Different sex drives

[nothingtoulouse]

Wondering how you deal with a partner whose sex drive us so different from yours? Although I enjoy it I could go weeks/months without sex but my husband would have sex every night if he could and I can tell it bothers him

You need to find a compromise ideally and then both be happy with the new arrangement. Otherwise its a slippery slope i am afraid.

Mine is higher than my husbands here. Compromise is definitely key. Is he making sure you are satisfied when you do have sex though?

The partner with the lower sex drive frequently underestimates the importance of this issue in maintaining a healthy relationship

Very true @Guavaf1sh unfortunately.

It really is impossible to properly empathise with a feeling you’ve never experienced yourself. How would you expect the child of a billionaire to understand what poverty or hunger felt like.
Doesn’t make them a bad person, of course, but you can’t understand what something feels like until you actually feel it yourself. If you’ve ever been on the wrong end of a libido disparity you’ll know how it can grind you down.

The sense of rejection a higher libido person can feel can easily reach a point where it not only defines the relationship itself, but comes to define the ‘rejected’ person altogether in their own eyes.

I think a particularly bad situation is where sex drops off dramatically in a relationship when kids come along. You can scream all you like about the reasons why but this state of affairs plays right into a very common male fear - namely that they are a mere means to an end - financial security and sperm - and that they are not in a truly real, authentic relationship. You underestimate many men if you think it’s all about sexual gratification for them. It’s about being really wanted for who they are and in a non-transactional way.

If you are in a LTR and your partner wants much more than with you than occasional pity/maintenance sex then you should count yourself lucky. Don’t take that for granted - even the most loving and loyal have their limits.

As above, you'll really need to come stop some kind of compromise or at least discuss openly.

My STBExH was totally disinterested in sex, for years and would occasionally have sex with me out of a feeling of responsibility (or so it felt). It wore me down. Made me feel unloved and I can't even explain how awful it was. When he finally stepped up sexually, I was mentally and emotionally already done.

Talk to your husband. It's a problem that shouldn't be underestimated.

After speaking he explained although he knows I owe him nothing sexually and wishes he didn't feel this way he can't help but feel some resentment that I will lay in bed in my phone for hours and not spare some time to offer a hand so to speak.

Yeah that would bother most people I think. I'm single now so can look at as much nonsense on the Internet as I like without upsetting anyone, but wanting an intimate connection with you is a good thing.

I don't know the answer to this one and if I did I'd be a billionaire. I've had lower sex drive (in relationships) and higher sex drive (when single) and i sympathise with both ends of the spectrum.

Something i would do now in a relationship is really prioritise what I enjoy in sex, as well as what he enjoys. I can't easily get turned on with my child in the house, so I'd have to suggest Cubs or regular playdates. I like dirty talk and for many many years I couldn't get my partners to say a single word. I had no idea what a difference it would make to me tbh, not just the sexiness of the thing itself but the fact that a man would make something part of his repertoire, without me having to ask every time, just to turn me on. And if he couldn't do it - and some men really are crap at it - I'd find a substitute. Literotica in my case. Got me up the stairs in a frisky mood many times.

I think there is an important and subtle difference between "frequency" of sex and "quality / meaningful" sex in relationships.
Most with higher sex drives than their partners would happily put up with less frequent intimacy if the quality of sex and "intent" of their partner matches theirs. All to often not only is the sex infrequent but the quality is low.
The old saying "the more you practice the better you become" applies to sex in a relationship. If the sex is not frequent the quality usually drops and it becomes a cycle of misery.

I've said before on here, each partner has an equal responsibility to the partnership. You cant off load your share to the other person and expect them to pick up the slack without consequences. It doesn't work like that. If you have a lower sex drive than your partner you have to admit it and talk about it. Otherwise sticking you head in the sand and leaving it all up to the other person causes problems that will destroy the relationship.

The person with the lower libido gets to drive things. If they “compromise” by having sex more than they want.. that means they’re having sex when they don’t really want to sometimes. That is icky and wrong and only a creep would be turned on in such a scenario

Very true @Guavaf1sh unfortunately.

It really is impossible to properly empathise with a feeling you’ve never experienced yourself. How would you expect the child of a billionaire to understand what poverty or hunger felt like.
Doesn’t make them a bad person, of course, but you can’t understand what something feels like until you actually feel it yourself. If you’ve ever been on the wrong end of a libido disparity you’ll know how it can grind you down.

The sense of rejection a higher libido person can feel can easily reach a point where it not only defines the relationship itself, but comes to define the ‘rejected’ person altogether in their own eyes.

I think a particularly bad situation is where sex drops off dramatically in a relationship when kids come along. You can scream all you like about the reasons why but this state of affairs plays right into a very common male fear - namely that they are a mere means to an end - financial security and sperm - and that they are not in a truly real, authentic relationship. You underestimate many men if you think it’s all about sexual gratification for them. It’s about being really wanted for who they are and in a non-transactional way.

If you are in a LTR and your partner wants much more than with you than occasional pity/maintenance sex then you should count yourself lucky. Don’t take that for granted - even the most loving and loyal have their limits.

@5pForAPlasticBag - You are looking at it from a male perspective but behind every sexless relationship/marriage there are generally underlying problems, not all but often there are reasons contributing to the lack of sex.
I stopped having sex with my husband at one point (not intentionally but I’d use excuses to avoid it) because I resented him, there was never any emotional support, he lacked empathy and he took me for granted. He sat me down and said he was unhappy with the lack of sex and I told him I was unhappy with the things mentioned above. We talked a lot, listened to each other and things have got better but they’re far from perfect!
I wanted to add this because things aren’t always black and white!