I'm clueless with new partner

[singleandclueless]

I've namechanged to post on this board.

Please no judgement with regards to Covid.

I separated from my husband in February 2020 but due to Covid I was unable to move to my new home until about 4 months ago. It was a mostly sexless marriage and I was with him for 12 years in total, no children. I just lost my desire to have sex with him because over time I began losing respect for him outside the bedroom...although in saying that he was on the whole a good man. Another reason was because I was very bored in the bedroom. He was pretty useless in bed, had poor coordination and was far too gentle despite me insisting I wouldn't shatter in to a million pieces.

Prior to my husband, I was single for 3 years and had a few one night stands in that time. And prior to that I was in a 5 year relationship. He was abusive towards me in every way including sexually.

And prior to that relationship, I had only had one night stands. (So in other words not a lot of time to get to know someone properly in an intimate way).

So that's the background. My conundrum is this. I joined an online dating site about 2-3 months ago and quickly began talking to a man 9 years older than me (I'm 37 he's 46). After lots of messaging and phone calls we decided to meet for a socially distanced park walk. This led to us meeting at mine a few days later, and I have to say, we had the most mind blowing sex (well for me anyway...although he did seems to enjoy it too!)

We've met up several times since then and he's made it very clear he wants us to progress once lockdown begins to ease. He leaves tomorrow to go abroad to sort his late father's estate so I'll not see him for a few weeks.

I don't know what's wrong with me though...although I'm absolutely loving the sex, I feel very very insecure and almost as though I don't know what I'm doing. He talks dirty to me and sends the most amazingly horny messages, and I'd love to be able to reciprocate but I just clam up and feel silly. I know that my sexual history has done me a bit of a disservice, while he just seems so experienced. I'm scared he'll become bored in the same way I became bored in the past. And the more I think about this the more down I get.

He's said to me that the sex is only going to get better as we get to know each other, and that he can't wait to feel more comfortable and relaxed I can't imagine him being any more relaxed or confident, or even the sex getting better. There's no issue with him turning me on, keeping me that way or making me come. I just feel so inexperienced and useless tbh and scared it'll ruin things.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here, or what advice I need but thanks for reading this far. I suppose I just need reassurance or advice on how to please him more. Didn't realise how much I wrote!

Hi Op

Good to hear that you have had a nice experience. That is a good start.

I think you just need to take it slowly. Let him guide you and if you enjoy things be enthusiastic and let him know it is nice and you are enjoying. Obviously it isn't clear what you are doing or trying, but it sounds fine if he is enjoying and it is working for you.

Men like it if women are enthusiastic. They like sexy underwear and perhaps when confident enough try something more risqué from Anne Summers or Lovehomey? Most men love that especially if something that is open fronted etc...shows you want to make an effort as well.

Does he know you feel lacking in confidence?

Hi OP From your very honest description of your background with relationships it would appear that you have never met a man similar to the new one and it sounds absolutely fabulous. You do not anything about the background of the new man, is there something that you are not sure about?

Maybe he makes you feel like a teenager new to sex?

Good luck, I bet you can not wait until he returns.

Reading your post tells me that you are very self-aware. Your previous experiences are certainly nothing to write home about, but our pasts in no way rule our futures.

It sounds to me as though you just need someone to literally, and metaphorically, hold your hand as you go through this period of development. It also sounds to me as though you have found a pretty good person to accompany you on the journey.

The only thing I would say to you is 'Carpe Diem'. Thanks for posting your story; it was a heart-warming read, and I wish you all the best. By the way, well done for not letting Covid steal what has turned out to be a real opportunity for growth and happiness. I have no wish to minimise the severity of the virus, but we do need to view it through a sensible lens.

Thanks for your replies

Tbh it's not as though we've done anything out of the ordinary. We've tried lots of different positions, given each other oral and masturbated for each other. He's almost a foot taller than me so some positions are a bit tricky....whoever said we're all the same height lying down, was lying

So he'll say things like he wants me to wear a dress with heels and no underwear, then touch myself. He's said he's got lots of other things he wants us to do, and asked if I'd let him tie me up. This was all over messaging or when we've had phone sex, so not really the best opportunity to discuss properly.

My sexy life was either so vanilla or abusive in the past, so this is very new to me. I'm feeling a bit freaked out because I just have no imagination and don't want him to compare me to a sack of potatoes! I've also put on some weight since I was last naked with a new man, so that's definitely knocking my confidence.

I've read through some of the posts on this board and the men seem to agree that confidence is the sexiest thing in a woman I definitely don't have that. I know this sounds extreme but I'm even considering just knocking this whole thing on the head with him because I feel so insecure

**sex life...not sexy life

I've often used the "Strictly Come Dancing" analogy here. The professional dancers have all the experience and all the moves , whereas the celebs arrive with nothing. It takes time for two people to get into sync sexually after that initial excitement and nerves of the first time.

If you like the sound of some of what he has said then tell him so, but he should approach your sexual blooming with tenderness and understanding. If a man has previously had a relationship with a lot of kink and moves on then its sometimes hard to just kill those thoughts and needs.

As the sergeant at Sandhurst used to say "There is one thing you can't learn and that's experience ".

Thank you Mister, that SCD analogy definitely makes a lot of sense.

I also seem to find that I'm getting so so horny all the time, even when just thinking about him. I don't know if it's because I get kind of dead inside for so long or because of my age? (Don't women peak sexually as they get older?)
These feelings are all quite new to me as with my husband I was just going through the motions, and then eventually couldn't even bring myself to do that.

It's ridiculous because I feel like a teenager all over again, and not in a good way. I just hope he's willing to be patient with me. I do genuinely believe he will but it's the embarrassment of being so inexperienced that is making me feel this way

Why don't you talk to him about how you feel? If he's a keeper he'll listen and want to help you! It will bring you closer too.
My dh was a bit messed up when we got together, he's been in a odd relationship with a woman who had destroyed his self esteem. He told me and it helped me see why he behaved the way he did (in bed!)
I sorted him out and we are still hugely compatible and happy in the bedroom a decade on

singleandclueless, don't you dare knock this on the head because you feel that you lack the confidence to proceed.

I agree that confidence is essential in the bedroom, so I would say to you that if you cannot make it, then you must fake it until you are able. I teach 9 & 10 year olds to ride bicycles on the road and for many of them it is really scary to be on the roads for the first time. I tell them that if they show other road users that they are not confident, they will be pushed around all over the place. I allow them to feel very scared inside, but on the surface they must be all big, bold smiles and taking up confident positions. Guess what? They soon find out that faking the confidence pays huge dividends and as soon as that happens the real confidence begins to build. I am sure that if young children can do it when faced with frightening cars, buses, and trucks that you too could give it a try.

Masturbating in front of someone is incredibly intimate and erotic, and you have already done that (presumably finding it enjoyable), so responding to a sexy text message should not be too much of a problem. You definitely have the wherewithal inside you to obtain a lot of fun from this relationship; just realise that Rome was not built in a day. Endeavour to make a small advance every day; perhaps send him a suggestive text telling him what you would like to do to him when you are next together. I am sure the rewards will soon outweigh any inner misgivings you may have.

A truly satisfying sex life is such an immense boost to a person's quality of life. For you that is undoubtedly within your reach; all you have to do is grasp it in your hand. You may well have to adjust your grip as time passes (and confidence develops), but under no circumstances let this slip through your fingers.

I can tell from your writing that you are a very intelligent woman. You will know that a woman's allure is not all about losing a few pounds here and there; it is all about what goes on inside her head. You have been dealt quite a few crappy hands in your time and have survived to tell the tale. This is now your time to put on a game face and enjoy yourself.

Just make sure that whatever you do in the bedroom, that is not the only thing in the relationship for him. He sounds quite pushy to me and all about sex. Usually when dating you get taken out for meals etc but this can’t happen currently so there is the possibility that it could just end up being a sexual relationship with little foundation. Only agree to what you are comfortable with. It’s very early days.

I agree, be aware of the relationship just being about sex, particularly if you are in awe of him in bed.
Other than that, enjoy the ride!
There's nothing wrong with being less-experienced, I'm sure a lot of men like that, as long as your having a good time, I'm sure he's happy with you too.

Hiya and thanks for your replies.

I wouldn't say I'm getting over invested in him or where this is going, so if it's just based on sex then that's fine with me. I don't really want to jump back in to a relationship at the moment but I'm happy to remain open minded and explore where this might lead. I do like him but no deep feelings.

I wouldn't say he's pushy...I'd only really mentioned the sex side of things as this is the situation which is causing me to stress. He's very chatty, kind and witty. We message every day, and I get a "good morning" and "good night" from him daily. We've had lots of deep discussions...we've both lost a parent fairly recently and have discussed our feelings on this at length, and I have felt as though he has been a good support in that regard.

I guess he's just telling me what he likes. He's asked me what I like and what I'd like to do, but I'm just a bit because I don't know. I honestly don't know, and it's this which is bothering me so much. For someone who has been in serious relationships for about half of their life, I don't feel as though I have anything exciting to offer sexually. Not just this man but any man

If this ends up going somewhere and we both want that, then great. If not then I hope I walk away with more experience and confidence, and less hang ups. The only thing there is to do at the moment is have sex If we're still seeing each other when things begin to open back up and get back to normal, then it will be very interesting to see how it goes. We're definitely doing things very back to front! He's expected to be away for several weeks so things are definitely at a standstill for the time being unfortunately.

I wish I could fake it til I make it but I don't even think I know how to do that

@singleandclueless
Hi Op. nice reading your posts. In a different way you remind me of years ago when I lost my virginity. I held off sleeping with a guy until I was 19 and had been seeing my BF for a good couple of months. When it felt right I told him but also told him I was a virgin. He was a bit older an definitely experienced. As a result it felt like he taught me a lot in a lovely way...took time but gradually experimented with things that were more adventurous. It feels like you are just an older version so why not take the same approach, which TBH sounds a little like you are.. just relax and enjoy but if there is something you don't enjoy tell him?

It sounds like you've got a great opportunity here to explore and develop your sexuality with someone who will "show you the ropes" (quite literally!)

Tell him how you're feeling and why. If he's a genuine guy, he'll understand. In fact, he'll probably be delighted to take you on a journey of exploration. In my experience, that's one of the most exciting things about a new relationship... learning about what makes each other tick...

You don't have to be experienced and know everything but you should definitely be honest and open with him. Anything that's causing you to fret or worry will only be resolved if you talk about it together.