Not into sex

[clearwaterbluesky]

This has been a v. gradual transition for over a number of years.

Been with my husband for a long time, but (3) kids, age, health, money stresses, marriage issues have all contributed to me not wanting it at all. Like ever.

Luckily my OH is working OS so it's not a problem, but he comes back in 2 weeks, then 2 weeks quarantine, he will undoubtedly want to have sex and although I love him and find him very sexy, the physical act couldn't be further from my mind. I have tried explaining this, but he just goes off at me. I do understand he has his needs that he wants met, but it is a case of ending our nearly 2 decade marriage over it?

Yes. He has the right to end your marriage over the lack of sex. Same as anyone, he has the right to end the relationship for whatever reason.

It really is unfair to ask either party in a relationship to commit to staying in a sexless relationship. You say you find him sexy - can the feelings come back do you think? Would you commit to trying to rekindle things?

It would be reasonable for him to end it on this basis yes. There is a difference being married as opposed to being friends and sex is one of them

Do you masturbate? I find if I haven't had sex for ages then I don't really get in the mood. Playing around with toys by myself can get things going again. It seems worth the effort if you still find him sexy but just don't have the desire for sex.

There’s another issue here OP, why don’t you have needs?

Why don't I have needs? Don't have a clue, just not something I crave, or want.

I have a phone appointment and I am going to speak with my solicitor today. I'm going to file for divorce.

well, that escalated quickly.

People are right, he has needs and I don't. There's no compromise. I can't force myself to want to be intimate if it's not there. I would be hating every second.

I would talk to your doctor first before solicitors!

As CASCASCAS has said, you really should see your GP and get things such as your hormone levels checked out. Your libido can be a fragile creature and it is not worth throwing away an otherwise satisfactory marriage without exploring why you feel as you do. Divorce should not be the first and only option.

Best wishes.

“I do understand he has his needs that he wants met”

Do you understand though? If it was just a matter of getting off he’d have other outlets open to him. Or maybe, just maybe, it feels like a complete and utter, soul destroying rejection of every aspect of who he is by the one person he wants to mean something to.

If you’re not willing to address that, maybe a divorce lawyer is the best thing - for him.

Sex you don't want is really truly horrible. Much, much worse than sex you do want but can't have.
Yes, leave, and have peace over your own body. Good luck!

The divorce papers will be a nice surprise when he returns.

I'd say that it is a massive overreaction by OP unless there is more to the tale.

I have tried explaining this, but he just goes off at me

I think that's the real problem. What does he do, shout, throw things, try to make you feel guilty?

Guilt. He makes me feel incredibly guilty for something I didn't want or expect but happened. This isn't an overnight thing.

And for all those who say 'go to the doctors' I have seen a doctor about it, and as I mentioned in my OP there's many contributing factors. My husband has already cheated which I understand (now) but subconsciously I'm pretty sure that something clicked inside my head when it happened and after that was when I lost "all" interest.