Sex issues... what can I do !

[Redhead999]

I don't understand why he won't have sex with me... its been 3 months since we last DTD and quite frankly I'm going crazy!

When we first got together everything was hunky dory, we both agreed we didn't have high sex drives, I'm happy with once a week twice at the most. There was so much affection and love as normal relationships do when you first get together. I remember him saying how happy he was to feel wanted and to feel loved. He said to me sex was few and far between in his previous relationship so we had plenty in common as it was the same for me too...

As it stands we haven't had sex for nearly 3 months... I've brought it up no end of times since and he just says he's tired, he's not feeling sex, he's not interested in being loving... its breaking me. I've sat and cried to him about how worthless I feel, how ugly I feel and how I just want to feel close and intimate and still nothing... I'm lucky to get a cuddle in bed now days. Hes always asleep for 8-9pm even on weekends. I try to show affection the usual (touching his legs, rubbing his head, cuddling up to him in bed) i just can't get close to him... he doesnt want to cuddle, kiss, touch, sex nothing... I am lost in what to do. Is it normal to go this long? Most men I know can't go a week without sex.. I just feel lost and unloved. I've tried to spice things up, I bought underwear for Christmas to surprise him and all I got was 'thats nice babe' completely threw me 😔 and its been in the drawer since.. what can I do? Do I leave? I just feel like I need some passion and love and that spark back and for us to have our mojo back...

I do all the housework, I cook, clean, do the washing etc etc, I was always brought up as that is the woman's role and thats that. He does cook sometimes which I always thank him for and appreciate massively. But he works hard and I feel he shouldn't have to come home to do those tasks.I even cooked a lovely meal and tried to make it romantic on Saturday evening, he fell asleep after his meal and was in bed for half 8... I'm at breaking point to be honest. I feel low and sad that my partner doesn't want me physically or even remotely sexually... what can I do to rekindle this or has it got to the point where we can't fix this... help!

Maybe he feels depressed. Maybe he feels useless because you do everything for him. Try it from a different tack “ for 3 months now you go to bed super early, don’t want any affection etc, are you okay mentally, how do we get you out this rut?”. If he says he’s fine then you can say that you are not fine with it, you are willing to support him through any problem but you are not willing for him to pretend there are none.

I have asked him a couple of weeks ago if he is depressed, he says he feels stressed with work, and lockdown etc. But makes no efforts to change things, he's quite happy sat on the sofa with the TV on every night... we used to do things and go out but even a suggestion gers turned down instantly. He just wants to chill... I've mentioned depression and he said things will get better, or he hopes they will. I suffer with my mental health myself and I know how hard lockdown is for us all, but to not want to engage with me or even cuddle me or show any affection I just find odd, considering how he was before this was never an issue.. ive tried talking and it just doesn't seem to work. I've even complentated leaving for a few days but I don't want to leave if he feels low already, just don't know what to do

You don’t say how old your partner is or if he is over weight.
I found that stress, tiredness and drink killed my sex drive stone dead, something to think about.

Also for most men, sex and affection are 2 different things,
Your partner may feel affectionate towards you, but not want to have sex (with anyone)
I realise this is no help to you, but please don’t feel down about it
Do you cuddle him in bed ?

He sounds unwell to me. You say he’s going to sleep early - is he sleeping a lot or up very early for work? He sounds completely exhausted which could be depression or a physical health issue. Could be hormonal balance or a thyroid problem, both of which affect energy levels and sex drive. I have some health issues of this kind and when I am severely fatigued I don’t want to be touched or have a discussion, I just want to be left alone. Difference is I am trying to do something about it.

If he wasn’t like this before i would be concerned about his health and be urging him to see a doctor. If he’s ill then that’s not his fault but he needs to take care of his health and if he’s unwilling to do so then you don’t have to stick around.

There are companies who offer blood tests via finger prick at home - I use Medichecks. Might be worth getting a thyroid, hormone and vitamin check to be sure there’s nothing amiss .

How long have you been together?

Don't let it get to ten years. That's my advice! 😣

Omg I could of wrote that myself....I'm going through the exact same thing. I am you😬😢
I really need someone to talk to about this...I'm struggling to cope x

Lockdown has caused a lot of mental health issues, add in being out of our "normal" routines, and in such close contact with our OH for 24 hours a day for so long, and a lot of pressure is being put on a lot of relationships. You are not alone...

It sounds like he has checked out, but I don't think it's unsolvable, if you both want to make it work

You don't say how old you are, but he may be suffering with ED, and if he is depressed, that's a serious libido killer.

It's heartbreakingly tough, but, for your own health and wellbeing, consider being more direct with him. Ask him outright if he still loves / fancies you. Tell him how you feel about him, and listen to him.

Don't let him get away with platitudes or comments like "I'm just tired" (by the way, he may want to consult a doctor over that!), drill down. Why is he tired. For instance, is work asking unreasonable demands of him?

Does he have sexual thoughts? Does he masturbate? Does he watch porn? Does he fantasize? Are you involved if he does?

You deserve to find these things out.