DH making sex unsexy

[nonflirtinghusband]

I'm really struggling to connect with my DH at the moment. Sex is ok, but a bit routine, and he has a much lower libido than I do. He never initiates. He's a great guy and great dad, but I don't feel like he's that into me sexually. He is kind and considerate, but almost too respectful!

We are both 40, have been married 11 years, school-aged children. I do look after myself and it frustrates me that he just doesn't seem to see me.

I've been trying to improve our levels of general intimacy because I find he behaves like I'm his friend/coworker all day long, and only at 10pm when we're in bed he (maybe) wants to have sex. He never kisses me outside of sex anymore. We sit on separate sofas to watch TV, so it's difficult to snuggle up to him. When I've tried to sit next to him he's told me he wants space to stretch out. I don't feel like he's hiding anything or trying to be nasty and I expect he would be mortified if I told him so I really don't know how to handle this.

I thought perhaps building up the sexual tension during the day might help (I would certainly like to flirt/sext more). He is very difficult to engage with though - if I say something flirtatious he will shut it down by saying something (mildly) funny but not sexy. It's making me lose confidence with approaching him tbh and I'm not sure what's going on. I really want to experiment more sexually like I have with previous boyfriends but where do I start when he won't even flirt?

Talk to him. It´s the only thing that might actually help. He must know how you feel and you must know how he feels. It´s the only way to improve things.

I guess I'm afraid of what the answer is going to be.

What do you suspect the answer to be?

I could have written this myself. I have actually spoken to my DH many times and his answer is always that I’m more sexual, he does want it but not as much as me and that life can’t revolve around sex (usually said when I’ve suggested we flirt or work up to sex during the day/evening. He seems to think that this behaviour is what you do when you’re teens but that jobs and other household stuff (and kids) mean you don’t have time for that as you get older.

If I’ve said anything about sex lacking excitement, he takes it as an insult and says we did it recently and I thought you liked it and what’s the point if you’re going to criticise.

Sadly for us, it ended up with him saying that I’d better find someone else because this wasn’t him and he couldn’t be the person I wanted. He didn’t mean it but he said it a few times. I did end up having a brief affair and although it ended and I did tell DH, nothing changed. We’re back in the same rut, but with me having seen that sex can be different with someone else. I can’t offer any advice as I’ve messed up massively, but wouldn’t break up my family for this and wouldn’t ever have an affair again. It’s hard because he’s a lovely man and a great father but there’s no passion!

I'm worried that he just doesn't fancy me anymore DevonshireCat, or that we're fundamentally incompatible and he can't give me what I want/need. It's dawning on me after 14 years that he's always been less sexual than me and in the past I've dialled myself down accordingly.

Sorry to hear that Rgy3250999. I don't have much opportunity for an affair luckily, but do worry that I would be easily tempted if someone did come along who flattered me. My DH is a nice guy but I just want him to find me sexy! He will sometimes say 'that dress looks nice' but it's in the same sort of way he might tell his mum her cardigan looks nice iyswim. The other day I was trying to decide what to wear for date night (that I'd organised) and I asked him what he thought and he said 'whatever you want'. He's just so laid back I feel like he doesn't care, although I think he does love me. It just feels a bit platonic.

@yodl

Talk to him. It´s the only thing that might actually help. He must know how you feel and you must know how he feels. It´s the only way to improve things.

I agree, talk. My wife had treatment for cancer 7 years ago and it had ruled our lives since. We are starting to get back to our old ways of having really great sex. We talk and work through all the changes. Talk, talk, talk that is the key to so much.

OP,
I could have written your post, but the opposite way around... My XW's libido dropped through the floor when menopause hit, and we pretty much stopped having sex. We couldn't get over it, despite many conversations and trying different things, so divorced.

I did think about having an affair, and even went on a couple of dates but I'm just not built that way.

It does sound like he may not see you sexually at the moment. I suspect it's something to do with the lockdown, although you don't say how long this has been going on for, or if he is indeed at home 24/7.

I'm afraid lockdown / furlough scheme has put pressure on a lot of relationships, as the OH sometimes seems to fade into just another person we're around, rather that our sexual partner...

You must absolutely talk to him. I understand the fear, but trust me, you are doing yourself no good getting wound up about what he might say. In my experience, it's sooo much better to get things out in the open, regardless of what the final outcome is.

Good luck!

Thanks averageguy. It's a good point - I don't think lockdown helps and his work is very stressful at the moment. He has always been a bit like this though.

I know everyone is right about us needing to talk about it, it's just difficult to know how to approach it without it sounding like criticism. I might try and get some counselling by myself before I broach it.

OP,
I'm a bit HFA / OCD, so focus on the task at hand, and I know from what my XW said, that used to make her feel completely ignored.

I wasn't ignoring her per se, I was just completely focused on what I was doing. (it does have it's benefits when I focus on my partner.. )

Maybe he is the same? He isn't deliberately ignoring you, he is just focused on his work - particularly if he's stressed?

Counselling on your own might help, but you are going to have to bite the bullet at some point, otherwise you will drift further and further apart.

Have a long-distance virtual hug - HUG!

I think it could be that he isn’t feeling his best- lacking in confidence?

This seems like a fairly common issue ..so ,so difficult .

I completely agree a 100000 % about talking but ....it's not easy .

We need a whole thread on how do I talk to my OH to improve his technique without seeming to criticise him.

Is there a self help book somewhere ? If not ,then gap in the market .

@peridito - I'm sure there are, but I'm not sure they help..

Longish post - apologies...

It does seem to be a common issue, and I've often thought (tongue in cheek mode!!!) that, as there is a mix of genders that seem to have the the same problems, we MN'ers could have a support group that meets regularly, to discuss the issue, and help each other out, iyswim..

We are living in very strange times though, so bear that in mind. If your partner is normally out at work, but they are now around you 24*7, then it definitely puts a strain on a relationship, and it's not a surprise that your partner may look on you more as a work colleague than as a sexual partner.

I don't think you can allow your partner to shut a conversation about your sex life down though. My question would be why are they shutting it down? Are they embarrassed about discussing it? are they worried that someone else (kids maybe) will barge in? or, more worryingly, do they have something to hide?

My XW & I had long discussions about her libido. Originally, I took the initiative by booking us a weekend in a hotel (admittedly, our kids were old enough to fend for themselves), so that we wouldn't be disturbed, and we sat in the room and talked.

It was painful for us both, and there were tears on both sides, but we had an open and honest discussion about our (lack of) sex life, with no blame attached to either party. I started by asking what was going on with our sex life, as we didn't seem to have any.

I was ready to hear difficult things, and also ready to take some blame, as were two of us involved.

It didn't do much (actually anything) to change things, but it meant that the genie was out of the bottle, and that subsequent discussions were easier.

Whilst it didn't save our relationship, it was a very worthwhile exercise - we are still very good friends, and have actually somehow grown closer since the divorce, and particularly during lockdown.

My opinion is that you must (for your own sanity) push the discussion, regardless of the outcome.

I do like your posts averageguy .

Speaking for myself I'm inhibited by embarrassment and a completely illogical hang up that good sex should just happen ,an instinctive physical connection which if reduced too much by explanations and direction will loose some of it's appeal .

The awareness that this "theory" rests almost entirely on both partners being mind readers hasn't dispelled it for me .But I am going for sub vocal guidance during the act itself ,repositioning a hand ,moaning ,and I think I can up the stakes by adding the odd adjective relating to tempo/speed .

In my case I stopped being intimate ( a more all encompassing word than sex ) with my long term partner for a whole range of reasons .

Most of these were to do with not loving him and not being treated with kindness and the courtesy you might show a stranger ,let alone loved back .That of course is another story ,one in which I am equally responsible for our failed relationship .But ,also of course ,it's fundemental to being able to be physically intimate .

But my point ,I think ,is that talking would involve so many aspects .In my case it would have required a trained professional to facilitate .And I didn't and don't have that motivation .

@peridito
Thanks!

Good sex can "just happen", but in my experience, usually only in the early days of a relationship. It takes work, from both parties to keep it up (sorry! ) in a long term relationship.

You do bring up a good point. I wonder how many of us expect the same? and expect our partners to be mind readers.

In my more recent experience (well, not since before Lockdown.. ), an open and honest conversation about sex, likes, dislikes, fantasies etc has enhanced the sexual relationship. I am certainly more willing to listen to, (and hear) my partner, and to try new things.

I'm so sorry your partner treated you the way you describe. Obviously there were / are a bunch of issues in your relationship, and sex suffered because of them.

I did some counseling (and still occasionally do!) after my divorce, as I wanted to understand more about what happened. If you can summon the courage, I highly recommend it. It can be difficult to face yourself, but I found it very worthwhile - I understand myself much better , and the mistakes I make.

I have gone off intimacy with my husband. He only wants to get close in bed. I am.not on hormonal contraceptives; its taken him 5 years to buy condoms; limited foreplay and frankly sex with condoms is all about PIV and not about all the other things and flowing between moves. He doesn't get that hard so we struggle anyway and then cums in seconds. Its all too disappointing.

And we don't talk about it.

@Firenight
That's really not good. Do you want things to improve with him? if so, do you think you could talk to him? A sexless marriage, or a marriage where sex has gone bad is a terrible thing.

I had the snip when my youngest was 2, but I still use condoms. One they make me last longer (TMI, i know.. Sorry!), and two, as I've mainly had casual sex over the last couple of years, better to be safe than sorry..

I love foreplay. It's the main thing I missed with my XW, along with snogging..

I've had / have PE on occasion (hence the condoms point one!), but Viagra helps me "repeat" when I take it, and I know I have hands and a tongue, and that I'm not the only person involved...

I have to improve things. 2 small kids and my husband adores me. He's far from perfect but he needs me to fix this. He won't address it.

It's difficult isn't it.
I decided to back off from initiating. Three weeks went by 😱 Then he made a very timid approach to me in bed and we did have (unsatisfying) sex. Tbh I think I am done and need to end it. Thinking back, our sex life has never been super hot and for some reason I never questioned it and it didn't bother me, but it does now.