Got baby, can't be bothered?!

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Before baby my OH and I had a great time. Probably even more so when I was pregnant - raging hormones, not on pill etc!

However, since baby has arrived I just can't be bothered. She's five months. Fully breastfed and we bedshare.

Only thing we can manage really is a quickie which is OK, but I mean a quickie!
It's OK but if I'm being totally honest not that enjoyable. I don't really have any urge to have sex either.

Is this normal?

In my experience yes. You have the man, the house, the baby. With all of this in your subconscious, Why would you be interested in the physical side of your marriage again? Obviously us men don’t understand this because hormonally and subconsciously nothing has changed.

There are ladies on here though who do want more intimacy, who’s husbands or whatever don’t offer them enough. I don’t understand that and from the women I work with they are all of the opinion it’s not something they particularly enjoy. Although one was happy to get it outside of her marriage.

I think it'll come back, OP. When you have a baby all over you all day and night it's hard to want more physical contact. I just wanted to be left alone when I was breastfeeding! In the longer term I went back to my normal self, although it's hard to imagine when you have a little baby.

@Secretsquirrel2017 Well not the house - we're still bloody renting!! I kind of disagree with you though. I enjoy sex just as much as my fiancé (if not more). Well, I used to before baby anyway!

@Nicknamegoeshere

It is often the effect of breastfeeding and hormones..nature's way of stopping you getting pregnant again too soon!

Having said that I breastfed and I was really desperate to have sex again although waited by my 6 week check...guess combination of needing to feel held but also felt really hot

@Nicknamegoeshere you used to but not anymore. I am sure you will get the desire back....in time to make a sibling for your baby.

Your fiancé is lucky if you wanted it more than him in the past. I wish I had met ladies like you and the others who love sex. I just can’t imagine it’s possible. I just don’t know anyone in real life women or friends wives who like sex other than for practical outcomes.

Secretsquirrel2017, or maybe you're not as good as you think? Of course women enjoy sex if it's good. If the man is lazy, inexperienced or sloppy then not so much.

Definitely don't want any more kids - I've got a 13 yo, a 10 yo, and now my new baby!😂😂😂😂

Secretsquirrel2017 - while forums are of course a good safe place to air our grumps and moans I have to say it feels rather like "me, me, me" in here at the moment. Your sex life is shit, from your posts it has always been so and quite frankly it sounds past the point of any sort of saving. You've said you won't leave at the moment yet you sound unhappy, unsatisfied and honestly, bloody bitter. Your wife and the OP are not the same and you are being fairly disingenuous to lump the two together, along with the rest of us women. I certainly don't have sex to snare the man and a house, ffs.

@Colinthedaxi Agree wholeheartedly with everything you have said.
Strangely enough as the main earner by a long way I didn't have to have sex to snare the man / house either! In fact, OH moved in with me after I'd been single for five years. Leaving a very miserable (and sexless) marriage was definitely the right call 😊

@Nicknamegoeshere I think it sounds very normal to me. I think our sexuality and sex drives change a lot throughout our lives. I've always had a high sex drive and love sex. When I had a 5 month old baby in the house it was definitely the last thing on my mind. I was knackered and hormonal and my thoughts were mainly revolving around the baby (and how knackered I was). Now with all kids at least primary aged I'm back to my usual self and DH can't quite keep up with my sex drive. So give yourself a break. It's totally normal to have quieter periods.

@Secretsquirrel2017 my husband used to tell me I only had sex for a purpose. He was actually just shit in bed and I found his constant bad mood, lack of passion for anything other than sleeping/cocaine/drugs and bad hygiene really unattractive.

I've got the kids/house now and am enjoying sex for no purpose with a new man. In fact I can't get enough.

It is norml yes OP. It’s a common side effect of the breastfeeding hormones. You don’t see many lactating animals going into heat eh.

Child rearing takes an ugly toll on sex life which last years rather than months in my experience. It's even debatable if things ever get fully back to former carefree days. Somehow it is worth it.

First baby I didn’t breastfeed and my desire for sex returned very quickly

This time I’m exclusively breastfeeding, baby is 5 months sand it’s definitely affected my desire

However, I know it will come back

I too have always enjoyed it and wanted a lot of it before this

@Wellthatwasashock

Hell with a recommendation like that I struggle to understand why you got married and had kids with the guy.

I can assure you I don’t take drugs or drink heavily, I shower often and have a really clean appearance. I take an active role in looking after my kids, doing my share of the chores and don’t have any other time for the interests i had before children, indeed any paid leave i have is used for their benefit. I might well be crap in bed but after 2 years and 4 months it’s difficult to remember. Of course sex improves with practice but if you don’t practice it’s never going to be good. Do you think it should be an epic performance if it’s only once a year?

@Secretsquirrel2017 surely if that was the case and your wife wasn't attracted to you anymore she would end the relationship herself? Or do you think she likes having you around for helping with the children and finances etc so wants to stay together purely for that? I cant imagine staying in a relationship where sex was completely off the table. After a couple of weeks without I'd be climbing the walls!
Have you considered an open marriage? Does she not realise how this is affecting you? Or does she just not care? Was she like this before marriage?

I do wonder if these suggestions about ending relationships come from some decadent “London” bubble where people earn enough to move out and run 2 households.

@VioletSunset

My guess is that because my DW is indifferent about it, for example she told me once she had never masturbated ever, she doesn’t see it as being important. We have a nice home in a nice place but we both need to work to support it. I think yes I am a convenient provider of childcare and help. After a couple of weeks you would be climbing the walls but imagine if you were a vegan and the butchers shop was closed down? You may well shrug your shoulders and think “so what?”

I really love DW and don’t really fancy anyone else but now I have come to a turning point I would consider another but I think it goes further than a quick shag with another woman. Before marriage it wasn’t great but I always thought it would improve, coming off hormonal contraception for example made no difference, although it was blamed at the time, having time to ourselves didnt improve it. The only time we did it weekly was TTC and then it was “highly important” especially the actual act of PIV. Once pg nothing much until years after when a younger sibling was required. I just absolutely hate that I am in this situation. Why me?

@Secretsquirrel2017 that sounds miserable for you and must affect your self esteem hugely

Only you know what is best but you might be happier divorcing so you can find someone that matches your libido

I couldn’t stay in a relationship where my partner was only interested in sex for baby making purposes

Sorry @Secretsquirrel2017 but I would leave if I were you, sex is a very important part of a relationship for most people, it's not fair for her to expect you to be celibate for the rest of your life. Thankfully my boyfriends libido is as high as mine, and I am very grateful for that after hearing about how many people end up with someone who is on the opposite end of the scale to them! Mine has never dropped, even during pregnancy, breastfeeding, when the DC were newborns etc it's always been high. I'm still young though so maybe that has something to do with it.

@Secretsquirrel2017 I totally agree with @VioletSunset

@Secretsquirrel2017 I obviously didn't know about the drugs or the porn addiction before I married him, or I wouldn't have. But there was a huge change in him which, in hindsight, was probably all drugs related.

But yes, I lived in a London bubble and left him and now we run 2 households. He's shagging his junior at work and seems to have been dragged into doing all the domestic crap for my kids on his weekends, and I've spent the weekend with an amazing new partner. I don't live in London now, the money didn't stretch to 2 London houses and my lifestyle has taken an enormous hit, I struggle as a single mum working part time and juggling the kids... but it was worth it. You've spent SO many months on here complaining about how rejected you feel, life honestly isn't worth it. My bet is if she doesn't want to have sex with you she finds you unattractive (not saying you are, but most women can lie back and think of England) so you won't be upsetting her by leaving. I'm the child of a divorce too, and was much happier when my parents miserable marriage ended. Get out before you go insane.