I’ve changed my life, can I change DH?

[MrsSelfishJackass]

I’ll try and keep it brief but it might be long, sorry.

Been with DH 13 years. Only child is 11.

Sex was ok in the beginning. He was much more inexperienced and clueless than I was. There has been occasion where he has put in some effort, but mostly he’s selfish as fuck. He finishes and rolls over and goes to sleep. I don’t think he’s completely to blame, I have never said anything. Though nor have I ever faked it. I don’t think he was deliberately being selfish, just genuinely thought I had a good time and that was that.

Then I got really fat, depressed, housebound, zero sex drive, and was quite happy for a pleasureless sex life, as it was pretty much “let’s just get this over with so I can go to sleep” if that makes sense?

In the last 6 months I have lost the weight, lost my social anxiety, have lost my shyness, and my sex drive is insane. He’s most confused and pleased at the same time, and because I’ve got the confidence of a new woman I have told him he’s a bit shit in bed. Probably a bit more harshly than I should have.

I was horny, like really really hard up, he was like hell yes, I was having a GREAT time, and told him not to stop, which spurred him on a bit too much and he finished. I was like ok, and just sort of laid there expectantly thinking he would get the point. He didn’t. So I said “I haven’t finished”. He looked dumb and said “I can’t keep going”, and I was like “well you have hands don’t you?!” He still looked dumb and confused so I called him a selfish jerk and got up and walked out.

It was a bit more harsh than I intended it to be, but Jesus Christ it was me who was in need in the first place and him who got the happy ending?!

Now he’s gone quiet and I can’t actually tell if he’s sulking or thinking he’s a selfish jerk. I am aware I should have said something years ago. But like I said I didn’t have the confidence and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Is there a more polite way to tell him he’s a bit shit and most men care about their wife’s pleasure?! Help!

A few pointers on this thread I think

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex/4062086-Help-how-to-say-what-I-don-t-like-in-bed

How can you expect him to just know what to do if you've never said anything before? It's bizarre you'd be so hard on him....why not discuss it all properly first?

Well yes I didn’t mean to be so hard on him, as I said. In the moment I was just really frustrated that I was the one who initiated, obviously horny, and then he finished and left me hanging. I guess I was angry and thinking you’d have to be either really stupid or uncaring to think that was gonna make me happy?! I didn’t expect him to know what to do. But I did say “you have hands” and “I haven’t finished” and he still looked most confused. Surely even the clueless can take that hint?

I don’t know.

Saying "You have hands" is hardly a pleasant come-on though!

If my partner said that to me I'd tell him to piss off!

A conversation needs to be had outside the bedroom, about what you want in your sex life. You have kept quiet and put up with rubbish sex for 13 years, and you still havn't really talked to your husband about it properly yes, he is extremely selfish, but he won't change unless you explain it to him without getting angry. And he may not ever change. Some men are just horribly selfish lovers. Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck with the chat!

Oops, didn't mean the angry face in my comment!

In my experience so many men dont realise the clitoris is the key to female orgasm. If you haven't said anything until now he's obviously oblivious. Did he have many partners before you? You are going to have to come clean and tell him you've been faking the whole time, and now you have had enough and want to start having orgasms. And you will have to tell / show him exactly what gets you there

Good luck!

The “you have hands” comment was in response to his “I can’t keep going”. I obviously can’t convey tone on a forum but his wasn’t exactly a turn on either.

I’m sorry. I think I’ve been unclear! He does know how to make me cum! He has before when he has bothered to put the effort in! It’s the lack of effort I’m annoyed about. I can’t tell if he doesn’t care or genuinely just thinks I have a good time even if I don’t cum. This time I’m pissed that I expressed I wasn’t satisfied and he played dumb.

This isn't something you can sort overnight but take the lead be clear with him .
I think most people would struggle and there confidence tales a massive knock to be told there shit in bed.

You've reinvented yourself and expect him to be up to speed with you talk to him .

Show him what to do. Show him how you get yourself off and then get him to help. If he’s anywhere half decent that’ll be a massive turn on for him. You could also try insisting on a bit more foreplay so you’re much closer by the time he gets inside you.

Ah @MrsSelfishJackass, I can see that it would be massively frustrating for you, but I think you need to go a bit easier on him! Although you’ve been together a long time, your new found confidence & sexual interest will perhaps take some getting used to for him. You almost could treat this a bit like when you first met. By that, I mean that you both would benefit from saying what you like & dislike and the things you want to try. I think you will have to be patient/kind to each other in order for this to work and for you both to feel that you’ve enjoyed the sex. You’ve had a long period without sex so it is likely that you might be “mismatched” in terms of one might come before the other or have stronger urges. Sit down and talk it through, so that all your hard work and effort isn’t wasted. Good luck OP, I hope things work out for you both.

If you have accepted "roll on roll off" see for years then you can hardly expect him to change his repertoire just because you have found your mojo.
You need to open up a dialogue and discuss what you need from your relationship. Maybe try on of the couple see surveys that are online f you find talking about it directly hard.
Hopefully you can both enjoy your new enthusiasm for fun.

Practice, practice, practice

The more you do it the easier it will become for him to control his orgasm timing.

As a guy who, before it stopped completely, had very infrequent sex, there are ways to slow things down so that DW could orgasm before me.

Tried to talk to him. It didn’t go well. I was nice about it but he really doesn’t like talking about this stuff.

He got embarrassed, then angry, then stormed off.

I was going to agree that if you've been going along with it for all this time it's a bit unfair to get angry now BUT

1. you say he's made you climax before so he knows that you haven't been all this time when he's not been putting the effort in and hasn't done anything about it. That's selfish.

2. has he been living under a rock? There is so much reference in popular culture to how to please (or not) a woman in bed that if he hasn't bothered to check you're enjoying yourself then he has been selfish.

Ok you didn't raise it in the most sensitive way but if he's not going to put the effort in now then he must accept the consequences!

I had this same trouble. I met my DH when we were both 17 and the kind of sex we had then was not for my pleasure. It wasn't bad, he genuinely thought I enjoyed it and I let him believe it. Fast forward two decades I realised I had to put him straight. I was far less abrupt but it still didn't go down well! He didn't change and was now really arsey about it. After trying again many times to address the issue I am now having an affair. And orgasms.