dom-sub relationship

[wilmathewilywombat]

First off, no children are involved.
I am submissive and have been for some time. My DP has asked to take it to a new level where we move towards a more full time dom-sub relationship. I am thinking about it and am not averse to it.
Has anybody else done it?

Are you talking about a full-time, master/slave set-up?

If so, it's very important you seek legal and financial advice before embarking upon such a lifestyle. You say he's a partner, not a husband? Really, he needs to sign over half his assets now to protect you in the event of the relationship breaking down.

To be frank, I can't understand how this lifestyle benefits you. Have you got any supportive friends or family you can talk things through with, or maybe a therapist who can help you understand why you're drawn to such an arrangement? It's a big step, which could have huge ramifications for you. Whatever you decide, very best of luck. xx

Thanks for answering. We are both agreed that there will be no financial part of it, that's a step he doesn't want and I would reject, we're going into this for the fun bits not the red tape. Day to day he'd have control and I'd be expected to submit without question and that's very attractive to me, now it's during sex only but the thought of more is good. We've been together many years and I know him well to have trust but I won't be leaving myself financially vulnerable.

What the appeal? I don't get it.

@IvySpivey

What the appeal? I don't get it.

Hmm, hard question. I don't rightly know, i just know I like it.

Day to day he'd have control and I'd be expected to submit without question

But will this affect your ability to pursue a career and support yourself financially if the relationship ended?

What about maintaining friendships and your wider social network, being able to proactively take care of your health, etc?

These things aren't red tape, they're vital to your long term wellbeing.

@Rocaille

Day to day he'd have control and I'd be expected to submit without question

But will this affect your ability to pursue a career and support yourself financially if the relationship ended?

What about maintaining friendships and your wider social network, being able to proactively take care of your health, etc?

These things aren't red tape, they're vital to your long term wellbeing.

He'd be in control, he wouldn't be a bastard and stop me doing those things. Control doesn't mean abuse in the right relationship, I mean I'd ask him before going out with friends, he'd agree but I'd have to ask. But if he wanted something sexual and i didn't I'd be expected to submit even if I didn't want to and I'm ok with that. His choice would come first for day to day to stuff, he could tell me what to wear, tell me what to do and I'd have to do it, stuff like that. It turns me on. We are still talking about how it would work, no decision has been made. We have been together over 20 years and had difficult times not being able to have children being one so hopefully we have the strong relationship I think we have but obviously the future can change. I'm not giving up my career, he's fairly firm that I have to go to work and have to have my own pot of money. He's not telling me I have to do this until we have made a joint decision, we are working on it together.

I'd suggest you get yourself over to Fetlife & check out the submissive women & master/slave boards. The posters there are people who already live it & are very helpful.

Sorry to hear about the difficult times you've had, especially not being able to have children.

I'm glad you'll still be going to work and seeing friends and family.

It's really disturbing though that he makes you do things sexually that he knows you don't want or enjoy. OK, so it turns you on: for you, there is clearly something quite psychologically complex going on (again, therapy?). But what's he getting out of it: what kind of man is he to enjoy hurting and humiliating you?

@PsychoSyd

I'd suggest you get yourself over to Fetlife & check out the submissive women & master/slave boards. The posters there are people who already live it & are very helpful.

Thanks, I'll take a look there.

@Rocaille

Sorry to hear about the difficult times you've had, especially not being able to have children.

I'm glad you'll still be going to work and seeing friends and family.

It's really disturbing though that he makes you do things sexually that he knows you don't want or enjoy. OK, so it turns you on: for you, there is clearly something quite psychologically complex going on (again, therapy?). But what's he getting out of it: what kind of man is he to enjoy hurting and humiliating you?

I'll try and explain. Say I like chocolate ice cream but I don't want chocolate ice cream at that particular moment. He decides that I will have chocolate ice cream so tells me I am going to have some. I do (because I have to) and enjoy it. He's not asking me to do something I don't like in general but he is deciding when I have to do it. If I don't want to do it that's tough, it's what I have agreed to.

oh and he's never hurt me.

This still makes me really uneasy, but you obviously understand your situation better than I. Hope it all works out well. xx

Actually, in these relationships it's really the sub who has control as the sub allows the control.
Sounds fun, you should try it good luck

I think a full-on BDSM relationship is very rarely, if ever, a good thing. If they uphold mutual respect and equality at all, they do so in a very strange, inverted sort of way, and it's far, far to easy for the dominant person to get out of hand and become abusive.

I think BDSM ought to stay in the bedroom or othewise be kept as a sort of sex game. But what your contemplating is making much more than that, ie, turning your entire relationship into an extension of your sex life. By doing this you risk not giving enough emphasis or consideration to the other non-sexual things that make the relationship work, and if you do that, ie, putting all your eggs in one basket, how can you keep it going? In my view, it's a strange, new fashion that had better not last because it isn't a basis for a stable relationship in 99 cases out of 100, and perhaps the other case is Secretary a work of fiction.

What motivates you to want to be submissive? Why does he want to be dominant? Both of you need to look into the reasons why, because they could be thoroughly bad instincts that will betray you. Are you doing this because of some trauma in the past? If so, is this the best way to handle it?

Sorry, it just all sounds ridiculous.

I don't, and wouldn't like, to do it full time, but my partner and I do engage in dom/sub stuff for extended periods (whole days), where he'll order me about. I know what you mean - it's hard to explain why I take so much sexual pleasure from making his breakfast completely perfectly, but I do. But only when the game is ignited...I'm also perfectly happy to be lazy and lie in bed and have it brought to me by him when we're out of role.

I don't think I would like to do it permanently, because for me it is a role that I take on - even if I act it out for long periods of time - and while that role is definitely 'part' of me, there are other parts of me that I wouldn't want to lose through a 24/7 set up. I do understand how it has its attractions to others though, and I don't think that it means there's some underlying trauma underpinning it. It just is what it is, for the most part...

It’s the sub that really controls matters. The fact he suggested it and not you means I would think again. You really have to imagine that he wants to control every aspect of your life - what would that really be like?

This vid might be of interest (in 2 parts)

“He owns me” Inside a 24_7 BDSM Relationship (Will Hunt & Louise Red)

The child part have you considered adoption? Or have you come to terms with not having children?

That video was disturbing

Yes.

Have you noticed how 'Doms' are always really ugly and runtish?

Dp isn't but whatever.I can't do what he's asking so I need to work out way forward and tell him.

OK, sorry - didn't mean to insult your DP.

How will he respond if you tell him you've thought it over and it's not for you?

Oh don't mind him!
I don't know 100% but I think it will be OK.