How to switch on!

[JoeJames]

So I have a problem getting turned on with my partner. We have two DC 6 and 9 and after the end of a normal day I just can't get turned on to want my DP. It's all to much (he does lots so it's not him giving me time) but all day people want things I'm running around etc etc, all so normal I'm sure but then how do I switch to vixen straight after bed time stories at 8.30pm. I need an hour or two to calm down and the idea of just coming out of the kids room and getting straight into the mood is jush blagh. Any ideas for how to make a sudden switch from mum to something else?

Bath, candles, glass of wine, aromatherapy oils (jasmine and ylang ylang-ylang are great) and some sexy tunes on a waterproof speaker. Maybe read some erotic fiction while you are in there.

Get your DH to set it up for you while you're doing story time

Or you could try sexting naughty messages to one another during the course of the day?

I tried sexting which could works to get me excited during the day but then DC get back from school and I run around getting stressed and frustrated which takes me right back to zero. Maybe I just have to wait until they are both quite a bit older to get myself back ☹️

@JoeJames
Don't leave it that long or you might not have a marriage or sex life to revive

Morning sex. Why not try having sex early in the morning before the day has had chance to ski out of control and leave you stressed? We tend to make time for things that are important to us. Making time for this, even if it means waking a bit earlier in the day could allow you to enjoy it without the hassles of the day spoiling it for you.

@Sunflowergirl1

I think this is a good point. I have 2 DC and after work, their evening activities, then baths then bedtime then making their lunches and tidying up DW is already in bed. DW claims not to sleep but always looks asleep when I get to bed. From her POV all of the factors conspire to prevent sex but morning sex is also off the agenda.

Anyway from what I have seen on other threads while trying to get my head around this wretched situation (2 years and 4 months of the cold shoulder) in relationships where DW has denied any intimacy, DH has gone right off the idea (or as a man myself I suspect found something else to replace it) and when DW decides it’s again important to their relationship, it’s past the point of saving.

My DC are 8 and 11 and it doesn’t get any easier, next they will be teenagers, up and about later and it’s harder to get intimate with that on your mind , then possibly menopause reducing your libido.

So yes I agree with sunflower girl in that if you don’t acknowledge and work on the problem now you may find yourself in a more dire situation.

Agree that late to bed teenagers are the absolute curse of any kind of sex life!

The flirting / sexting seems like a good idea as it just needs to naturally lead me on its the having to switch once everyone else is done for the day that I find impossible. Problem is with getting set up for the day is I start to get there then something happens (say DD crying as she is being bullied at school etc) and this sets my clock right back to zero as it were and then give me an hour or two in the evening to go from domestic / mother / co worker to sex crazed wife which is to short for me.

He puts the kids to bed and spends the last hour with them whilst you're having a relaxing bath and me time

Maybe I just have to wait until DC are older, even if we are out for a walk and he has his arm round my waist our son will want to be right next to us to tell us about mega lasers or something, so I just can't relax in the company of a "man" in that way which would help get me set up for alone time later in the day.

We had some friends..what looked like an ideal marriage...she was a SAHM...doing all the fitness classes, coffee mornings, shopping (expensive stuff she didn't need) cleaner etc. Husband, accomplished in his field and highly paid. Lovely man, great dad and I often thought she took him very much for granted but thought who knows. What I didn't know of course was their sex life was near dead.

One day he upped and left. He had planned it. Got a house very nearby (no OW) so he could be hands on with the kids despite demanding job.

She was furious....she really hoped to find out there was OW. When she asked to talk to him he said there were things that he didn't like, but the real problem was the lack of intimacy and the feeling like he had to ask. He want going to live like that. She said she would change blah blah...but he was pretty insightful and said he didn't want to force her to change and stuck to his guns

Of course she had to change (in other ways) as the money dried up from what she was used to.

Eventually several years later he met someone, married and very happy

My friend is furious with herself...she didn't see it coming..was engrossed in other things and when it was too late she couldn't do anything about it. Whilst he pays her far more than he needs to, she has a ticking time bomb coming financially once the kids are 18. She lost her ideal life

Is a warning really to nurture your relationship and don't let one down period become the norm

Chores will fill every waking hour if you let them.

Try to make a rule that no chores are done after 9 regardless of the state of the kitchen.

Of course childcare bedtimes take as long as they do but no reason why the odd day cannot be sped along a bit.

Plus make sure the bedroom is passable earlier assuming that is there venue!

Then you don't get distracted!

Once you’re in the mood you’re in the mood even if it takes some ick to get there. My approach when I want to be turned on but I’m not is to hold a hitachi magic wand against my crutch for a couple of minutes and it usually does the trick and I suddenly feel like a right dirty old mare