I think my boyfriend has sexually assaulted me

[Anon4010]

Hi ladies.

Warning, the following contains sexual and graphic description which may be triggering.

So in 2019, me and my partner had been out drinking, we got in at around 4am. He'd been in an aggressive mood all night because he cannot tolerate alcohol.. not even a bit. He's not an alcoholic or anything just whenever he has a drink which is not often, he gets very aggressive and standoffish. He ended up assaulting this bloke in the middle of the nightclub so I took him out. Anyway.. we get home and have sex, I consented..if anything I instigated it but I fell asleep after he cummed. I woke up in a bit of a daze and all hazey because I was still drunk and I remember feeling baby oil being poured all over me and he had his phone light on and was watching his penis going in and out and watching his fingers go in me etc. I kept stirring and I asked him what are you doing and he said "you asked me to do it" -I didn't I know and I know I didn't. He's never done anything like it before and we both was realllllly horny when we come home. We have been together for 4 years at this point and have a child together but I couldn't help but find it a bit weird that he deliberately had his flashlight on so he could see him doing it whilst I was sleeping.

Fast forward to Friday night (28/08/2020) again he’d been out drinking, not me this time I was sober. We had sex, very horny sex and it went on for a while and I was getting sore and tired and a bit bored so I asked him to stop. He did, then I started to fall asleep, he then went back inside and almost got off on the idea I was half asleep and cummed inside me. He then let the dog out for a wee, and that was the last thing I could remember because I fell asleep. I woke up to him again with his flashlight on his phone fingering me, licking me and also fingering me anally. I went into shock and I froze, my body started violently shaking but I thought I was cold.. I woke up and asked him what the time was because he quickly moved aswell he didn’t think I knew what he had done, and he said it was 4am , I said wow that’s late , what time did I fall asleep? He said I have been asleep for an hour, I asked what he’d been doing and he lied and said he was watching tv... the TV was off.

I have been with this man 5 years and his behaviour has really spooked me out, I’m scared to even think about it being the R word. What do you I think? Please help me

You are right op. He is sexually assaulting you. Maybe post in Relationships you will get advice .

This is definitely sexual assault.

What do I do? Do I confront him?

You have been assaulted, and you should confront him. Do you feel safe enough to confront him alone though? His behaviour is completely unacceptable, and he is clearly getting off on the fact that you are barely conscious and not able to consent. Really creepy.

You have been raped and sexually assaulted. What you now do depends entirely on your wishes for the future. If you want to stay with this man, then you file it under 'just one of those things he does' and get on with your life, as you did on the first occasion he did it.

If however you choose otherwise, then you go to the Police and report it. I would not confront him about - that is a kind of middle-ground way of trying to deal with it and there is no middle ground here. It is either all one way, or all the other, as I see it. You need to ask yourself whether you wish to raise a child with this man, or whether you want him out of your life. I cannot see anything between those two options.

He has a history of being unable to cope with alcohol, but continues to use it. That worries me, as it puts you in jeopardy. I wouldn't be in a relationship with him, but it is entirely your choice.

Best wishes.

Sorry to hear about your experience.

I don’t want to worry you but if his phone light was on and pointing at you, there’s a good chance he was filming what was happening.

Is there any possibility he’s drugged you? Just with you saying your body was violently shaking.

I'd there any possibility he was recording what he was doing and it being a flash rather than a torch on his phone? That would give you some evidence if you want to report him

More thoughts on this. I was filming my kids dancing along to some tv program last night. Low light conditions and my phone automatically put the light on to get a better video. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen that happen as I rarely use the video function in low light. My point is that I’m now convinced he was filming you.

I hope you're okay OP.