TRIGGER WARNING First Time Sex

[Cattenberg]

I lost my virginity at 23, to a man I met on holiday. I was flattered by his interest in me, as I thought he was extremely good-looking. I was also embarrassed by my lack of experience.

I wanted to take things slowly, but he seemed to think that as I was only in his country for a short time, that wasn’t an option. I was happy to kiss him, however, I lost control of the situation. It seemed that I had two choices, go and lock myself in the bathroom (or throw him out), or have sex with him. I told him I was scared and I must have said “no” dozens of times, but I didn’t get up and walk away. It was a painful and prolonged experience.

I have wondered many times since, if it’s normal for young men to be pushy, or if most men would think he behaved badly.

Most good men would think he raped you, most not so good men would maybe think he was pushy at worst

Saying no and him carrying on anyway is rape.
The same thing happened to me and it took a long time to understand that it was rape. I wrote to the Rape Crisis people (back in the day when you had to write a paper letter) and it meant a lot to me that someone else listened to what I had to say and didn't say it was my fault. Putting a name to it, rape, helped.
I suggest you contact Rape Crisis and talk, just talk, chat it over. There is no judgment and talking is good.

Really sorry to hear about your experience

Unfortunately yes, younger men can be pushy as can all men to be honest,

And yes it is rape and the person responsible should be in prison, it’s far beyond bad behaviour

Another guy here. It is not normal and it is not right, I’m sorry but he raped you.

Is there anyone you can talk to?

This was undoubtedly rape and I would encourage you to seek counselling to help.

I’m a bloke and this disgusts me. You were raped.
Can I suggest you seek professional help before it drags you down?

Its not normal behaviour and yes he behaved badly. You said no and he should have stopped. That he did not stop means that this was not a consensual act and he raped you.
Please speak to someone about what happened to you.

I thought it wasn’t rape, because I could have got up and walked away and I don’t think he would have stopped me. There was no force involved at all. Also, I went along with it/co-operated to some extent, even though I clearly wasn’t happy about it.

This guy had lost his own virginity at a very young age, and he seemed to think it was strange to want to kiss someone you’re attracted, but not to want sex with them. I felt that I was very old to still be a virgin, so that he knew what was normal and I didn’t.

I do have a good friend to talk to, and I’ll think about getting professional help after lockdown. Thank you all for your concern.

no means no. He was 100% wrong.

Hopefully you will be able to have a relationship with a man who respects your wishes, desires and body after lockdown. This guy clearly had a warped view of consentual sex and how to understand your feelings.
If you didn't consent then he crossed the line!

Sorry but you were raped. Consensual sex needs to be exactly that and positive. Most men are not like that.

Thank you for your replies.

My next partner was lovely, but after that, I did have a partner who was slightly pushy (e.g. undoing my jeans again after I’d zipped them back up). So, my understanding of what’s normal might be warped.

A lot of men tend to push for a faster pace. Set the pace you want and if they don't respect your boundaries, and match the pace you are comfortable with, it's a red flag waving that you should stay away from them regardless if you fancy them ( that's just hormones, not a basis for a relationship, if that's what you want).
I'm talking of future endeavours here, as clearly, you were raped in the past as you said no, which is unambiguous.
Its not unusual for women to have experienced situations where they were pushed or coerced into things at some point, so you are not alone in that, it is also very wrong and these are not the type of men to attempt to have a relationship with, as the lack of respect for women will doubtless show up on other areas.
Its good you had a partner that was lovely, that is your yardstick, that was the norm, don't accept anything less.