Things that go bump in the night

[Anon5099]

Ok. So I’m a guy at 34 and since I was 20 I’ve had sexomnia.
Basically It’s a sleep disorder where you do sexual acts in your sleep (a bit like sleep walking). It’s usually happens when I’m sleep deprived and also if I have lots of alcohol.
I know some people may find this pervy and “an excuse” for a man but believe me it’s not, and if I could get rid of it I would.

This only happens occasionally (around once a month) and my wife Is very understanding as she says it makes her feel desired and wanted. It can range from touching intimately, kissing, or even full sex. Sometimes I can fall fast asleep then in 20 minutes wake up during an episode and be like “ok what’s happening”.

Me and my DW have a very active sex life and she swears it doesn’t bother her and tells me I can wake her up for sex whenever I want (even though I’m asleep).

I know that some people may find this creepy and intrusive as I agree that everyone should be able to sleep without being touched but it’s TOTALLY uncontrollable. I can count myself lucky that my wife is very understanding.

I understand this is a sensitive subject For obvious reasons.

Has anybody else come across this condition?? Or has been with anybody with it??

I’ve done a lot of research on it and found it not as uncommon as first thought.

Please be gentle with me

Your wife seems to like it so I wouldn’t stress yourself out. Does it only occur with her? For example if you were sharing a bed with say another family member, nothing awry would occur I hope? If it could then it may be more urgent to resolve before you have DC.

Thank you for your reply. No it has always been with sexual partners only I’ve shared a bed with mates on weekends away and nothing has happened (I’m sure of this as they would never let me hear the end of it). It’s like if there’s a possibility of sex and a willing participant then my subconscious self takes over.

I would just love to talk to someone who may have this and I’m not worried as this is totally under control and nobody else is at risk at all and if that wasn’t the case I would of Sought help From the very start.

Don't kid yourself that it is 'totally under control'. The fact that you state that it most often happens when you have had 'lots of alcohol' suggests that there is a lack of control somewhere in this situation.

My partner experiences this. with his other partner, they had a sex a few times and she didn't realise that he was asleep. with me, he'll often briefly initiate something (like, get on top of me and kiss me), but then roll off. the thing i find confusing at the time, because i'm half asleep, is that he will also have a conversation, so i don't always realise immediately that he's doing it in his sleep, until the conversation takes a weird turn.

most of the research we've all done though suggests that isn't a huge amount that can be done for it - it's basically like sleep walking or other parasomnia, it just comes out in a different way. If he was forceful, I think it would scare me - but i think his conscious self (which is respectful of boundaries and consent) is still under there when he's asleep, so if i say 'no' or roll him off me, he accepts that and goes back to sleep (sometimes after a bit of a nonsense chat).

from my reading on it, it's generally not indicative of anything underlying in terms of unhappiness or dissatisfaction with sex life, but a response to 'real life' factors (alcohol, or stress, as you say), and working out those triggers is the way to resolve it.

Thank you WishfulDaydreamer.
It sounds like I’m exactly like your DP. Me and my wife always talk when it happens and as embarrassing it is she says Im never forceful or cross the line at any point which I guess we are lucky because in some cases I’ve read The man OR woman can become violent.

What help are you seeking?

My husband does this and I've never thought of it as being something "wrong" or being a disorder or even something that other people do! So this is quite interesting!
He also does a lot of loud sleep chomping, knuckle cracking and the occasional conversation that I like to note down so i can tell him in the morning and laugh at him.
I don't fall asleep quickly so I read for at least an hour before i fall asleep.
If im not interested in his advances I tend to give him a nudge or just ignore him and he usually loses interest and rolls back over, goes back to chomping...
He tends to wake up at some point during. And after hes usually like "where did that come from? "
It doesn't bother me, he finds it a bit embarrassing sometimes when I tell him we had sex and he doesn't remember
Whats your sleep like otherwise op? Any other weird goings on?

This happened to me once and frankly I was raped. I had no chance to consent to it and at no point did I feel like I could stop it from happening.

Sure, I think if both members of a couple say it's ok then so be it, but it being ok once isn't a consent permanently and I'd sleep in a separate room to ensure I always had control - if really no actual help can be sought.

My husband had this when he was he was going through a particularly stressful time. At first I found it quite nice, but after a while it made me exhausted. Being woken up at 2/3/4am for sex regularly just caused havoc with my sleep.

I should add that this stopped after a couple of years and hasn't happened in a very long time.

@Alonelonelyloner - I’m really sorry to hear that happened to you. It’s awful.

My partner is terrified of doing this. He did actually seek therapy, but was told that it isn’t really the right route. We talk about it a lot - and he told me that he did it sometimes very early in in our relationship so I could decide how i felt.

You must have felt very powerless, and I can imagine how scary it was. I’m so sorry

@wishfuldreamer thank you for that. Really. It means a lot. For a long time he argued that I must've enjoyed it and was just being a complaining asshole. It hurt a lot.

I'm now really a bit 'side eye' about it with sufferers of this because I don't think they realise quite how catastrophic it can be. And often women and men (but especially women) are trained to just put up with things. And I don't know how you can ever really know if what you're doing when you're asleep is actually ok.

big hugs

I'd be so upset if that was my partner's reaction - and i think the sexsomnia isn't the only problem in that kind of reaction. it says something much bigger about the person and their attitude towards their lover in general. I hope you're ok these days.

@Alonelonelyloner

I’m so sorry to hear that this happened to you and I can only imagine how this made you feel I really am sorry and his reaction was disgusting. If my wife said I’d cross the line or she didn’t consent I would be devastated and I’d probably go and live in isolation for the rest of my life.

To be honest I was in two minds to post this as I knew it would send trigger warnings and it wasn’t my intention to cause distress.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply. 👍