DP has gone off sex

[clarissanamechanged]

Disclaimer: I wasn't sure whether to post this on Sex or Relationships, so I've posted on both, thinking there may be different viewpoints on each!

For some background - I've been in a long term relationship with DP for 7 years, we were due to get married in May but have had to postpone due to Covid, we have lived together for 3 years. We are both in our early / mid thirties.

Lately, (the past 3 or 4 months,) I feel like he has completely lost his sex drive... to the point where we're currently having sex possibly once or twice a month, at most. And when we do - I guess now because of how long we haven't had sex for - it's over pretty quickly.

He's always been very considerate in bed up until now, and I had actually felt - until this started to happen - that things were getting better and better in that department, and my sex drive was increasing if anything. (Do women hit a prime at 33?!) So I'm keen to kickstart things!

I'm just not sure how to help him do that - I have been trying it on, but when I do he says he's tired or not feeling well or has eaten too much and feels bloated etc. He is a bit overweight and isn't overly happy with himself physically, but I wouldn't say he has put on lots of weight through lockdown or anything like that - his feelings about his weight doesn't solely correlate to this particular time period, and it didn't stop him sexually previously.

I'm now not even trying to initiate sex, because I'm conscious of not pressuring him - and he did make a comment, half jokingly, a few weeks ago that I was pressuring him a bit, so I've backed way off - I'm acutely aware of how I'd feel if I was the bloke and he was the woman in this scenario, and the last thing I want is to be a creep and pressure him. He says at his age (35) it is normal to need at least a few days respite between sessions (more in terms of being able to climax again than getting hard, I think.)

However, he says nothing's wrong, and when I bring up how long it's been away from the bedroom, he just rolls his eyes and says it hasn't been that long, or makes a joke of it and changes the subject.

I don't think I have put on a significant amount of weight or anything like that - though I probably could make a bit more of an effort given the lockdown / WFH situation has stopped quite a lot of dressing up! And I know he isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just not sure how to handle this sensitively in terms of restoring our sex life to what it was. I want to be supportive of any issues he has, but also am not really ok with monthly sex for the rest of eternity with no effort to remedy.

Any advice?

I’m going to comment more from a relationships perspective. How has his life changed over lockdown? Please try and consider all aspects ie health, relationships, career, hobbies, social? He sounds depressed but covering with humour

Does anyone actually do anything intimate these days? My marriage is pretty much dead and buried now. One partner denying the other physical affection just breeds a massive resentment and that eventually kills any passion. It’s been 2 years for us. And DW thinks that’s all fine and dandy.

However the Covid situation is the perfect excuse to distance oneself from ones partner and the business of sex. Stress, depression, fear of transmission, no fear of them looking elsewhere.

If you value your relationship ask him straight what the problem is. His eye rolling and refusal to acknowledge how long it has been is just the exact reaction I get from my “DW”. I don’t mention it anymore but I Deeply resent the situation.

Lack of practice is a huge problem and in the past it would have caused me a similar, ahem... longevity issue. But these days the performance anxiety would most likely manifest its self in ED even though I know when “pleasing myself” everything works as it should.

If you don’t have children I would call it quits because it will not improve that is unless you want to live a miserable celibate existence and feel thoroughly unattractive for the next 30 years.

@Secretsquirrel2017 I'm really sorry to hear about your situation - your post made me really sad.

I just feel we have a good relationship outwith this - and it has only been a few months - so I'm still at the 'how can we fix this' stage, and I am still hopeful it can be remedied. Have you just completely stopped trying with your DW? Would you take any further steps?

Not sure if I should try dressing up etc, to add spice, or if that's just more pressure. I think I will maybe make a move this evening, and if it is rebutted use that as the basis for a real conversation.

@LouiseTrees - I do totally get where you're coming from with this - he's quite a positive person generally, and seems ok in himself other than this.

I don't want to say too much about him as I don't want to be 'outing' - but he has a new job opportunity that he's excited about, and his social life hasn't been affected too much by lockdown, as he doesn't catch up with his friends in person much anyway, he's far more family oriented. We live nearby most of his close family, so he has been able to still see people throughout, even through windows / on walks etc. Health wise, like I say, he is self conscious about his weight, but this was the case been before lockdown and our sex life was fine then. (Our sex life was also really good at the beginning of lockdown, so not a direct correlation in timelines.)

@clarissanamechanged

Yes I have given up trying. Just all the signals are “ leave me alone” DW goes to bed almost fully dressed, pyjamas, cardigan, socks, dressing gown. Every night even when it’s hot. She has a habit of lying on the duvet so that there’s a complete barrier between us. I take that as a good hint. If I go to bed earlier or same time she will scroll Facebook or whatever until she’s had enough then lights out. If I made a move when she’s scrolling she will say “I’m reading” if I waited until she had finished “I want to sleep” if I made a move in the morning she gets up and goes downstairs. So as you can imagine I feel pretty bad about it.

If I didn’t have 2 sons I would leave, if I could afford it I would go and live elsewhere but ofcourse my child taxi service and dropping off at school before i go to work (late) is handy.

I don’t think you need to dress up, if you’re presence doesn’t get him going I don’t think dressing up will help.

Certainly making a move will give you starting point for a conversation. My guess is she will roll his eyes and say “it hasn’t really been that long” but you need to find out what his problem really is.

This is an old cliche but a guy I know very well who lived with a close relative for years split with her. I stayed in touch because we were close friends. This year he married another man who I was also friends with. A happy ending of sorts, I am really pleased for them but also very confusing for my relative. It was actually my relative who broke it off with him and my relative who withheld sex in their relationship (he told me all).

35 is too young to be needing a few days between.

At 49 I appreciate a 'rest' but even so..

Thanks @topcat2014, that's what I thought!

We had a good chat this morning outwith the bedroom, where he acknowledged the issue. He said he wasn't sure if it was a mental health issue relating to lockdown or something else - but he's just having no physical urges at all at the moment. He said usually if we haven't had sex in more than a few days he'd be feeling tense / worked up, but he isn't at all just now - and also the feeling of even becoming semi-aroused when brushing past etc isn't happening for him anymore.

Also, interestingly, no 'morning glory' at all during this time, which to me points to something more physical / hormonal?

He suggested himself possibly going to a GP, which reassured me a bit. Now I'm just worried there is something more serious at play.

@Secretsquirrel2017 Do you think your DW would be open to talking with you outside the bedroom? Possibly speaking to a GP? It seems so sad to continue this way for the sake of finances / your children.

@clarissanamechanged

I have tried to talk about it before. She just rolls her eyes, Denys it has been 2 years, says she hasn’t been counting, lists many reasons she hasn’t thought about it or felt like it.

I guess it’s a bit like me complaining to a vegetarian that the butchers shop is closed.

The butchers shop is closed, so what? why is that a problem?

As a medical professional herself, I seriously doubt she would want to bother with a visit to a GP to discuss something that really isn’t a problem to her.

I know that anecdotally from other women in her life, mother, sister, friends. Their husbands are seen as some kind of pests who are always up for it and must be, at best, tolerated. Reading other posts on a MN it’s “dirty” “messy” “a hassle” etc..

I am too proud to keep on badgering and too nice to make any ultimatums

When her “BFFs” husband left her for another woman it was “most definitely nothing to do with their sex life or lack of” in fact it was evidently he who wasn’t interested (told in retrospect), however, my guess is this was in the years he was finding the intimacy and appreciation elsewhere.

Post the break up the lady in question suddenly encountered something of a libido renaissance, which is nice for her (and the young men) although she is somewhat bitter about the break up of her marriage especially since her exh was very well remunerated. (That really is the crux of it).

@Secretsquirrel2017 Sorry to ask, but did your DW enjoy sex previously? I've found in past relationships when sex has been less satisfying I've made those types of excuses, but when I know it's good I miss it / want it!

DP and I actually did the deed this morning - no pressure, a bit of a cuddle and kiss without any expectation this morning worked wonders. Will see how the next few days go, but hopefully helps the mental aspect if he's been worried about performance.

Are you and DW still physically intimate at all? Understand your pride and also wanting to not pressure. But maybe suggest a massage / back rub for her to take the stress off, and see if she still enjoys relaxing / being touched. Maybe starting out without the expectation of sex might stir something.

Thanks for your reply

I am pleased you and your DP have enjoyed some physical affection. I find it difficult to imagine how he would be happy to exist without long term unless finding that kind of thing elsewhere. Long May it continue for you.

Did DW ever enjoy sex? I can only presume she did once.
Although in the last 28 years I can pretty much remember every time we DTD because it really hasn’t been that frequent, I have always tried to make sure she has an orgasm which when not practicing often can be difficult. But in the beginning it wasn’t just PIV. I always enjoyed giving oral although have never received it from her.

Even before we lived together it wasn’t frequent except for perhaps: when we first met, then when getting our first home, before marriage and of course trying to conceive, which was very easy.

Even our honeymoon was bereft, once as I recall. And when going on our first holidays when being together might have led to more sex, it didn’t happen for one reason or another.

Are we physically intimate? No not really I get the odd hug on her terms.

Women laugh about “grumpy men syndrome” but when you start to realise the last 20 years has been a bit of a lie and the next 20 won’t be any better it kind of gets to you.

@Secretsquirrel2017
Omg that is tragic.
Dont let that be your next 20 years. Let her be with someone who also doesnt want sex. And let yourself be with someone who enjoys you fully. ...
Don't die before you are dead

@Secretsquirrel2017 - I agree with @Toohardtofindaproperusername.

Could you have a conversation with her where you make it clear that it's a deal breaker for you, in that you don't want your next 20 years to be like this? It's beyond sad, and I wonder if she would try to establish why she feels like this, or speak to a GP / whatever, if you were less accepting.

So far DP and I's activity has been a one off - but I'm happier that we've talked about it and that he will potentially go and speak to a GP if needed. I'm at least not worried now that this will be an issue for the next 20 years without him taking any action to remedy it - and if it was I'd likely have more to say about it.

Similar situation here. DH has just given up in the last 12 months.
He always had the higher sex drive and was therefore frequently rejected and I guess he just got fed up after a while, so now has lost all interest and our sex life has ceased. I can have it if I want it, but it's just duty sex on his part.

Similar situation here. DH has just given up in the last 12 months.
He always had the higher sex drive and was therefore frequently rejected and I guess he just got fed up after a while, so now has lost all interest and our sex life has ceased. I can have it if I want it, but it's just duty sex on his part.

Similar situation here. DH has just given up in the last 12 months.
He always had the higher sex drive and was therefore frequently rejected and I guess he just got fed up after a while, so now has lost all interest and our sex life has ceased. I can have it if I want it, but it's just duty sex on his part.

@MrsTombliboo Sorry to hear. How are you feeling about that? It's good I suppose that you are still having sex when you want to - is he still enjoying that once it's initiated, or do you feel it's just going through the motions? Can't imagine that would be nice 😢

I can see how maybe if he's been really fed up initiating and being rejected, has now given up and is just waiting on you initiating now?

My DP doesn't have any interest in going through the motions, think he's worried about his physical ability to do so.

@MrsTombliboo

Are you happy about this? Do you have any regrets about steering your relationship in the direction you wanted it to go in? Would you be surprised if DH is finding the sexual stimulation elsewhere whether it’s with other women or men? IRL or online?

[quote Secretsquirrel2017]@MrsTombliboo

Are you happy about this? Do you have any regrets about steering your relationship in the direction you wanted it to go in? Would you be surprised if DH is finding the sexual stimulation elsewhere whether it’s with other women or men? IRL or online?[/quote]
No, I'm not happy with it. I took his interest for granted over the years and now he's not bothered, I'm suddenly the one wanting and needing it.
The few times we've tried, he's gone through the motions, but it;s been rubbish as his heart has not been in it, and whilst he can perform perfectly, well, he doesn't cum and just wates for me to have had enough.
For this reason I don't bother any more and we're no longer having sex, which is not great at all.
I've asked him about it and he eventually, after me having to drag it out of him, admitted he was fed up of not feeling wanted or desired and like a sex pest, which led to long term resentment and him losing interest in me sexually. I asked him if he still fancied me and he says that he does, but there is now this emotional block he can't get past. This has lead to a general loss of libido where he is now focusing his attentions to hobbies and other interests, leaving me high and dry.
Not sure where to go with it.
I never really thought about it - he was always up for it and I was always tired or not in the mood as it was always on tap. it still is on tap, but in a totally different and unsatisfactory way.

It’s unfortunate for you but maybe not completely irreversible. I can see myself in the same situation as your DH. The resentment is already there and deep anxiety about performance. For me it’s been 2 years and 4 months. I can’t imagine if DW did have a change of heart it would be very successful but I live in hope. For me though the longer without is making me the situation worse it’s the big elephant in the room and I am now somewhat preoccupied with it.

If you can persuade your DH that you do desire him again maybe the resentment will subside. Go away with him to a holiday let away from his diversion. You may think he is channeling his attentions into hobbies, stamp collecting or whatever but my guess is he is masturbating a lot or finding it elsewhere. Cards on the table here, It’s a need and if not met in the marriage something has to replace it and hobbies won’t replace it.