Open marriage

[Estherpologist]

I can see so many ways open relationships might go wrong, but can someone bring me up to speed on when they go right? Especially if there is only one partner (me) with another regular partner.

I'm not married but have an open relationship with my partner. I have a sexual relationship with another man who I see once a month.

We met him at a party together, all got on well and he subsequently messaged me to say he was interested in me and could I ask DP how he felt about that.

DP and I talked. A lot! About insecurities and jealousies. About what worries us. About what we both want. About needs and desires and how to meet them. We read and researched and talked to others. We realised that jealousy comes from a place of fear, of losing something, and that you can choose not to give it that power. You can choose not to be jealous. You can choose to trust how your partner feels about you.

DP knows I put him first every time. If he told me to stop, I would, without hesitation. He's my primary and my priority. I love him. He also knows that the other guy is not a threat to our relationship, I don't see him as partner material, just as someone who I enjoy kinky fun with.

There have been sticking points. DP struggled when he became aware of the emotional intimacy. I told him that we'd gone for dinner and watched a film. These "couple" activities bothered him more than the sexual side. I've explained that, for me, there has to be an emotional connection, especially as there is a D/s dynamic. Besides I wouldn't fuck someone I couldn't be friends with!

Although my other man sees a handful of women, he started making noises about how I was special and he'd like to see me more often. DP is worried he's falling for me. Again, I've reassured DP that I'm not going anywhere. I'm with him. Next time I see my other guy (obviously post lockdown), I'm going to set some boundaries and make it clear what I can and can't offer him. We'll see where we go from there.

It's not plain sailing by any means because there are emotions involved so you have to navigate that very carefully. We're still exploring and learning as we go but, in my experience, all long as everyone is brutally honest, open and respectful of each other, non-monogamy can work.

@Pinotpony, I think you have just highlighted and confirmed everyone's worst suspicions about open relationships.
Your other man is in multiple relationships? You need to have and emotional connection to those you are having sex with?
You might prioritise your DH but your other man certainly doesn't.
There is always one person more invested than the other in open relationships and that is why they fundamentally don't last.
If you can't commit to one relationship then having multiple isn't fixing the problem it just creates more problems whether you realise it at the time or not.

@PinotPony Thanks for being so open on this. I hope you don't mind me asking questions.
How long have you been with your DP (prior to lockdown)?
How long have you been with your other partner (prior to lockdown)?
Do you have kids?
Other than D/s, is there a reason why you have a FWB?
Do you have / have you ever had a good / any sexual relationship with your DP and is he involved with other women?
The need for intimacy is certainly something that I'm not sure I know where I am. I miss sex (which i don't get with my DP any more), I can't imagine fucking someone I didn't have some non-sexual connection with, but I don't want my DP to feel threatened, and I don't want a FWB to detract from what I enjoy with my DP.

@firewalkeruk Everyone lives by their own rules, and as both PinotPony and her FWB are non monogamous, and open about that, I'm not sure numbers matter. I can imagine it might be fulfilling to have multiple partners - I don't know - I'm not that far down that road yet - but as much as I might prefer them to just be with me, I think I'd be hypocritical if I expected them to be monogamous if I'm not.
Committing to an emotional or domestic relationship, for us, might live on. Sexually it has not. I feel committed to the relationship in every way, including sex if it was on offer, but for my DP that ship has sailed and sunk. We are still committed to each other, but I'm not fulfilled sexually, so we are just starting to talk about whethet we can sustain the relationship and if so how.

@firewalkeruk Why is it an issue for him to have other partners? I am well aware of who they are, indeed I know most of them as friends including his primary partner. I understand that she is the most important woman in his life, not me, just as my DP is the most important man in my life, not him.

I don't understand the suggestion that multiple relationships is a negative concept. I don't care about the number of partners I, or anyone else, has. What's important to me is the care and respect afforded to each other. If my other man treated any of his partners badly, I'd think less of him but, having spoken to them, I know he is equally caring and respectful of us all.

I AM committed to one relationship - my DP. His happiness is my priority. Equally he wants me to be happy and gives me the freedom to be so.

@Estherpologist
I'm fairly new to this all so by no means an expert and still figuring it out as I go. I've been with DP for just over a year. We don't live together but he is involved with my children (15 and 11) and they know him as my partner. The children don't know that I see someone else and I see no reason to tell them.

Prior to that I was married for 20 years to the father of my child with very little physical intimacy, which eventually became intolerable and we divorced.

DP is amazing and we have a fulfilling sex life. My other man is not a replacement or substitute for DP. However, I am a bit of a masochist (a lot!) and DP loves me far too much to hurt me. My other man is an experienced Dom and is more than happy to paddle my behind once a month before kissing me better and sending me home! He will sometimes message DP... almost like a handover of aftercare.... I know that sounds odd but they both care about me and want to make sure I'm ok.

Most people struggle to understand how it all works but it just does. 🤷‍♀️ Perhaps it won't in future, who knows..

If you look to open you're marriage, I think you need to be absolutely clear on everyone's expectations. It won't work if your husband thinks you're off having a great time with someone else because you're unhappy with him. I imagine he'll just feel rejected. You'd need to very carefully explore his emotions and insecurities. Do you have the type of relationship that would enable those conversations?

Hi OP, we have an open relationship and like any other there is no 1 size fits all. We have been together around 25 years

In relationship we meet couples at clubs or online. If we all like each other we may agree to meet again.

We also meet others separately from time to time but in these cases its strictly ONS only. There is never a second meet, so for example Pinots set up would be a no no for us.

Regarding a one sided open relationship I’ve never known one survive unless the non sexual partner is genuinely asexual and really doesn’t mind and the sexual partner can totally divorce sex from emotions and is really committed to their partner.

Otherwise it i suspect becomes an exit affair in plain sight.

Thanks.

@PinotPony Wow! That's never going to a boring set up.
DP feeling rejected or threatened is something I definitely want to avoid, but if we want to stay together I feel compromise ought to be on both sides. I'm not inerested playing 5-a-side on a Sunday morning. I'd rather do other things on a Sunday morning. I feel that shouldn't be unfair, if we can navigate the more complicated bits and figure out something works for both of us.

@Ifitaintgotnoswing My DP claims to have no more interest in sex, and when we discussed the ways to cope with a sexless marriage, did not rule out me having sex with someone else. Which surprised me. We're a long way from agreeing to an open marriage. I just want to figure out if it would be something that would work for me before we really try to figure out if it would be right for us. And your point about an exit affair in plain sight is the sort of thing I would want to avoid.
I don't really want to get into swinging and do things like clubs and ONS. Or maybe that's a way to avoid some of the emotional complications. Food for thought.

Lots of discussion and ideas re. open relationships from these guys. Worth a watch...

Hi OP
One question I’d ask myself is this
Am I intrinsically monogamous ?

If the answer is yes I think there is a much higher risk of developing feelings in an FWB situation because you want a connection beyond just sex which could then develop into love.

ONS does prevent this but it takes a lot more effort to keep finding new people which can be quite draining. You also need to have a more transactional view of sex like this - a ons is little more than a quick fuck to scratch an itch, especially for men.

Good luck with what ever you decide and to do, I dont think there are any easy solutions.

A couple of months on, and after a lot of thought, an open marriage is starting to sound more likely. At least for a trial run.
Has anyone come across any sort of legal agreement that means infidelity won't be used as grounds for divorce? I'm sure it wouldn't be an issue, but people change and as we would have agreed that I could play away from home, it feels sensible to make sure it couldn't get thrown back at me.

I have a friend that was married and in a Swinger relationship with her husband. Unfortunately he kept pushing and pushing the envelope and started to lose touch with their own set of rules. It became an "anything goes" situation. His sexual greed got the better of him. It split them up.

I think it probably could get thrown back at you and there won’t be any legal agreements for that in the UK I wouldn’t have thought. Risk you will prob have to take. Infidelity wouldn’t change financial settlements though.

Have you thought about how you would find a man in this situation?

As a legal professional, I don't think such a binding agreement exists. However, you might want to put something down in writing just in case it becomes an issue further down the line.

What does your DH say about it? Does he want to know who you will be seeing? Does he want to know the details or be kept in the dark? What ground rules have you agreed?

I recall you were thinking of a regular FWB rather than ONS. Where are you looking to meet this man? I have some suggestions...! 😂

We've talked about what details I share, and it would probably be limited to when and where, possibly who, but not what.

ONS vs FWB is still TBC. I think I'd prefer a FWB for lots of reasons, but I'm aware emotions are more of a risk. As for where to find men, I've looked at a few websites, but if you can suggest any that aren't just full dicks recommendations would be useful.

I agree with the above; it would be worth putting something in writing as although not legally binding, it will at least show intentions on both sides and could potentially be used as supporting evidence in any divorce.

That was my thinking. I wonder whether it would be worth getting witnessed by a solicitor, just to show it's not being done under duress?

No solicitor will witness a document like that. All you need to do is write it down, date it and both sign it.

Even then it's not a legally binding document. It will just help to show what your agreement and intentions were at the time, if it becomes an issue in future.

Thanks.

My partner and I have a similar arrangement to Pinot except he is the involved too! It's the first time either of us has had an open arrangement albeit with one Feb. Seems to work well for the 3 of us and he trusts that if he's out of the country that fwb will keep me company but there are always put boundaries in place for these times. As already said, it comes down to trust. My do is my priority and whilst Fwb and I have a connection, it doesn't override my partner at all. It's very respectful. Best of luck!!