How do you raise sex issues with your DP?

[RaspberryHartleys]

We've been together 3 years, early 30s, no kids.

Our sex life has begun to struggle. We're usually a twice a week ish couple, in the past we've used toys, erotica, dress up and dipped our toes into outdoor sex.

We've had sex twice since the beginning of July. Ive tried coming on to him, making the first move and he just brushes me off. I've tried taking the pressure off and sorting out indoor date nights with no sex and also letting him "catch" me in the act so to speak. Ive also backed off completely for over a month in case this was a temporary blip. Nothing seems to work. And he doesnt seem phased by the sudden significant drop at all.

How do you broach the conversation that you think there may be a problem? I dont want to put any pressure on him but I would like to understand if this is a good amount for him, or if hes upset about something or is looking for something else from me. Im a bit worried about adding pressure or inadvertedly suggesting he has a problem. Or am I overreacting? Is this too soon for me to be worrying?

Any thoughts?

"Hey DP, is there a reason we're having less sex these days? Anything bothering you?"

Casual. Non-judgmental. Honest. Communication.

Then see what he says...

It's important that you discuss your sex life from time to time, just as you discuss money, kids, holidays, who unloads the dishwasher etc etc. It needs work, a satisfactory sexual relationship does not come about by magic. If discussing it is routine then broaching problems is much easier.

A sudden drop off in libido like your DP sounds like depression/stress. If a man is stressed he may struggle to perform and this can get into a downward spiral, his inability to perform makes his depression worse and so he is even less likely to be able to have satisfactory sex and so becomes more depressed etc.

You have tried the usual remedy, which is to back off until he gets desperate and his desire can't be resisted. So you need to sit him down and ask what's wrong - don't let things drift, it's easy for sex to fall off the agenda when you have young dc but LTRs are much more likely to endure if the sexual spark is nurtured.

Do you do your share of the household chores Op? This usually gets mentioned on threads like this. In my case it made no difference once I started doing a lot more work around the house!

Thanks all.

I tried to raise it with a general "how are you feeling about our sex life" angle. He shut it down pretty quickly but did mention that he's struggling with his mood currently (not surprising given the pandemic!)

I guess it may be a wait and see rather than a one and done conversation. Thanks for your advice.

@DrDreReturns yep, i definitely pull my weight there, but thanks for the idea

@DrDreReturns

I think the more you do and the more comfortable you make things the less interest you will get from a disinterested DP. My theory is the libido exists in the subconscious. Various milestones in life; want of new relationship, first house, marriage, TTC, TTC siblings subconsciously stir the libido. Once those milestones are achieved and in between, then there’s no need for the ghastly business of ......meh SEX.