get horny. I have tried instigating sex and usually end up crying. So now I’ll just pleasure myself privately to ‘get rid of the feeling’ but not have to deal with the pressure of sex.
I don’t want to be this way any more. My therapist believes I need to deal with the termination to deal with the sex. But really I don’t think I can. But i want to deal with the sex on its own. We are still young, there are many many many years ahead of us where sex should be enjoyed.
Any advice?