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I am falling in love a man who isnt what I want long term

4 replies

FLO20 · 17/01/2021 06:35

I'm 35. been separated for 6 months and wasn't planning on being involved with anyone for a long time. I started a friendship with a man 20 years older than me and we really get along. We gradually started speaking more and more and then it turned into a sexual thing (virtually). I've made it known that I'm not interested in more than physical and we've come to a mature agreement. I'm basing my desires on where I'm at at the moment but I could easily fall for this man if he ticked a few more boxes. His work ethic and financial situation is a huge problem. These are external things when I have a deep internal pull to someone. I just can't seem to shake the need and want for him to earn more money by working more. (He only works when he needs to)

Am I being shallow or is this a practical thing? Do people really drop the bar for a soul mate?

He makes me so happy but I just don't know how the lust will last if I struggle to respect him in that way

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FortunesFave · 17/01/2021 07:22

For me, the work thing and the aspirations thing never came into it. I fell in love with DH and that was it. I never looked at men and weighed up things like their earning capabilities.

But I am not at all materialistic...no desire to have lots of foreign holidays etc.

Don't care about new furniture.

I just like simple things...but if you want more, then he won't do will he? Not unless you're prepared to support him.

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wishfuldreamer · 17/01/2021 09:56

well...you say you don't want a relationship (which is fine), but have you given any thought about what you think a relationship looks like, and why? What his work ethic and living style is like only really matters if you have an image of your life as living with a partner, and sharing finances etc etc.

That said...have you actually met him yet? you definitely can fall in love with someone remotely, but sometimes when you meet, you realise that you've fallen in love with the 'remote' them, not necessarily the 'real world' them, as it were. if you've not yet met IRL, i would keep a bit of a check on your future planning/worrying...

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AzaleaMania · 17/01/2021 17:03

Those things matter and will matter even more when he is older and has less earning potential and you're working to support you both, care for him and will only be in your late forties or early fifties.
Where is he living?
Honestly I think the age gap is an issue too. Your looking at significant differences in your cultural terms of reference and perspectives (there are ten years between me and my partner and I feel every single one some days). Plus as I mentioned before you'll be his carer when you're still youngish.
The very fact you have these reservations NOW when things should be rosy and amazing is the kind of gut feeling you should trust.

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FLO20 · 18/01/2021 05:06

Thanks everyone. Last poster you are right. I will feel these things in 10years time I'll still be youngish and he will be getting his pension lol ive been quite honest and told him I don't want anything more than what we are doing now I've just got feelings for him as a result. I'll stick to the original plan lol x I don't want a relationship with anyone at the moment so hopefully it stays how it is for as long as possible xxx

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