Sex for the first time in 20 years

[PanHaggerty]

I'm quite embarrassed about this, which is why I've name-changed, but I'm posting in Sex rather than Relationships because I want to focus on the here and now situation, not the whys and wherefores.

For various reasons relating to my mental health, I haven't had sex for about 20 years. I'm now seeing a man and it's looking like sex will be on the cards fairly soon, and although I really, really want to do it, I'm worried that I won't be able to remember what to do! Also that things have changed so much in the last two decades (!) that I don't even know what expectations guys have going into a sexual relationship these days.

I have reasonable self-esteem and have had a lot of therapy and treatment, but I'm still not crazy about my body. But if I sit around and wait until I love myself before I get into any sort of relationship, I'll probably never have sex again, and as I said, I'm pretty keen on this guy!

I don't want to dump all this on him straight away, so I was just wondering how to approach it. I'm so inexperienced I might as well be a virgin, and I don't feel confident with stuff like giving a BJ or being able to go on top. If I were to say something like "It's been a while since I've done this, so can we take it gently?" (without specifying just how long) or even suggested that I'd find it really sexy for him to take the lead, would that be off-putting to most men?

@noego Thanks for that bit of information. I did not know that and it explains a lot.

Some sex things have changed in the last 20 years. What you might notice most is that he is very likely to want to go down on you. It's also true that he is more likely to want anal than men were before. But it's still the case that if he asks for anal the first time you have sex you should dump him immediately. That hasn't changed :)

Oh no OP, that's horrible, what a twat.

Op, wish you all the best. Enjoy!!

Aagh please ignore my last message. I hadn't read the whole thread.

That’s rubbish OP I’m so sorry. I have to say I’m in a similar set up to you (feel free to message as I think we are in the same boat) lost my virginity to a one night stand in my early twenties and has sex a handful of times to a man I had a fling with not long after that. Beyond that I’ve had the odd drunken snog, and a few mostly naked fumbles. I’ve enjoyed it mostly but never felt confident or fully comfortable.

The only feedback I can give you as an outsider:

1. You shouldn’t put yourself down, all this “he’s really sexy and I’m sure he knows what he’s doing” etc is not fair on yourself. You have to believe you’re sexually attractive and worthy of good sex

1. Him ghosting could mean he’s not as kind and gentle as you originally thought??? Do you need to tap into your intuition more?

Or maybe he would have ghosted anyway! I got ghosted last week from a man who instigated is getting together!

Good luck! Keep us posted, I’m very impressed with you putting yourself out there.I fully relate to the not really feeling comfortable about oral or going on top or instigating etc etc
Xxx