Will BDSM always be a part of your life?

[AmayaJ]

The guy I'm seeing had an ex/fwb who he was in some sort of BDSM relationship with. He didn't tell me this, its something I suspected and when I asked him about it he confirmed it. He's very cagey about it and wont go into any details. He says its cos he doesn't want that with me and doesn't want to go into details about it because he thinks it might upset me and he doesn't want me thinking thats what he wants from me. But I'm really interested and want to know what exactly he was into with her, what they did. Not from being jealous about his ex type thing, more for an understanding of him.
Beyond a bit of spanking/being tied up, I really have no idea about this kind of thing. But I think their relationship went way beyond this softer side into much more full on BDSM dom/sub type thing. And when he says he doesn't want that kind of relationship with me at all- it's making me question why! He's slept around a lot and not really had a serious relationship before (he is mid 30s). I feel like he's saying he cant be that way with me because he wants something serious with me and BDSM to him, is something to do with someone you don't want a relationship with! Like he's trying to separate that side of him from our relationship.
I want him to be himself with me and I don't want to be constantly thinking he wants more and he doesn't want it from me, so he's going to look elsewhere for that satisfaction. But I'm really not into the harder side of BDSM at all, so if he did want a full on sub/dom relationship with me, thats not something I can give him.
Any thoughts? Can you be that into BDSM then just cut it out your life and be content with that?

He probably got into it because of his ex and not because it was his idea.

I think you should drop the subject to be honest. He said he didn't want it with you so there's nothing else to discuss. It's his past, I'd hate to be questioned about my previous sex life.

Hmmm... good point, hadn't even thought about that. I was just assuming it was something he had wanted and instigated with her, but maybe it could have been the other way round.
Maybe I am reading too much into it all and being insecure.

In the nicest possible way, I don’t think it’s any of your business, you are asking him to describe his previous sex life to you In detail 😬 how would you feel if he asked you to describe everything you had ever done with a partner? What you decide to do between yourselves is up to you but you can’t base that on what he has done with someone else.

Has their been any hint of BDSM in your relationship...ie the light tieing up/spanking you mention...or is he steering completely clear?

I can understand why you're curious, but equally PPs do have a point about it being personal and perhaps not something he instigated.

I think in your shoes I'd just try and find a way of making it clear that I was open to talking about it if it was something he wanted to explore at some point, and then otherwise leave it alone.

Peoples likes and dislikes re sex do change so its probably absolutely nothing to worry about.

Please ignore my atrocious spelling/grammatical errors!

Ok, maybe I'm overstepping by wanting to know.

He is very dominant in bed as in takes the lead etc. He has tied me up and has used a soft flogger at my request. He's really giving in bed and concentrates on my pleasure.
One time he kinda lost control and was quite rough with me. It was nothing I didn't consent to. But after he felt really bad and apologised and seemed quite upset about it... so I dont know...

And when we were going through some stuff a few months ago he got drunk, called her and invited her over. He said nothing happened and he sent her home. That's a whole other thing but it's the going back to 'her' and what their relationship was that makes me concerned about him wanting more but not being up front about it.

Oh dear...in that it sounds like it might be a much bigger issue tbh

I agree. The fact that he invited her over is a much bigger issue. That sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and therefore you are at risk of him messing you around.

I think a full-on BDSM relationship is very rarely, if ever, a good thing. If they uphold mutual respect and equality at all, they do so in a very strange, inverted sort of way, and it's far, far to easy for the dominant person to get out of hand and become abusive. I think BDSM ought to stay in the bedroom.

I was going to say that he may not wish to do the same things with you simply because you are a different person, and there are things - sexual and non-sexual - that he would do with you that he wouldn't have done with her. But given your last post, it sounds as if he doesn't know what he wants, this other relationship has confused him, and therefore you need to be careful and set some boundaries for yourself if you continue the relationship at all.

I don’t know... I think any kind of kink in a relationship depends on the two people involved. I’m into some relatively serious stuff but only with the right person - if my partner wasn’t experienced/skilled/into it already; there’s no way I would be looking to introduce it. I can’t tell you if I could live without it but I can tell you I have had some incredible vanilla sex and some horrible kink experiences.

I’ve met a lot of men for whom the experience is great but the ingrained misogyny that “only a slut could enjoy that, a nice girl wouldn’t” means they struggle in a long term relationship.

I think it’s a bad sign that he called her up when you two were arguing.. sorry... and even if nothing happened, the fact he could get her to come over and then send her home speaks volumes for me about how his ‘control’ is more to do with insecurity than anything else - he argued with you, so sought control elsewhere. It may be way off the mark but based on my experiences... I’d be thinking of walking if it was me.