Anyone else not enjoy sex?

[Josie1968]

Feel guilty! Married 24 years and I have absolutely no interest at all, unfortunately my husband does!

Are you sure you are doing it right?

Do you climax?

Starlight it doesn’t matter if you climax if you don’t actually really have the desire to do it in the first place.

OP 20+ years married and I’d rather have an early night and a decent sleep than have to bother.
At the weekend I get up at the crack of dawn (or earlier) so I don’t have to go through him asking, me saying I don’t want to, him either sulking or repeatedly trying to get me to change my mind.
I actually feel dead from the waist down. A combination of constantly low iron, menopause, antidepressants and a couple of health issues. DH finds me irresistible apparently, I wish he didn’t because I’d happily never bother again.

@Idoknowwhatyoumean - Quality sex, regardless of whether it is in a 20+ years long term relationship, or a strictly one off (both can be equally good) is about passion. It is not something we “give” to men.

If you know someone is going to sulk or try to persuade you to change your mind that is coercion. Coercian and passion are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Of course anti-depressants are going to take a toll on most people’s sex lives, but there is a bigger picture there. It goes beyond not enjoying sex.

@Idoknowwhatyoumean same 🙁 used to enjoy it .. but too tired these days, too much stuff going on and feel like we hardly see each other due to work etc .. x

If it's something that you can find a balance with in the relationship and both parties can accept it then there is no problem. No-one should feel obliged to do it if they don't want to. Equally however, if it is an important part of the/a relationship for the other party then that is clearly going to wind up being a problem.

What’s the worse kind of coercion: trying to persuade your wife to have sex with you or condemning your husband to life long celibacy without discussion?
One seems overt and often railed against. The other seems more covert and it’s insidious and corrosive effects very casually overlooked.

I think it is definitely a problem that you need to address and not ignore.

Unilaterally ending your sexual relationship will make your partner miserable, particularly if you are doing it by just avoiding everything.

Of course, if you don't care about your partner being miserable it probably suggests there are other things wrong too.

I don’t really enjoy it either. I never have an orgasm and even with PIV I don’t feel much.

I'm with you. Sex is overrated, messy, a hassle and just a bit shit. My last relationship ended because I had gone off it. My partner had halitosis so guess what, I didn't find him sexy. Of course it was all 'my fault' though and that i'm the one who has 'issues'.

If i'm honest, being single is a relief for me because I just can't be doing with being pestered for it. I think i'm definitely on the asexual spectrum somewhere definitely as i've got older.

Do you masturbate at all?

Do you have no interest in sex at all or is it that you don't have any sexual desire for your partner?

God- I wish. I'm driving my partner mad currently as I'm a three times a day girl and he suffers from ED! In my experience, and I'm sorry to say this, if you go off it it's because you're with the wrong man. Have you always felt this way?

@5pForAPlasticBag

What’s the worse kind of coercion: trying to persuade your wife to have sex with you or condemning your husband to life long celibacy without discussion? One seems overt and often railed against. The other seems more covert and it’s insidious and corrosive effects very casually overlooked.

I think they're as bad as each other.

I think coercion is terrible, nobody has an entitlement to someone else's body.

Similarly, sexless marriages are cruel. And it's a nasty manipulation to keep someone who loves you hanging on with fake hope.

What’s the worse kind of coercion: trying to persuade your wife to have sex with you or condemning your husband to life long celibacy without discussion?

Quite. I have read really heartbreaking accounts from women and men on here when their spouses no longer want to have sex with them - about how it destroys the self-esteem and confidence of the spouse who does want sex - and all the intimacy that comes with that - the humiliation of trying to talk to your spouse about this and feeling like you are begging for sex.

Of course no-one is entitled to another person's body. But if you no longer want sex and your partner does - then you need to either accept the relationship has to end or allow them to get the physical (and associate emotional) intimacy they crave from someone else.

I think coercion is terrible, nobody has an entitlement to someone else's body

And I guess it depends what you mean by coercion. What the refusing spouse may call coercion the other spouse may regard as a humiliating attempt to get their partner to understand what a sexless marriage feels like to them and how important the sexual side of the relationship is to them.

@nearertonature By coercion I mean taking away a person's ability to refuse.

I agree it is very very tough to draw the line, it is so complicated. I'm married myself and have supported colleagues when it's become an issue at work.

Ultimately the way forward is empowering both people to say no. Particularly empowering the person who wants sex to say no to the sexless marriage and build a new life for themselves.

Both people are often trapped by the same things, children and financial commitments.

Quite often, when I've helped someone to leave the other partner suddenly wants intimacy again. Is that coercion? Offering sex to stay? Or was it coercion demanding sex to not leave? Neither? Both?

It's not coercion saying ' if the marriage is like this I cannot stay in it' (as long as what you want from the marriage is what one can reasonably expect from a marriage, such as emotional support, fair sharing of workload, sexual intimacy). That's just being honest and open about what you need from a marriage. It gives the other partner a fair basis on which to make their own decision about the marriage.

Offering sex to stay? I think that says something was badly wrong in the relationship in the first place. If you knew your partner wanted sexual intimacy, and you were refusing sex for years, but you are prepared to have sex (as shown by 'offering' it late in the day) that kinda says you weren't listening to or respecting what your partner was telling you. And that indicates much deeper issues in the relationship that the absence of sex was just a manifestation of, I think.

I believe there are many subconscious decisions made around a libido the initial stages of a relationship. Further down the line once dependence’s are in place it’s easy to lose them from the subconscious and lose them. When the threat of the loss of the requirements becomes evident the subconscious Returns the libido. But the reality is the libido will still wane once the dependency returns.

It’s unfair for one party to expect the other to desire them but the lack of the other parties desire is hateful and will only result in deep set resentment. Sex isn’t just transactional, it isn’t just an act one side wants but should just do without.

It’s unreasonable to expect your partner to start stamp collecting to take his mind off it.

If you really have gone of the “sordid” and “disgusting” business. Be honest and set him free.

I guess we communicate very rarely. We both work.. my husband is exhausted when he gets home, he has a physical job so goes to bed around 8pm to chill, play on his tablet or watch programmes etc. I stay up a bit. My job isn’t physically demanding but it is very emotionally demanding. I work a lot of hours in my own time without pay which my husband really resents, I can’t help it though. It’s just part and parcel of the job that I do. He moans about his job, I listen and try and talk to him about it. I moan about my job.. he has a go at me for working extra hours in my own time and calls me a mug! There are so many things but it would take forever to write about it all. I feel like a single person sometimes as we have so little connection.. I have actually said to him in the past that I feel I (and the kids) have held him back from leading the life he would have liked and said to him to leave if he wants to.. but he said he didn’t want to leave. The only thing he talks about is politics and moaning about his job. He talks to the dog more than me. Recently a friend asked him where and how he’d proposed.. he told her, then said ‘I wish she’d said no!’ .... I don’t know whether he was joking or not, as he’s a very dry sense of humour. But anyway I wasn’t too impressed. So that’s why I never feel like have sex. We have no emotional connection.

So it isn’t that you have no interest in sex per se but you have no interest in sex with your husband who you no longer feel attracted to, because of his behavior towards you?

You shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You should probably explain to him how you feel and stop having unwanted sex immediately. Explain you are no longer attracted to him and either make an ultimatum or if you feel you will never be attracted to him again explain be prepared to walk away.

If you continue to have unwanted sex that’s not fair on you and not fair on DH that he is going through the motions with someone who doesn’t enjoy it.

Just out of interest did he become disconnected emotionally recently? Had the physical side of things already stated to wane?

I had loss of libido in my early 20s I stopped dating as a result because I just couldn’t imagine having sex with anyone. It turned out that I had/have a pituitary tumour that secretes too much prolactin. I was treated with drugs and within 4 weeks I was like a cat on heat.
I don’t particularly like taking the meds so once the levels are back to normal I stop taking them. I usually get 2-3 yrs before the levels go up again.
Anyway, the high prolactin levels basically put you into a temporary menopause.
I’m not really sure what triggers the tumour because it has had periods of dormancy but stress seems to be a common feature. It also kicked in post pregnancy.
I’m now well into the menopause years and had been assured that the tumour would stop causing problems after menopause so had not considered that the menopause symptoms over the last 5 yrs were anything but that. I had to undergo tests again due to relative having pituitary problem ( looks like it’s a genetic thing) and my prolactin was sky high again. So back on the drugs and back comes my libido with a vengeance. DH doesn’t know what’s hit him.
My advice to anyone with a drop in libido is to get your hormone levels checked. If you are peri menopausal it may be worth HRT if you can take it. GPs are not interested in your sex life but early HRT is now seen as a method of preventing/slowing the onset of osteoporosis along with possibly heart disease. It may also help with the mood swings/depression seen in menopause.

@Angrymum22 that is interesting thank you.