Circumstantially celibate and lockdown

[trancepants]

My marriage ended over 6 years ago when my DS was a young toddler. I haven't had sex since and at times I go through a period where I absolutely yearn like crazy for sex. It's happening now just as we return to lockdown and I feel like I'm just humming with unsatisfied sexual energy.

Tbh, my marriage wasn't very sexually satisfying as it was. My DH and I could have amazing sex but in hindsight I can see that even when I met him he was a functioning alcoholic and didn't have much sex drive due to this. This was something I found very upsetting at times throughout our marriage as I have a naturally very high sex drive. We had sex 3 times in the last few months of our marriage and hadn't for 2 and a half years before that. At times before that, it wasn't unusual to go for a whole year without sex. I don't quite know how the hell I settled into such an utterly, utterly unsatisfying relationship. Even before I was aware of how much of a problem his drinking was, I knew I was deeply unsatisfied with our sex life.

And now I find myself single with absolutely no interest in another relationship. I utterly love my life. I enjoy single parenthood. I have an amazing physical hobby that I find very satisfying. I have good friends who I adore and an extremely close relationship with my family. But every so often I feel like I'm going to go crazy from not having sex. I love sex, I had so much fantastic sex when I was younger. I enjoyed sex in relationships, one night stands, sex-buddy situations, etc. But for some reason now, I just can't find a way to make sex part of my life.

I've looked online and I don't feel comfortable at all with it, because I have a very, very strong suspicion that most men my age on these sites (early 40s), are cheating on their wives. Younger men (and I mean 30s, not children) get all fucking weird about my age, and say shit about being 'into hot older women' or even worse have MILF fantasies, and that's about as sexy for me as herpes. What's worse is that I have a couple of divorced female friends who have gone down the online dating route and they get so hung up on it. Their lives seem less satisfying because they end up caring too much about some shitty guy. And I absolutely hate the thought of re-introducing sex into my life and having it make me feel less satisfied in the life I have now.

I don't really know what the hell the point of this thread is. Just that going into a period of enforced separation from absolutely everyone, just as I'm buzzing with unfulfilled sexual energy is driving me pretty nuts this morning and I need to rant!

You need to take a chance to meet someone and move on

Try phone sex for the duration of lockdown and then when it's all over revisit the dating scene.

OP, you have needs; nothing wrong with that. The time has come to try and find someone who can fulfill them.

@trancepants - you are not alone!

Admittedly, I have had sex this year, but not since March, as I've found it incredibly difficult to meet anyone, mainly because of lockdown, but also because of my age (58), and probably looks (my older brother, Quasimodo, got all the good looks... )

I am on all the online dating apps, plus a few ,er, adult ones , but it's very very difficult to meet anyone. I'd say it's much easier for a woman, but you are absolutely right about being careful - there are a lot of cheats / players out there, so tread with caution.

I'd say think about what you want. Is it just (casual) sex (I.e. ons, FB FWB), or are you looking for or something longer term?

Depending on where you are, and the restrictions currently in place, I'd suggest joining a few dating apps, and write your profile accordingly. I'm certain you will have a queue of guys willing to help you out!

or you could pm me

Seriously though, if you want a male perspective, feel free to ask.

Meaningless sex is very easy to find. Meaningful sex is very difficult to find and there are a lot of (married) men out there selling dreams.

When lockdown is over I recommend finding activities/clubs that generally have the type of guys you like, but aren't geared towards dating and don't be scared to make the first move.

I'm in the same boat - to the point its making me ill! I do have a partner but I can't see him due to lockdown plus he suffers from diabetes related ED and I need sex a couple of times a day at least just to stay sane! I'm also 48 and keep reading posts from women who have gone off it and it makes me feel like a freak I'm not into casual sex as I have a stupid disease that makes my body ugly, but if someone could just give me some ideas to cope!!!

I'm also 48 and keep reading posts from women who have gone off it and it makes me feel like a freak

You are not a freak at all - I am 47 and love sex! Probably enjoy it more than I ever have. Sex drive died off for many a year and came bang with an absolute bang about three years ago. I love it!

Not all men in their 40s on dating sites can be married. If you meet someone - tell them that if the relationship progresses you will need to see them at their house. That will weed out the married ones.

@TheSnootiestFox - Sorry about your partner.

I can't imagine what the disease has done to your body, but if you wanted to go the casual sex route, there absolutely will be someone out there that finds you attractive, and will want to dtd with you, but you have to put yourself out there.

Take it from me, if a guy likes you enough to want to get naked / dtd with you, a few lumps / bumps / scars / whatever isn't going to put him off.

You could consider some lingerie that hides the worst of it, and tell any prospective partner that you prefer sex wearing it. I doubt anyone will object!

@nearertonature - there are a lot of cheats / players out there, making life even more difficult for us genuine guys. I like the idea of telling someone you need to see them at their house! However, just because they won't, doesn't mean they are cheating.

I recently dated a woman with two pre-teen children - she didn't want to introduce another man into their life until she was sure of the relationship, so didn't want anyone in her home. I'm pretty certain she wasn't married.

I'm not married, but my (adult) daughter is currently living with me, as she is in a high risk category, and it's easier for her to shield here than with her mum, so I don't want anyone in my home, so it's not always a definite indicator.

@AverageGuy - Thanks xx but I've got stage 3 lipoedema. Its my arms and legs that are the worst of it so there's no escape. I'll just have to deal with it somehow

@TheSnootiestFox - oh! I'm so sorry! That must be awful for you. I didn't mean to make light of it in any way...

Lets hope the campaign to make surgery more available hits home..

@AverageGuy thank you again and a huge yes to the surgery campaign. Although it'll be too late for me my grandaughters might benefit. Its completely ruined my life......