Spasmodic Sex life

[TheTopSlice]

Ok bit of background
I am 55 DW is 53 we have been together 36 Years married 33 Years.
I was quite inexperienced when we met, but we were both insatiable we had a very varied sex life including: - Sex outdoors, Same room with other couples, watching porn in groups, Oral Anal BJ’s etc nothing seemed off the books so to speak. And although with the birth of our 2 children sex slowed (she was always wary when kids about) we would have weekends away and rekindle the sex etc..
I expected that once the kids left home, we would be at it like rabbits again. But apart from the odd occasion the last few years there has been next to nothing. Apart from vanilla sex on the odd occasion. So, before the usual excuses are run out here is how it currently is

If I initiate anything away from vanilla sex, she makes me feel like a pervert by some of her comments, it’s as if she no longer remembers the stuff we used to do.

if she initiates it every now and again it usually ends up as quick and unsatisfying, its usually fingers and wanking if I go down on her she makes a bee line for my penis and wanks it for her life, if I try and slow things down, she accuses me of spoiling the situation. So usually I end up coming too soon and having to finish her off with my hand.

So, because the sex is so spasmodic, I have tended to watch more porn and I know it’s not doing me any good as when the odd session is on the cards, I am now finding it hard to get an erection, but porn is better than next to nothing. I use Viagra but when I do I get sarky comments along the lines of “Can’t get it up” etc. (She seems to see this as I don’t find her attractive enough, even though I tell her all the time how much she turns me on etc.)

I have purchased lingerie of all kinds but never see it I have bought toys but apparently this makes me a perv.

I know she has body issues with weight but she recently lost loads of weight and it made no difference and now she has put it all back on.
When I try and talk about this stuff Its either “I (me) have an issue” or “There is not a problem” If I mention the way things where she denies that they happened its as if I had a different memory, she sometimes even accuses me of mixing her up with someone else, but since they was hardly anyone else to remember that’s silly.

OK to be totally transparent and at the risk of all the backlash this usually gets on here I have used the services of an Escort and found it quite enjoyable. I can be myself; I am not made to feel like a pervert when I ask for a BJ, but hey ho girls do you worse it’s not something I am proud of.

Someone recently said it may be a catholic thing but she has been catholic all her life not a recent thing.

So, I am struggling here, I know a lot of reply’s will be why not leave, if I am not happy but TBH that’s another but completely unrelated story. Suffice to say it’s a very last resort.

Have you asked her why she doesn't fancy you? I could probably think of a few answers!!

Thanks for your insightful comment, but yes we have had conversations like this and many others but you cant get 30+ years into a post. so Yes not helpful.

You should feel like pervert, because that's exactly what you are.

Your wife clearly sees that. I feel sorry for her. Hope she soon finds a way to leave you.

@Rocaille

You should feel like pervert, because that's exactly what you are.

Your wife clearly sees that. I feel sorry for her. Hope she soon finds a way to leave you.

I'm not sure I read the same post..! What makes the OP a pervert? Wanting a BJ from his wife? Buying toys! Sure, using an escort service is pretty low but even that doesn't make him a pervert.

OP - I'm not sure what the answer is. If you've wifevdiesnt want to talk about it or recognise that there's a problem, then you'll struggle to resolve things.

Have you suggested couples counselling? If she knows you feel that strongly she may buy into that.

The only other advice I can give is to try to rekindle some physical intimacy without the pressure of sex. Do you hold hands, kiss, sit on the sofa together? It's a start...

I was sympathetic until the part about the escorts. I think it's time to call it a day in your marriage given that you have been cheating using prostitutes.

Oh dear. You're not going to get a fair hearing now because of admitting to the prostitute. I don't agree with that part at all assuming your DW didn't know. Or maybe she did??? But wanting a varied sex life, especially if you once had it with her, does not make you a pervert. All I can say is sex is such a deeply strange and complicated thing..I have so many fantasies and desires but cannot for the life of me translate most of them to the bedroom with DH. Once upon a time though, we did. Over the years it has just kind of petered to vanilla. I cannot explain why.

If I take the prostitute issue out of the equation, I think you are a bit unreasonable to expect the same level of kink you had in your 20s to continue into your 50s. When DH and I got together early 20s we did atm, golden showers, sex wherever as we were also as you describe - insatiable. Now, and we've not been together as long as you and dw, we still do anal sometimes and use toys but the kink has dialled right down, I wouldn't fancy being pissed on now or shagging in a grotty club toilet, and I can imagine by our 50s maybe it will have decreased again, and while I hope that is not the case, we would have to just make a compromise based on how we both feel.

Thanks for the constructive replies. I pretty much knew I would get shot down for the escort thing, I am not trying to defend the action, but loads of men do this and you can bet your house on the fact that the posters on here that get soooo upset the most are the only upset because they either worry or suspect that their partner is also........you get the picture, so I don’t take it personally.

That's the typical mindset when you are up to no good. You rationalise it with 'everyone's doing it!!'. Lots of men do visit prostitutes yes, but most don't. Does your wife know?

Your pathetic op. Do your wife a favour and leave.

Does your wife know you're paying for sex?
What a turn off, I'm not surprised she's not interested in having sex with you!
Please leave her, she can then find someone who doesn't visit prostitutes and put her health at risk. She needs a std test asap, poor woman.

And know I'm not 'sooooo upset' because my own partner pays for sex. He'd be as repulsed by your actions as me.
Don't think for a minute all men are like you, there are some utterly decent ones out there, let's hope your wife finds one of them!

'No' not 'know' typo....

@TheTopSlice

Thanks for the constructive replies. I pretty much knew I would get shot down for the escort thing, I am not trying to defend the action, but loads of men do this and you can bet your house on the fact that the posters on here that get soooo upset the most are the only upset because they either worry or suspect that their partner is also........you get the picture, so I don’t take it personally.

I think that you're awful for cheating on your wife with a prostitute. I don't think that because I'm worried my own partner will, or because I'm repressed or naive. I think it because you've betrayed your wife when if the lack of sex life was a dealbreaker for you, you should have broken up not cheated.

I also think that men who pay for sex are vile because they cannot possibly know the circumstances that led the prostitute to sex work - which could be abuse, coercion and / or desperation. You'd rather risk paying to have sex with a vulnerable woman than have to make the effort by starting again and finding someone who actually wants to have sex with you.

Plenty of reasons I think your behaviour is reprehensible, none of which are to do with me taking anything personally or being worried about my own partner.

FWIW, like another poster said, until you revealed you have been cheating on your wife by paying for sex with a prostitute I felt genuine sympathy and empathy for your situation.

And I would have said that as upsetting as it is, if the way your sex life is at the moment is a dealbreaker for you then you need to be willing to leave.

Instead you'd rather lie to your wife and pay a vulnerable woman to have sex with you in secret.

I hope you do leave her so she can meet someone who actually cares about her enough to not do such a thing.

Imagine her face if she found out you've been doing that. Genuinely, imagine her reaction. The pain you would have caused someone you've spent most of your life with. How can you continue doing it? So selfish.